Need Help - Don't Know What to Do

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2011
Need Help - Don't Know What to Do
30
Thu, 11-17-2011 - 3:58pm

I had originally posted on the relationship saver board but since then have found out my husband has been cheating.

We have been married 14 years - 2 kids - we have had a lot of financial and job stresses in our lives the past few years.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 11-17-2011 - 5:52pm

I realize this is crushing to you but there is really not much you can do when he is in the fog of a new relationship high. Of course this isn't real but you won't be able to convince him of that if he thinks he is in love with her. If he won't go to MC with you there's not much you can do at this point but give him an ultimatum. He can't have his cake and eat it too. I decided to leave my H and let him have her. After two weeks of living with her he realized she wasn't the princess he thought she was,sent her back home and came back begging me for another chance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Thu, 11-17-2011 - 8:48pm
Sadinia- welcome. For myself and for you it seems like your husband went one way (your old life) and you went another (kids, parenting,etc). As mothers it seems easier for us to cut ties with that dink(double income no kids) relationship to embrace the challenges of parenting. Let's face it , the marriage changes. Husband is not longer #1, he feels he's at the bottom of the pile, but in his selfishness he doesn't realize that YOU were the one at the very bottom. He could have jumped in with you as my husband could of to engage in a new relationship with children and all the new things it brings. Instead they both rebelled in it in a way. They both also felt that the honeymoon should last forever, but it just doesn't. It is more fleeting and what should have replaced it was a deep rooted love, respect and reciprocal caring. The affair brings this high back. The euphoria. He is on top of the dog pile with her. She listens to him, And is impressed by him. She showers him with attention that he has needed and gone without for so long. What our husbands did is disengage from their Marriage and from their children. What is so sad is that the kids think they are heroes. It is very disappointing and confusing to realize they have risked their childrens futures for themselves. For me, I told as few people as possible. I knew that if I did tell even my closest friends they would never look at my husband the same if we should be able to reconcile. I wanted to plaster his infidelity on a main billboard, but i knew i couldnt. So I decided to protect myself and my shame and humiliation of what he had done. I was also very embarrassed by his choice in affair partner. I also knew that people would take sides. Some might think that I was to blame. I have become an Oscar worthy actress at my job. It has been 6 months and if anyone noticed anything they haven't say a word. I too lost weight. 15# in a month. Best diet I have ever been on. Geez, pathetic. I am already thin. That's what people did notice. The weight loss. But that was easy to explain. I think I was living on adrenaline for 2 months. It was very unhealthy, but my emotions were thru the roof and my mood swings were great. Anger, sadness, confusion, despair, shame, embarrassment, on and on. I'd sob and sob. Tears really do have an acidic quality to them. I don't know one day I guess I must of came to a decision and that was to continue to wallow in my grief or to take this time for self reflection. When I really opened my eyes to myself, I was ashamed of what I allowed myself to become. I'm not talking physical- I've always maintained that part I'm taking my inner strength. The inner being, my core make up. I came to my marriage happy, whole and healthy but by dday I was literally a shell of myself. My once vibrancy had dulled considerably. I got angry. At him and me. I decided that he was a fool. That I was lovable, that I had been a good wife and was a good person. I decided I would no longer tolerate his treatment of me, his lack of involvement with kids. I literally wrote out a list of what would change. I asked him to do all sorts of things- no contact with AP, had to give up all passwords, randomly viewed phone, he checks in whenever he goes anywhere. I told him he could stay in our home, but in a separate room and that I would give it a year. In that time I'll see how things go, because at that point I didn't know if he was worth it all anymore or not. I want my kids to live in a happy, whole household with both parents on board. If he couldn't do or wasn't willing, we were finished. That was 6 months ago. He has been amazing, but I will never trust him to the degree before or maybe if I can it is years away. Betrayel is painful and runs deep. I don't think that you should carry on as if things are normal at home when they are not. Your husband has to feel empathy, regret, remorse. My husband did tell me that after seeing me sobbing tomthe degree that i did, he realized that he made a major mistake. If he is still addicted, he will continue to risk all for his fix. The ultimatem does work, because you have to out your foot down and believe that your decision is the right decision. You simply cannot tolerate him having his affair while you and the kids stay safely tucked up,at home. And you are right, when I learned that affair partner wanted my husband I thought no way. I felt such a rush of possessiveness. It made me so angry to think that she thought and hoped to supplant me in my life. I thought no way. Not on my sweat and tears and sacrifice and hard work. It may get worse before it gets better. Focus on you, you come up with a plan of what you want and what you need to feel safe and secure and that could be husband in or out of your life. You decide for you. It's your life and no one elses. You deserve every happiness. This is your husband making really bad decisions with dire consequences. One day he will realize it. He will. But until he can wake up, and be honest with himself he cannot be honest with you and he will not be putting in an honest effort for you and your marriage. We r here for you. We may not have all the answers but we have some. I wish for you a happy beginning to the rest of our life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Fri, 11-18-2011 - 7:13am

((((Sadinia)))

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2011
Fri, 11-18-2011 - 9:41am

It was another long night.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Fri, 11-18-2011 - 11:05am

Sadinia,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Fri, 11-18-2011 - 11:59am

I just gotta love you gwtw!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Fri, 11-18-2011 - 12:08pm
Love you, too, Ollie! I know how devastating it is to these women because WE have been there. And I also know how manipulating the WS can be when the A comes to light. The heartless SOBs try to make you think its your fault and play headgames. That's BS! I"m living proof that once you take back the power and give 'em a sucker punch to the family jewels (which are usually very, very small ones lol) you start to see things clearly and refuse to let them play the victim.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Fri, 11-18-2011 - 12:29pm

H Sadinia,

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Fri, 11-18-2011 - 1:22pm
Sad- there is no right way or wrong way to act. You act how you need to act to get out those emotions that choke you inside. I'd have days of despair, days of rage, days of quiet contemplation. No matter how I was it was real, it was raw, it was not controllable. My husband saw before his own eyes that his actions damn near destroyed me. I remember him saying, "I was so wrong about you." he didn't think I would even care. I reminded him that just because I may not show love like he does, doesn't mean I am not capable or that I don't feel love deeply.

I remember reading on village early on and reading posters stories to probably where I am right now and I would say to myself, "I'm just not there he to where these other women are in their healing." there wounds were closing while I felt I had a gaping hole in my chest. I still do not sleep well. Inner turmoil is a beast. But I know too that this will pass.

You really really do have the strength inside you. And maybe right now you aren't quite ready to put your game face on, but one day you will. You have to give yourself time to grieve your losses. Grief is a personal journey and there can't be a schedule or a recipe.

We are he for you and are so so sorry for your pain and devastation. There is nothing like it. I truly had no idea until I experienced it for myself. Sleep when you can, drink your water. Breathe the fresh air.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 11-18-2011 - 6:51pm

Ollie.... have you ever seen gwtwfan not tell it like it is?

Pages