My Story......

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2009
My Story......
12
Fri, 02-20-2009 - 9:07pm

I have just recently found out that my husband of twelve years was yet once again having an affair.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2007
Fri, 02-20-2009 - 9:28pm

Oh, Colleen, I am so sorry for your pain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 02-20-2009 - 10:45pm

So you gave them a chance to be together years ago but HE chose not to. It sounds more like SHE chose not to be with your H because SHE wasn't willing to break up with her BF at that time to be with your H. Well what if she would not have had a BF at the time you gave him a choice, then she probably would have wanted your H to move in at that time. What I'm saying is she actually rejected your H at the time so he didn't have the choice to be with her. Now that she is done with the BF she wants your H back. It sounds to me like he came back home by default. Back in Nov. of 07 my H decided he was in love with his EA and THOUGHT that she felt the same way about him. He was ready to leave me and our sons for her UNTIL he found that she just wanted to flirt heavily with him and told him "My husband is a good man and I have no intention of leaving him." So he decided to stay with us because SHE didn't want him, and we won by default. Afterward he found out that she is the neighborhood fluesy and does this heavy flirting with other men in the neighborhood as well as at her work. Anyhow it sounds like her and your H never really quit seeing each other. I would assume that her BF broke up with her because he found out that she was sleeping with your H. You ask how can SHE do this to you again? Problem is it was NEVER over between them in the first place so this is just a continuation of their long time affair. And the better question would be how could HE continue to deceive you and lead you to believe that he was done with her a long time ago whilst continuing to see her behind your back and pretending everything was fine between you and him. He was the one that made the vows to you and decide to break them. She could have been any women that came on to your H. That's what I have come to realize. I still hate OW, but realize it was my H's choice whether or not to respond to her flirting. I would honestly not hate her (at least not as much) if I didn't know her. Anyhow I think you need to place the blame mostly on your H rather than OW. And yes it hurts like hell when they devastate you like this. BUT you have to ask yourself WHY you would ultimately want to be with a man that is capable of so much lying and deceit? You are hurting now but in the long run you will be much better off without him. Please take care of yourself so you can take care of your little girl. He may find out that the grass isn't greener when the fantasy turns into a reality and he is living with her 24/7. The rose colored glasses will soon come off at closer range, and he may not like what he sees after a while together, and he may try to come running back to you. Question is will you want him?

Edited 2/20/2009 10:47 pm ET by peaceyma




Edited 2/20/2009 10:51 pm ET by peaceyma
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 02-21-2009 - 7:21am
What's the next step for you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2009
Sat, 02-21-2009 - 7:37am
Thank you Elizabeth for your support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004
Sat, 02-21-2009 - 7:54am

Hi, I am so sorry that you are going through this. My STBX left for the OW as well, and he had had two affairs, different women, and he left both times, but the first time we got back together. This time the OW seems to be staying with him, and they are now living together in an apartment.

I know just how hard this is, and it is so hard on the kids too. That is what really hurts me the most, knowing that my kids have to go through this, as I never ever thought that they would be going through their parents splitting up. It happens to so many kids, but I didn't want it to happen to mine.

You need to contact a lawyer, and find out where you stand, and what you can get out of him for money etc. It would be beneficial to also go for counselling for you and your daughter. I don't know how I got through those early days of my STBX leaving, it was hard, but somehow I got through it. Do you have family close by that you can lean on.

None of this is your fault, you did not do anything wrong, just know that. There are many reasons that people cheat, and what the spouse did or didn't do is not one of them.

Please take care of yourself and your daughter! And keep posting!

Lori

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2009
Sat, 02-21-2009 - 8:03am

You are so right.. I won by default.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sat, 02-21-2009 - 12:13pm
Can you take your little girl and go live with your mom for a while if he decides not to pay the bills over there?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Sun, 02-22-2009 - 1:45am

I am so sorry you have to go through this once again. I suffered through two ddays also and it hurts so so deep but you will find your way back to peace. Try hard to stay strong for your daughter as she is at a very vulnerable age. You and her may want to get some family counseling together as your lives are going to change in a very big way and you both will need support.


It would be to your benefit to try to find a lawyer ASAP to find out what your rights are. He is most likely going to be ordered to help pay the mortgage and child support and the sooner the better. Being served will surely wake him up and he will

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2008
Sun, 02-22-2009 - 12:30pm

He said he would help out with the bills and mortgage but I dont know if he is just saying that or if he really is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2009
Sun, 02-22-2009 - 4:08pm
I read your story and could relate to it very well. I just today signed up for this website. I hope it helps me because I am a mess right now and do not know how to start and how to tell my story. thanks

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