my wife devastated me--can i heal

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2010
my wife devastated me--can i heal
Tue, 05-04-2010 - 5:34pm

i fell in love the instant i saw her in 1993 and we were together ever since--relatively happy--good marriage --good life .

i knew my wife didnt love me anymore a long time ago---and i tried with all my might and will to change that---we had some issues --and i did everything i was asked to do to change--even she admits that.

it wasnt enough.

i caught very innaprpriate texts and e mails from a friend a while back--i was told i was crazy and i didnt tell his wife--my mistake.

so i just had that feeling ya know---and of course--innappropriate conversations on the phone and finally when confronted she admits that she likes the attention from this man and they have kissed a few times.

im just devastated---infidelity is the dealbreaker for me.----but, i love this woman with all my heart--i dont think i can carry on knowing what she did.

how can people be so selfish and ruin other lives?

can i heal--can i forgive--ugh!


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Tue, 05-04-2010 - 5:52pm

Bruised, it all starts with making yourself a priority.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Tue, 05-04-2010 - 5:58pm

Hi bruised
it is so very hard when you see the possibilities in your mind and heart on what a couple can become
but we must not rely on others so much unfortunately

I have been wanting to post this seems like a good time

"Look for the gifts in everything, especially when you are facing what appears to be a negative situation. Everything that we attract causes us to grow, which means that ultimately everything is for our own good.
Adjusting to a new path and a new direction will require new qualities and strengths, and these qualities are always exactly what we need to acquire in order to accomplish the great things ahead in our life."
May the joy be with you,

Rhonda Byrne
The Secret... bringing joy to billions

& another one...

"This is something you ought to know: no matter who you are or
what you do, you will be subjected to trials. So, rather than
being surprised every time, as if it were news to you, and making
everybody else, the Lord included, responsible for your
difficulties, you need to reflect, to meditate, and you will
understand the positive aspect of your trials.
Many qualities cannot be developed if you haven't gone through a
certain amount of suffering, if you haven't experienced failure,
illness or even the enmity of other human beings. Yes, this is
why I'll say to you that often our enemies are friends in
disguise, because they oblige us to strive and progress. Jesus
said, 'Love your enemies,' and many people find this commandment
not only impossible to achieve but absurd: how can we love people
who hurt us? It's impossible! But it is possible, when we
discover they are friends in disguise and that providence has
sent them to oblige us to make progress on the path towards
mastery and freedom."

Omraam Mikhaël Aïvanhov

I have felt the great pain of betrayal and I am now a true crime tv fanatic telling myself there is always someone more evil and more devious, things could always be worse
count your blessings and grow strong in self

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2010
Tue, 05-04-2010 - 6:14pm

thanks so much for the kindness

i guess more than anything---im disgusted with myself for still loving her--even knowing she did what she did and that she doesnt love me---i still love her and it hurts that i feel i wont be able to because of her actions---does that make sense?

and yes--i told her we need to seperate a while--cuz i dont know what to do !

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2009
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 1:51am


In October of 09 I found out that my wife of 31 years was having a very elicit sexual love affair with a co worker that was 17 years younger than her.

Pissed in Denver
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 2:27am


If you know that she has not loved you for a long time then why are you still with her? Don't you feel that you deserve to be with a woman that loves you? Why would you stay with her knowing this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 12:17pm

hugs. You will and can get through this. Its going to be hard but taking baby steps and giving it some time will help.

Hang in there.
Im so sorry your having to deal with this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 1:01pm
Hi bruised
you are stronger than you think to separate is a very good move
she needs to understand that she can lose you and stop taking you for granted... sometimes a strong message like that can do wonders
you are doing very well, if you did not send this message she would more than likely keep running you over so to speak until you got the guts to do it
if you can bring the affair to light to the mans partner it might throw a wrench in their plans and they would both have to face reality for a change
these affairs are escape from responsibility a bubble of fun for them
what helped me is to tell myself that he was not the man I thought he was
I know you love her but maybe, just maybe you are in love with the woman you thought she was - the one that would have been honest with you and cared enough knowing you for so long who you are not to hurt you like this
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sat, 05-08-2010 - 8:05pm

Your response is very distressing.

You mention you thought you were soul mates with your wife and now she is just a dumb broad?

Potential non-person? Shunned by all the neighborhood ladies? A beauty only good for a few f*&#ks?

Wow! I am glad you are all so perfect to be so ruthless!

Perhaps everyone feels elevated by digging her moral/social grave.

It is such a double standard - men are supposed to cheat, their friends get over it.

Whereas, women, they are homewrecking whores and thus, cast out lepers.

I bet some of your 'friends' are cheaters and therefore, male 'dumb broads'!

Are you taking advantage of her fears of being rejected by you by having her be a sperm deposit for you several times daily even though she is just a dumb broad. Perhaps she was already feeling like crap and made a stupid, but human decision to seek attention elsewhere and now you get to rub her nose in it whilst you give a good stiff one multiple times a day. Sounds like you are a real soulmate . . . make a mistake and there will be no forgiveness from you!

My heart breaks for your poor dumb broad!


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sat, 05-08-2010 - 8:29pm

Hugs Bruised,

Most of us said infidelity was a dealbreaker prior to discovering an affair. But lives and people are complicated and it isn't so easy to just say 'see ya' and it for some, it would be like throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

People make mistakes and they don't always respect and appreciate what they have. However, some really cop out and use affairs to try to end their marriages rather than be decent and end it respectfully. Your wife may be any of these people, but that isn't what you should focus on. Like others said, focus on YOURSELF! And do not stress/worry about what is she going to do!

What do you want out of life? Out of love?

You deserve BETTER than what you have right now and it sounds like you deserve better than what you have had for a while.

People grow apart and it is just as much on her to keep the relationship and love alive. It sounds like she pulled away and you chased after her . . . and she didn't come back or meet you in the middle. Some people have unhealthy habits of not wanting love to be too easy, they would rather you play hard to get instead of basking in the security of a true loving relationship. I dated someone like that in college - it was a constant roller coaster and I had a constant stomach ache!

Don't think about whether she wants to stay married - she wasn't too deserving of you in the recent past and she definitely needs to get her 'stuff' together w/the affair! But that is work for her to do.

Right now, just breathe in and out. If you need for her to move out, then tell her so. Take care of yourself and don't worry about the 'honeydo' stuff or anything else that can wait till you are doing a bit better. You are in shock and need to conserve yourself!

I also agree w/being cautious about alcohol. It can be a bad way to 'soothe' yourself and doesn't help anything.

Keep posting and hang in there! You WILL make it through this!


PS Even if she doesn't move out, consider doing the 180 posted on this board. It is crucial for your sanity and helps the WS realize you will be okay without them. They need to see that to realize what they may lose. Often, once secret sexual connection is blown, a strong light shines down on the two in the affair and they see each other in a new light and it isn't so pretty.

Edited 5/8/2010 8:31 pm ET by imommy22boys
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Sun, 05-09-2010 - 10:34am
...I picked up on that too...maybe the OP is simply writing out of his distress...but, my first thought is that perhaps...if he plans on trying to rebuild, he should reign his friends in...and, his wife should reconsider wrapping her friendships up in her marriage entirely (if she has)...those people are not her friends....