Need help from someone who's made it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2010
Need help from someone who's made it!
38
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 8:04am

Going to bed with the thoughts, waking up with them too.............The end and start to my days.

Sometimes I want to scream because the pain is so bad. It's been two months and I still cry daily. He says he loves me, he kisses me, grabs me sometimes but I don't feel strong feelings coming from him. He is very preoccupied with other stuff, especially that damn computer. I think he's bored with this life and in his mind he's settling. That makes me feel really bad. God I hope these feelings leave me soon. I'm so broken. I miss some sense of contentment and normalcy. Nothing is normal.....everything is tainted by this affair. I can't believe how far this reaches. I have no confidence, no sense of security and my opinion of myself couldn't be worse. I feel pathetic and out of control. I feel controlled by this affair, even controlled by him. He seems ok with everything. Ok with himself, the situation.

I still can't put the thoughts of him hugging her, kissing her, holding her hand out of my head. It makes me so sad and it's hard to choke back the tears and put the thoughts away. I still sometimes can't believe this all really happened. What if God forbid I should die before we get through this? Or if something bad should happen to me? How am I going to feel about my pathetic life? How would he feel about what he did to me? It's crazy to think that all of these years and love put into this relationship. If something happened it would stay frozen in time the way it is now, despite all of the good. I hope God gives us enough time to fix it. Some people don't get that time.

I'm scared that I'm kidding myself. I'm scared that I believe his words despite his actions. He said staying at the shore these two weeks is a sacrifice because he hates the shore. Really?? The rational person in my head is saying, bullsh***. You should be doing whatever it takes to win your wife back and put your family back together and do it with a smile on your face!!!!!! The broken heart inside me is saying it's enough and stay put. I need to be showered with love right now to get me out of this depression I'm in. I need someone to lift me up and make me see that there is hope. I don't think I can lift myself up. I'm trying but I'm not going to make it alone. My husband is doing what he can, what he is willing to do, but I don't think it's enough right now. He really doesn't see the effect this is having on me or he sees it and chooses to let me deal with it by myself. He thinks my reactions are to punish him or get attention. He couldn't be more wrong. He has no idea how many tears and breakdowns are hidden from him, how many thoughts are never expressed, how much heartache is buried.

He says he loves me and wants this to work. He has been with me every moment except when he's at work. The A lasted two months. It was with an older woman who he worked with for the past 11 years. Someone I knew but not well. He no longer works with her. He says the A stopped the day he told me. He had unprotected sex with her and now has herpes. He said he thought I didn't love him anymore and that our M was over. We didn't have sex while he was sleeping with her and I was tested for everything and have nothing. It wasn't a great M but it was normal for us. It's all I knew. Funny, people seem to think their husbands cheat with younger prettier women. Not true in my case.

I wanted to sleep later today but the thoughts wouldn't let me. I need advice for someone who stuck it out and made it through. What can I do to get myself back and make it through the day? I don't want to get divorced but I don't know how to stay with these thoughts and feelings. What does he need to do to help me through this. he often says what can I do?? What do I tell him?

Another day..............................................................

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2007
Sun, 08-15-2010 - 10:51pm

I'm just over 2 years out too, and I'm ok (I think!). Still a bit shaky from it all, and

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Mon, 08-16-2010 - 7:13pm

((((HUGS))))

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
Mon, 08-16-2010 - 9:21pm

I read your post and its rigt on, its been about 2 years for me and I am different now, somethings better even.


I think something is lost forever and I know I dont love my H the same but mabe that kind of blindness wasnt healthy anyway,


I still wonder if we will make it once the last daughter is off to college


I am waiting to see.


I think I wish I would have done what you did and just cried it out

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2010
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 10:43am

It is as if we have had two marriages - the one before and this one. I don't look at is as "rebuilding", but building a new life together.

This is a great way to look at things. My M was not a good one before the A and I had a huge role to play in that. I'm not taking responsibility for the A either, he had other options, but I do know we can't move forward unless I make some changes as well. I saw an IC and I'm off to a good start. He's seeing an IC as well to get help. We're doing all the right things and I know there is hope. If I could just get rid of the thoughts of the two of them together, I would be in much better shape. The pain of knowing he wanted someone else is really the overwhelming factor for me. I've used some of the suggestions I found in the self help books, some work, some don't. Some days they are so strong that it kills my entire day. I'm trying to throw myself into other things to keep my mind occupied but at the end of the day......there it is, waiting to invade my nights and creep into my dreams. Amnesia would be a gift right about now!

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 11:39am

"Take all the time you need to cry and scream and be angry, because once you let it all out, you can move on better and it wont continue to squeak out little by little over years"


I read once, "Feelings buried alive, never die."

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2007
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 7:06pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 8:17pm

these websites and postings remind me I am not crazy, that my feelings are real and when a perfect stranger can tell me how I have been feeling than I am normal


and what has happened is awful and I am not meant to just grin and bear it, Im suppose to heal healthy,


I think of it as collateral damage, I got hurt because someone else was careless

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Fri, 08-20-2010 - 12:30pm

To deal with the feelings and thoughts...as hard as it is, identify them and feel them for what they are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2010
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 11:07pm

Okay, it has been almost a year since my H contacted is old girlfriend and began the A...11 months since I found out about it...10 since he spent our aniversary with her...8 since he told her he would NOT leave me and his family. Almost 5 since he took her name out of his phone and both agreed to NC. What a year it has been!


It was January when I realized that I was spinning so far out of control that I needed serious help to deal with the worst rollercoaster ride of my life. After much counseling and light medication, I am catching glimpses of my self again...am able to function in my career and as a parent and can really start to put this behind me.


My H was always been...for the last 30+ years...since I was 17...the one person I thought would never betray me, the person who loved me more than anyone ever could, the person I would grow old with...never any doubt...even when things were bad between us and it seemed our marriage was dying a slow death. We are bonded for life in that way. But , for a while,

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 2:06pm