Need advice...do I NEED to know EVERYTHING?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2003
Need advice...do I NEED to know EVERYTHING?
6
Fri, 06-10-2011 - 10:32am

I have to say this board has been so wonderful, just to come and read what everyone is going through so I don't feel so alone. Brief recap, after 12 years of marriage my WS admitted a year long affair that started while he was deployed to Iraq.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2008
Mon, 06-27-2011 - 3:00pm

Knowing every detail could only fuel your anger about the whole situation. Well, at least for me I think it does. I feel like I want to know it all, her name, where she lives, how they hooked up, what their conversations were about, etc...But then when I do get some of these answers, it makes me angier and sader to be honest. For me, I just found out 3 weeks ago that while my husband was in Iraq last year, he supposedly had a one time "fling" one night stand with a woman who was in his "cigar club." My husband is a Major in the Air Force and the one time affair (so he says) happened with an enlisted national guard woman. There is more. They did not use protection and she got pregnant. She actaully lied to him and said she was on the Depro Provera Shot, but obviously was not. He got a DNA test to confirm the child was his. He kept this from me for over a year. He was paying her child support out of an account I thought was closed. I do the finances and so, he basically had to tell me because the money from that account ran out. I don't feel he would have even told me about the affair or one time sex, whatever you want to call it at this point, if she had not became pregnant or if the child had not turned out his. We have talked and talked about this. I'm so tired of talking about it, but yet want to know more. But then when I know more, I get even angier at him and the whole situation. I'm so angry at the idea that my husband could be so selfish to risk his career, his family (we have a 5 year old daughter), all for a little sex? He says it was a one time "mistake" and they do not or did not talk or anything since. She had to basically hunt him down on facebook to tell him she was pregnant. Now, I'm trying to process all of this and determine what it best for me and my daughter. My family firmly believes I should leave him, but it's not as easy as they think. We just pcs-ed to FL and he is actually in schooling in VA at the moment. I started counseling and he went once before he had to go. My head tells me it's just time to move on after 7 years of marriage and a lot invested in this marriage, but it's time to go. My heart tells me to try and work things out because I love him and want to continue having the family intact for my daughter. It's the toughest thing I've had to go through. I hope and pray that you as well as I, make the best decisions we can for our family.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sun, 06-19-2011 - 12:02am

Some of us want/need to know and others just don't want to.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2003
Fri, 06-17-2011 - 10:56pm

Thank you so much for your answer!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2007
Wed, 06-15-2011 - 11:20pm

IMHO, no, you don't need to know everything.

As soon as my husband's A came to light, I knew that our marriage was in significant trouble.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2011
Tue, 06-14-2011 - 6:18am

I am the type of person who needed to know everything. I needed to know why this happened and how, and like a detective I pieced it all together, timeline and all. I'm not sure I did myself any favors with that approach, but his willingness to answer all the questions I put to him did convince me that he wanted the marriage and was in it for the long hall. I do wish there was a way to get the OW completely out of your lives. That has been the hardest part of this for me. She just keeps swooping in like the harpy she is. Good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2011
Fri, 06-10-2011 - 11:52am

I'm only about three months in to this as well so it's all new to me too. I wish you all the best on your new journey with your husband and I hope you can work things out. I am learning a little more every day and using this horrible event in my life to learn about myself and my realtionship and I'm thankful for the oppotunity to do it. So many that this happens to don't get the chance to start over because it honestly is easier to walk away. I believe that this will make us a stronger happier couple and I wouldn't take it back if I could. I wouldn't want to go back to the way things were before his affair because we were both miserable and 3 and half months later, my marriage is better than it ever has been. Not that I would want to go through it all again but I'm a believer that everything that happens in my life is a chance to grow. I still want to scream and cry and wallow some days but most of the time it's about moving forward.

No one can tell you how much to ask or how much you should ask. It's all about what you need and how much you think you can handle. You definitely need the truth and all of it right away!