Need Help - Don't Know What to Do

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2011
Need Help - Don't Know What to Do
30
Thu, 11-17-2011 - 3:58pm

I had originally posted on the relationship saver board but since then have found out my husband has been cheating.

We have been married 14 years - 2 kids - we have had a lot of financial and job stresses in our lives the past few years.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Mon, 11-21-2011 - 2:39pm
You are closer....Ollie my friend. If the WS spouse chooses to leave their marriage they do not have to change at all. Because in order for the WS to stay many of us BS expect huge changes in the WS. And for the WS to change their wrong thinking and their selfish thinking - it is more challenging for them than if they decided to just leave the marriage and start over. I was thinking solely of the WS spouse. Not the BS. Because I agree with you completely in all that you posted about the BS. Sorry for the confusion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Mon, 11-21-2011 - 2:05pm

Let me get this right, your point-- for the BETRAYER-- if the BS leaves it can be easier.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Mon, 11-21-2011 - 1:41pm
Ollie- I think I didn't articulate what I was thinking. I meant that if the betrayer leaves, it is easier for them. Because for them to leave means that they are not really wanting to change and they don't have to. If they stay in their marriage and are truly committed to rebuilding, it will be harder and more challenging because they have to change their way of thinking and shift their focus off of themselves to their spouses and kids. Make sense?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Mon, 11-21-2011 - 12:48pm

Sadinia,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Mon, 11-21-2011 - 12:44pm

Still Standing,

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Mon, 11-21-2011 - 3:24am
Sad- I agree with OP's. You have strength inside of you, you got to pull it out. The people closest to us know exactly how to manipulate us. You are not crazy, stupid or insane. You are a good judge of character. You were deceived. He did this to you.

As to the character thing, I'm still trying to figure out that whole thing. I know my husband character was and is flawed. Character can be re-built, and I think it is harder for someone to stay in their marriage, do the hard work to change, than it is to leave and start fresh.

Your husband is still very much in the throws of his addiction and he will do and say whatever he can to keep it all. But you deserve much much more. I think that if you put your foot down, layed out some ground rules. He might be shocked. Please go see an attorney for a consult, I know for myself I felt empowered after. It really was the information that I needed to go forward with or without him. We r here for you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 11-20-2011 - 11:18pm

Your NOT a bad judge of character. The problem is he is not the man he was the day you married him. I believe that some people do change after marriage. The honeymoon period ends after a year or two and reality sets in. Some people eventually become bored and restless with the reality of daily life and go out seeking things they think are going to add excitement to their lives (like affairs)
Do I believe people go thru MLC? Yes. But can you blame affairs or other bad behavior on MLC ? No I don't think so. I know several married men who went thru midlife WITHOUT having an affair on their wives, so I don't buy the man goes thru midlife crisis and has an affair scenario. My H had an affair only 3 years into our marriage at age 23, so I certainly could not blame that on a MLC. or depression, Only thing I blamed it on was his stupidity and bad decision making, plus not thinking ahead to the consequences of his behavior. Thing is most people that get into affairs don't think they are going to get caught , but they eventually get sloppy and get caught. Look he had the option (they all did) of coming to you and telling you if he was unhappy in your marriage. .He could have had the decency to come talk to you about it instead of using it as an excuse to go out and have an affair. I know your afraid but you need to put your foot down and tell him you won't tolerate this anymore and you never agreed to an open marriage. As long as you allow him to treat you like this he will continue doing so.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sun, 11-20-2011 - 7:04pm
Honey, I'm so, so sorry. I remember those days like the one you're having. Sweetie, right now, superficially and deep down, he is NOT the man he used to be. Any amount of thinking that 'deep down, he's gonna change, deep down he's just confused, deep down its just a midlife crisis, deep down he's better than this and will see the light" is getting you no where. I know, I did the exact same thing for a year. Right now, he's NOT the man you married. He's a totally different person. Granted, an idiotic one but a different person. But he can change if he wants to and only then. His contact with the OW shows that right now, he's still in the affair fog.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2011
Sun, 11-20-2011 - 4:53pm

Thank you to everyone with their helpful posts.

Today I'm really struggling with how do you reconcile the man your H used to be (and you truly believe he is deep down inside) with what what he has become?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 11-20-2011 - 1:04pm
Sounds like he wanted to totally escape any responsibilities (emotional/financial) to his disabled DD. Your right when you say piece of trash doesn't cut it. I think a piece of shiat is more like it. And thank God you were so prepared and your DDD has YOU and you had a competent judge that saw thru his BS. Sounds like your happy now and that's all that matters. : )

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