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|Thu, 07-29-2010 - 8:04am|
Going to bed with the thoughts, waking up with them too.............The end and start to my days.
Sometimes I want to scream because the pain is so bad. It's been two months and I still cry daily. He says he loves me, he kisses me, grabs me sometimes but I don't feel strong feelings coming from him. He is very preoccupied with other stuff, especially that damn computer. I think he's bored with this life and in his mind he's settling. That makes me feel really bad. God I hope these feelings leave me soon. I'm so broken. I miss some sense of contentment and normalcy. Nothing is normal.....everything is tainted by this affair. I can't believe how far this reaches. I have no confidence, no sense of security and my opinion of myself couldn't be worse. I feel pathetic and out of control. I feel controlled by this affair, even controlled by him. He seems ok with everything. Ok with himself, the situation.
I still can't put the thoughts of him hugging her, kissing her, holding her hand out of my head. It makes me so sad and it's hard to choke back the tears and put the thoughts away. I still sometimes can't believe this all really happened. What if God forbid I should die before we get through this? Or if something bad should happen to me? How am I going to feel about my pathetic life? How would he feel about what he did to me? It's crazy to think that all of these years and love put into this relationship. If something happened it would stay frozen in time the way it is now, despite all of the good. I hope God gives us enough time to fix it. Some people don't get that time.
I'm scared that I'm kidding myself. I'm scared that I believe his words despite his actions. He said staying at the shore these two weeks is a sacrifice because he hates the shore. Really?? The rational person in my head is saying, bullsh***. You should be doing whatever it takes to win your wife back and put your family back together and do it with a smile on your face!!!!!! The broken heart inside me is saying it's enough and stay put. I need to be showered with love right now to get me out of this depression I'm in. I need someone to lift me up and make me see that there is hope. I don't think I can lift myself up. I'm trying but I'm not going to make it alone. My husband is doing what he can, what he is willing to do, but I don't think it's enough right now. He really doesn't see the effect this is having on me or he sees it and chooses to let me deal with it by myself. He thinks my reactions are to punish him or get attention. He couldn't be more wrong. He has no idea how many tears and breakdowns are hidden from him, how many thoughts are never expressed, how much heartache is buried.
He says he loves me and wants this to work. He has been with me every moment except when he's at work. The A lasted two months. It was with an older woman who he worked with for the past 11 years. Someone I knew but not well. He no longer works with her. He says the A stopped the day he told me. He had unprotected sex with her and now has herpes. He said he thought I didn't love him anymore and that our M was over. We didn't have sex while he was sleeping with her and I was tested for everything and have nothing. It wasn't a great M but it was normal for us. It's all I knew. Funny, people seem to think their husbands cheat with younger prettier women. Not true in my case.
I wanted to sleep later today but the thoughts wouldn't let me. I need advice for someone who stuck it out and made it through. What can I do to get myself back and make it through the day? I don't want to get divorced but I don't know how to stay with these thoughts and feelings. What does he need to do to help me through this. he often says what can I do?? What do I tell him?