Need help from someone who's made it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2010
Need help from someone who's made it!
38
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 8:04am

Going to bed with the thoughts, waking up with them too.............The end and start to my days.

Sometimes I want to scream because the pain is so bad. It's been two months and I still cry daily. He says he loves me, he kisses me, grabs me sometimes but I don't feel strong feelings coming from him. He is very preoccupied with other stuff, especially that damn computer. I think he's bored with this life and in his mind he's settling. That makes me feel really bad. God I hope these feelings leave me soon. I'm so broken. I miss some sense of contentment and normalcy. Nothing is normal.....everything is tainted by this affair. I can't believe how far this reaches. I have no confidence, no sense of security and my opinion of myself couldn't be worse. I feel pathetic and out of control. I feel controlled by this affair, even controlled by him. He seems ok with everything. Ok with himself, the situation.

I still can't put the thoughts of him hugging her, kissing her, holding her hand out of my head. It makes me so sad and it's hard to choke back the tears and put the thoughts away. I still sometimes can't believe this all really happened. What if God forbid I should die before we get through this? Or if something bad should happen to me? How am I going to feel about my pathetic life? How would he feel about what he did to me? It's crazy to think that all of these years and love put into this relationship. If something happened it would stay frozen in time the way it is now, despite all of the good. I hope God gives us enough time to fix it. Some people don't get that time.

I'm scared that I'm kidding myself. I'm scared that I believe his words despite his actions. He said staying at the shore these two weeks is a sacrifice because he hates the shore. Really?? The rational person in my head is saying, bullsh***. You should be doing whatever it takes to win your wife back and put your family back together and do it with a smile on your face!!!!!! The broken heart inside me is saying it's enough and stay put. I need to be showered with love right now to get me out of this depression I'm in. I need someone to lift me up and make me see that there is hope. I don't think I can lift myself up. I'm trying but I'm not going to make it alone. My husband is doing what he can, what he is willing to do, but I don't think it's enough right now. He really doesn't see the effect this is having on me or he sees it and chooses to let me deal with it by myself. He thinks my reactions are to punish him or get attention. He couldn't be more wrong. He has no idea how many tears and breakdowns are hidden from him, how many thoughts are never expressed, how much heartache is buried.

He says he loves me and wants this to work. He has been with me every moment except when he's at work. The A lasted two months. It was with an older woman who he worked with for the past 11 years. Someone I knew but not well. He no longer works with her. He says the A stopped the day he told me. He had unprotected sex with her and now has herpes. He said he thought I didn't love him anymore and that our M was over. We didn't have sex while he was sleeping with her and I was tested for everything and have nothing. It wasn't a great M but it was normal for us. It's all I knew. Funny, people seem to think their husbands cheat with younger prettier women. Not true in my case.

I wanted to sleep later today but the thoughts wouldn't let me. I need advice for someone who stuck it out and made it through. What can I do to get myself back and make it through the day? I don't want to get divorced but I don't know how to stay with these thoughts and feelings. What does he need to do to help me through this. he often says what can I do?? What do I tell him?

Another day..............................................................

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2010
Thu, 08-05-2010 - 1:10pm

"Let her have him" means she gets the mother-in-law I love dearly, the cousins I have spent the last 25 years with, maybe even some of our fur babies I love so much. Sometimes I wish "let her have him" was that simple. We all know it's not and it's one of the major reasons we stay.


I truly agree with this but I will throw my H out in a NY minute if he ever cheats again. I love my mother-in-law and sister-in-laws, neices, nephews etc. like my own but I will absent from their lives and his if he chooses to betray me and our vows again. It will be that simple for me. The OW are low and are willing to throw every shred of their sorry dignity away as well as take part in breaking M vows of someone else but that doesn't mean that they will mistreat the children. I have a brother who had an A and left his W. Him and the OW

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2010
Fri, 08-06-2010 - 7:25pm

"On D-Day and for months after I wanted my H to prove that he wanted our M to work. Not because of our kids but because he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me."


Yep...that is me still and I hope he can do that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2010
Sun, 08-08-2010 - 9:30am

One thing that women seem to struggle with is being a little obsessed and really angry with the OW. I have never met the OW in my case. I know a little about her...she is a year older than my husband, not incredible looking as I see on facebook and has had relationship problems her whole life. She has a past with my H...they had a relationship as teens...he had a brief affair with her 20 years ago..she found him ( I never knew this until D-Day). This time he sought her out when our marriage was going downhill fast (my fault and his). She fell into bed with

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2010
Mon, 08-09-2010 - 3:42pm

Found the poem and LOVED IT! Thanks so much. Called an IC today and am going to see him Thursday. I've got to start working on me. I've been throwing myself into making the marriage better but haven't been working on myself. I've lost myself in this like many of you have said and haven't been the mom my daughter needs since DDay. As for the OW, you're right. I need to put her out of my head as much as possible and really, no matter what I do, the chips will fall where they may so to speak. I've realized that I need to make myself better and can't count on anyone to do that for me. Thanks for the advice on the OW. You're so right, even if my M ends, she doesn't get my life. She gest my husband who she "thinks" she knows...boy is she in for a BIG surprise. She has no idea. For now I'm staying and trying to work things out but with a different attitude. I'm letting go of the desperation. I'm going to work on making myself physically and mentally stronger so if things should fall apart, I'm ready to deal with it. Funny about the losing weight. I've lost 20 pounds since dday and look better than I have in 10 years! The one good thing that's come out of this mess. Thank God for people like you who help keep me going! God Bless You and stay strong!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
Mon, 08-09-2010 - 8:39pm

I read your post and it reminded me of all the emotions I have encountered and still some after 18 months.


My H had multiple affairs and gave me an STD, he is very sorry and as everyone else said, it was the H who did it not you. You are just collateral damage to a terrible accident.


We

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2010
Wed, 08-11-2010 - 6:40am

Glad I could help. Let

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Sat, 08-14-2010 - 8:24am

"I wanted to sleep later today but the thoughts wouldn't let me. I need advice for someone who stuck it out and made it through. What can I do to get myself back and make it through the day?"

Kapyp

I'm soo sorry this is happening to you. Nobody deserves to go through this. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Last week was my two year mark since D day. The books, the shrink, and this board all told me it would take two years. That's about right. I still have bad moments, but the movies in my head don't play unless I let them, I drive past the dude's work everyday and I only think of him maybe one in ten times.

I have been there. I cried for hours every day, I went to bed with it in my head and woke with it every day. I found out in August and ran out of leave by September. My kids could not understand why their Dad was broken.

I'm sure you have been told some of this, but let me share what helped me.

I got a shrink fast!, I read about ten plus books. "Getting Past the Affair" was the most helpful, especially when my spouse read it with me after I read it like twice myself. I began a simple workout each morning in my bedroom which included different leg lifts, crunches (bad back so I could not do sit ups, but the crunches repaired my back), pushups. I would say the men's names in my head to help push me to do my workout. I also imagined me becoming a better person than the men physically, and emotionally. I forced myself to eat good food, (no junkfood) I would grab a carrot and make myself eat it. I still lost 30 plus lbs.

This may be a little advanced for where you are at, but I learned that i had to accept what she did for myself. I had to face that I could not time travel and stop them, that this would hallways be part of my history, I learned that when I faced the pain and let it wash over me, allow myself to feel all of it. accept it as my own, that the real healing began to take place. The fact is that there are no shortcuts. No protecting myself from what happened. I had to own it and simply choose to be a better person, take as high a road as I could, and accept what ever outcome. My spouse chose to come along with me just as I chose to allow her to stay with me.

It's time to take back your life.

I found that things progressed in increments of two weeks. Breath in and out, eat good food, exercise, get a shrink, take care of yourslef first. Now is the rainy day! This is your wake-up call. Invest in yourself right now!

Two years later, I look in the mirror and for the most part, I like who I see now. Its' not perfect, but it isnt' bad either. You can do this!

Thomas

I have 5 kids ages 17-11. Our D Day was August, 2008.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2010
Sun, 08-15-2010 - 8:39am


Your post made me cry. I cried for you and for me. Thank you for the words of wisdom and the guidance. I saw a shrink for the first time this week and he seemed to be focusing on making me see myself as a good person. He suggested I stop talking about the affair daily with my husband and try to focus on other things. This is so hard. The shrink says talking about it everyday and reliving isn't good for me and that I need to work on myself. He says it's not about my husband right now, it's about me. I'm a talker and keeping the thoughts bottled up is going to give me an ulcer!!! So I've been writing down my reactions to things and how I feel about what's going on. My fear is, if I stop talking about it with my husband, he'll forget the damage he caused and it may happen again. I don't want him to forget....I can't forget, not even for a day.

Can I ask you a question? Are you happy now? Sometimes I feel like this insecure, nervous feeling is never going to go away? I feel like second best now, that I'm in some competition that I never entered. I feel like I've been chosen because of obligation and family, instead of love and desire. My husband says differently but I still feel that way.

Thank you so much for sharing with me, you're a strong man. my husband says if the shoe were on the other foot, he could handle it....He has no idea, does he?

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Sun, 08-15-2010 - 10:17am

"So I've been writing down my reactions to things and how I feel about what's going on. My fear is, if I stop talking about it with my husband, he'll forget the damage he caused and it may happen again. I don't want him to forget....I can't forget, not even for a day."

This is really good. Journaling is really healthy at this stage. I sort of did the same thing with this board. I wrote down the stories as they played out to the board. Some of that drove my spouse crazy. She found some of my posts and really got upset. I learned that I had to keep this board to myself. BUT, I began to write letters to my spouse, the reason was that simply asking questions didn't work.

For example: I would ask my spouse a question about the affair, and the answer had several elements that I needed to digest but I was so overwhelmed that I could only digest a small sliver. So, I would ask the same question later and again, I could only digest a small amount of what she said. She would get upset and tell me that she answered the question and that I needed to stop asking. When she answered in letterform. I could take my time to digest all of the elements over a period of time.

I found that when I wrote my spouse letters, I could step back after writing it, take a deep breath and take out all the venom before handing it to her. And she could take some time to read it without being defensive.

I threw away my “affair journal” about five months ago, which had all my notes from the books and my outrages over what she did.

Can’t have that just laying around for the kids to find while I’m at work.

“Sometimes I feel like this insecure, nervous feeling is never going to go away? I feel like second best now, that I'm in some competition that I never entered.”

Two Weeks! I found that about every two weeks, I felt better. I use to be able to pinpoint the day the knot disappeared from my guts. Or gage how well I was doing by how many days between crying. I don’t know about you but I carried sunglasses for almost the whole two years, as I just don’t have any control of my emotions anymore. My spouse said she never saw me cry before the affair, and after four or so months, she asked me if I was going to ever stop.

Yes, you will feel secure again. A lot of that has to do with you fixing yourself, and unfortunately if you stay in this relationship, it will depend a bit on how he pulls his shtt together. You must have the courage to help him understand that there are no second chances. If this isn’t his wake-up call, then he has to go. And the one who really needs the shrink is him. You have to be really fvcked up in the head to think that you can do this to the person you love. We both have come a long way. And we both have more roads to travel.

“My husband says if the shoe were on the other foot, he could handle it....He has no idea, does he?”

He never will. My brother died recently, (it’s ok) and my high school sweetheart facebooked me and expressed her regret. I haven’t heard from her in 17 years. The reason I'm saying this is because one of my spouse’s affairs was with her HS sweetheart. My spouse and I talked a lot about our unresolved loves, so I asked my spouse's permission to call RL and put my own feelings to rest. RL and I spoke for two hours and talked through why we broke up, how we each failed the other. I told her that I loved her, but that we will never be with each other and that I was saying goodbye forever and apologized for my bad behavior back in high school.

It was true what my spouse said; it was really hard to turn the conversation off. There kept being loose ends in the conversation and reasons to recontact each other. After two weeks of maybe two exchanges my spouse just about went through the roof and contacted RL and asked her to go away. My spouse blocked her email and facebook from my account. My spouse pulled me close in bed and said that she doesn’t want me to talk about “love” with anyone else. She got a very small taste of what I went through. And it was a bit of a wake up call. Not responding to RL’s last note was the hardest thing I’ve done in a while. But saying I’m sorry is all I really wanted to do. I did that and I told her that at some point soon I would stop talking to her. I’m mostly ok with how it ended. In an odd way, my spouse fought for me like I fought for her.

My spouse said something here that relates to you and I. She said, “I don’t want you to take my silence as I don’t care or that I’m over what you said to RL. I want to let this drop so we can heal, but I need you to know that it really hurt me what you said to her.”

Letting go of what your husband did is a gift that he will never ever fully understand. An act that will define you as a human. It is an act of grace that no one will ever understand but you. Even if you split from your husband, you will never be free of him; you have to forgive all the parties involved. Not just for them, but for yourself.

Look, do yourself a big favor, go to Amazon and get a book called, “Authentic Happiness” Start on page 79. I’m talking about reading four pages. Then order “Getting Past the Affair.” I had them sent next day air. I couldn’t wait any longer to heal. Best investment of my life.

One last statment. I am happy and I have grown up a great deal. I'm made myself a better person and that goes a lot farther in my happiness than my relationship with my spouse. When you fix yourself, you become attractive and your self esteam goes up. Fixing myself is what makes me happy.

Thomas

I have 5 kids ages 16-10. Our D Day was August, 2008.




Edited 8/15/2010 12:17 pm ET by pater_familia

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2010
Sun, 08-15-2010 - 5:33pm

She got a very small taste of what I went through. And it was a bit of a wake up call.


Wow...been 10 months ...don't know if I can do this two years. This statement relates to something I have been thinking of lately...I am waiting for my H to have that moment of realization that he could lose me and tell me he can't live w/o me and he loves me more than life itself, etc, etc. He has said he really screwed up and he would not have contacted her...an old friend..if he could go back, but also had a hard time letting go of her and gets a little annoyed at me when I am overly affectionate sometimes...I never was before all of this...or ask anything that seems the least bit suspicious. Part of this is b/c he says he sees the hurt and mistrust and it reopens the wound he know he caused, so I try to let it go and not say anything ...I do not let him see me cry anymore and try not to be too clingy. Life is more stable and okay in some ways and I am better able to focus on other things I have ignored, but to survive I find that I am also getting closer to a point where I don't care one way or another. I also find that I want a relationship with someone that makes me feel special...the one I thought I had with him. We are rebuilding in so many ways a relationship better than before, but that feeling of being the only one the special one , I fear, is gone forever.