my tale of woe
Find a Conversation
|Wed, 01-30-2013 - 5:45pm|
Thank you thank you! So far this forum has been more calming than my psychiatrist and the marriage counselor we saw. My psych has been treating me for years for an anxiety disorder, and since except for this, I was doing to well, he doesn't want to change my meds or the doses because he feels like what I'm going through is normal.
I'm in week 2. You are right, the pain is setting in. The first week was pain, rage, and a LOT of dumbfounded numbness. Now that numbness is wearing off and I just feel stuff again. I know it means I'm making progress, but Oh God, I want that numbness back.
I'm trying to decide if we should stay together or break up. He's doing everything he can to save the relationship. I have to give him that... he's trying. I have all his passwords, he put a phone tracker on his phone so I can look him up whenever I want, he took a week off work to be my punching bag- or to take care of the baby while I balled up having panic attacks or emotional breakdowns. Today is his first day back at work, and the baby is with his aunt so I have some time. I'm doing ok right now... but I think that's thanks to xanax more than anything.
I typed out my whole story, and the message board messed up and ate it. It hurt- to type it all out- so I'll do a reader's digest version...
My husband was (is maybe?) a good man. He helps stranded motorists, he mows the elderly neighbor's yard, he can't even fake a sick day to take off work. I didn't think he was capable of lieing. He has 3 kids by a previous marriage. Turns out, he was having an affair with his ex-wife.
I found a reciept in his pocket when I was doing laundry. Kitten food, thigh highs, extenze, and condoms. We don't have a kitten- I'm the mother of a special needs baby and haven't done "thigh highs" in years, never had "bedroom problems" that would need boner meds, and he's been fixed so we don't use condoms. However, I knew his ex- who always made me uncomfortable- had just gotten a new kitten.
He denied knowing anything about the receipt at first, but I knew he was lying. I searched the house and the car, and found the condoms in the car. He tells me they've been having an affair since October (I wasn't giving him enough attention excuse)... But I talked to her. She says there were having an affair for the last 2 years, off an on, while I was pregnant with our son. I'm essentially trying to find out the truth between two liars. She's made it clearly known she wants us to fail so she can get back with him. When they were married, she sat at home and played internet games and watched tv- never had to work and didn't cook or clean. He paid all the bills. She wants that back baaaad. But I can't trust him either. We're actually talking about using our tax return money for a polygraph test- so I can have peace of mind knowing I know everything,, or that he's STILL lying.
I want someone to tell me what to do. I know no one can.. it has to be my decision. But how do I figure out if I even love him anymore? I don't know. Like I said, my son is a special needs baby. He sees several specialists, and 5 therapists every week. I had to quit a job i LOVED to take care of him full time. Which has been great, but now I feel trapped. I don't have my own income, or a job. My oldest son is in one of the best magnet high school's in the country and some of my baby's therapists come to the house because they serve our zip code. Moving on is so complicated. But I'm not going to stay in a marriage just because I "have" to. How do I figure out if I still love him? Or if I'll ever be able to love him again? This was his kid's mom who still wants him back... we can't cut her out of our lives. Sure, I can babysit him now... but not forever. He's trying sooo hard to make things right... but I just don't know if it's possible. I'm married to a stranger. The man I married would have never done this. I was 32 when I got married. I dated a lot and had serious boyfriends but marriage scared me until I met Paul. I should mention... we've been together for 3 years, but married for LESS THAN A YEAR!!!! If he can betray me in the first year of marriage, how are we supposed to get through the next 50 or whatever? And according to her, they've been having an affair for 2 of those years.
He's being as great as can be expected by a cheating jerk. He's giving me my space, telling me over and over it's not my fault- it's all his fault, he's willing to do anything. I'm feeling a lot of things, but right now, love isn't one of them. But I guess I'm still in shock. I had THREE panic attacks yesterday. A couple times in my life I've had 2 in one day, but NEVER in my life have I had three. I'm a freaking mess. I'm exhausted. I need a vacation from myself... just for an hour. Just to get away from this for just a minute to be myself again.
Someone tell me what to do! Please!