Need help from someone who's made it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2010
Need help from someone who's made it!
38
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 8:04am

Going to bed with the thoughts, waking up with them too.............The end and start to my days.

Sometimes I want to scream because the pain is so bad. It's been two months and I still cry daily. He says he loves me, he kisses me, grabs me sometimes but I don't feel strong feelings coming from him. He is very preoccupied with other stuff, especially that damn computer. I think he's bored with this life and in his mind he's settling. That makes me feel really bad. God I hope these feelings leave me soon. I'm so broken. I miss some sense of contentment and normalcy. Nothing is normal.....everything is tainted by this affair. I can't believe how far this reaches. I have no confidence, no sense of security and my opinion of myself couldn't be worse. I feel pathetic and out of control. I feel controlled by this affair, even controlled by him. He seems ok with everything. Ok with himself, the situation.

I still can't put the thoughts of him hugging her, kissing her, holding her hand out of my head. It makes me so sad and it's hard to choke back the tears and put the thoughts away. I still sometimes can't believe this all really happened. What if God forbid I should die before we get through this? Or if something bad should happen to me? How am I going to feel about my pathetic life? How would he feel about what he did to me? It's crazy to think that all of these years and love put into this relationship. If something happened it would stay frozen in time the way it is now, despite all of the good. I hope God gives us enough time to fix it. Some people don't get that time.

I'm scared that I'm kidding myself. I'm scared that I believe his words despite his actions. He said staying at the shore these two weeks is a sacrifice because he hates the shore. Really?? The rational person in my head is saying, bullsh***. You should be doing whatever it takes to win your wife back and put your family back together and do it with a smile on your face!!!!!! The broken heart inside me is saying it's enough and stay put. I need to be showered with love right now to get me out of this depression I'm in. I need someone to lift me up and make me see that there is hope. I don't think I can lift myself up. I'm trying but I'm not going to make it alone. My husband is doing what he can, what he is willing to do, but I don't think it's enough right now. He really doesn't see the effect this is having on me or he sees it and chooses to let me deal with it by myself. He thinks my reactions are to punish him or get attention. He couldn't be more wrong. He has no idea how many tears and breakdowns are hidden from him, how many thoughts are never expressed, how much heartache is buried.

He says he loves me and wants this to work. He has been with me every moment except when he's at work. The A lasted two months. It was with an older woman who he worked with for the past 11 years. Someone I knew but not well. He no longer works with her. He says the A stopped the day he told me. He had unprotected sex with her and now has herpes. He said he thought I didn't love him anymore and that our M was over. We didn't have sex while he was sleeping with her and I was tested for everything and have nothing. It wasn't a great M but it was normal for us. It's all I knew. Funny, people seem to think their husbands cheat with younger prettier women. Not true in my case.

I wanted to sleep later today but the thoughts wouldn't let me. I need advice for someone who stuck it out and made it through. What can I do to get myself back and make it through the day? I don't want to get divorced but I don't know how to stay with these thoughts and feelings. What does he need to do to help me through this. he often says what can I do?? What do I tell him?

Another day..............................................................

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2010
Wed, 08-25-2010 - 6:46am

I have a four-letter word for you that others have also mentioned: TIME.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2010
Wed, 08-25-2010 - 4:27pm
How are you? How are things going with counseling and all. You haven't posted in a while and I know this is early in the process and overwhelming to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Thu, 08-26-2010 - 4:05pm

"Tell me..how is it you can to talk to the OW?"


I never spoke with her directly, only through email.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2010
Sat, 08-28-2010 - 12:32pm
Thanks for asking. Things are getting better day by day. I'm seeing an IC who thinks I'm doing a great job handling all of this. He's been giving me exercises to do to rebuild my self esteem, forcing me to see that I am indeed a good person who was dealt a very crappy hand. The thoughts of the A are still present everyday (my dday was three months ago today) The IC is encouraging me to focus on myself for a while and forced me to make a list of the things I like to do and gradually.... ACTUALLY DO the things on the list. Funny, I had a hard time figuring out what I liked to do because it hasn't been about me in forever. Today I woke up mad and though I still love my H and don't want my family to be split up by his stupidity and ignorance, I don't like him very much. He has changed some for the better and continues to apologize for what he has done. I went from angry to sad to depressed to numb. I think that I've put so much energy into this at this point I want to ignore it for just a little bit if I can. I'm going to try to only talk about when I'm with the therapist and on this forum. (this is going to be tough) It's taken so much away, and I don't want it to take any more. I'm putting energy into painting, redecorating and landscaping. Hopefully throwing myself into these things will make me feel better. For those of you who are struggling with me, God Bless you! Do something for yourself! Make yourself a priority and see yourself as important! YOU ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU KNOW. Thanks crossroads....I needed that today! Hope you are doing well!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2010
Thu, 09-16-2010 - 1:00pm


Haven't posted in a bit.....

It's been almost 4 months since dday. My heart is still broken and I know it takes time to heal but it seems I get more confused each day. I still can't look at my H the same. He says he's sorry, knows it was the biggest mistake of his life but still doesn't seem like he's doing enough to help me through. Maybe nothing will be enough. Of course he broke all contact with the OW as soon as I found out but the memories of it all still haunt my daily thoughts. We're still together and deep down I think I trust him and he won't do it again but somehow that's not enough either. I don't want to leave but the pain of staying is overwhelming too. I'm depressed and sad. I go to counseling as does he but the pain is heavy and doesn't seem to be getting any less. I wonder some times if a separation will help??? Looking him in the face and making small talk about every day life is hard. I haven't mentioned the affair and my pain in about five days because I guess there is just nothing left to say and the therapist says we can't have it invade our day to day. It invades my day to day and it's hard not telling my H how I feel every day. It seems like nothing else matters but my daughter. I'm trying to be strong. Any suggestions??

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2010
Fri, 09-17-2010 - 6:37am

I went from angry to sad to depressed to numb.



These times are the rollercoaster lows...almost a year for me and I still feel them though not as much as before. At 4 months, they were overwhelming, as was the "need" to tell him what I felt. I don't know....my H is more about putting it in the past...I truely think this works for him, but I have to pick it apart and deal with it in order to let it go...sounds like you are working through this with your IC, but it is early for you...and you will have good days and bad. It sounds like your situation is moving along better than some though..at least he is in counseling also...I think

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2010
Fri, 09-17-2010 - 8:02am
Thank you soooo much for answering my post. I have another appointment with the IC today. I have been so distraught that my migraines have become a daily event and I was unable to return to work. I switched jobs after 16 years last September and went to a job I truly do not like. Going back to that place with this on my mind is something I can't handle. I miss my old job and my old friends and the loneliness is difficult. I can't go back to my old job and God I wish I could. There has been way too much change in my life this year! I hope you're right about time healing me. I worry all the time so the doc put me on a mild antidepressant/anxiety medicine. It's not helping so far, but I guess it's too early to tell. We did do MC early on and stopped because there was a lot of talking and the MC just nodding and asking my H how he felt about what I was saying. I think you're right about it being to early. Maybe we'll give it another shot. My H is trying but we don't have any conversations that don't end with him talking about how bad our marriage was before the A. I still feel like he blames me and I want him to come to the realization that no matter how the M was before, an affair is not justifiable. This affair has become very expensive between the medicines and the counseling. Thank God the insurance covers a lot of it! If the cheaters realized the aftermath of what they did, I don't think anyone would ever do it. (I think I've said that before) Life is difficult enough without adding to a person's misery by doing something like this. Why didn't they see that? I often read that people have affairs because they like the attention they get from the OP and they like seeing themselves through the OP eyes. I guess they don't see how their spouse will look at them after the affair is discovered. If he could see himself through my eyes now, he wouldn't like what he sees at all!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2010
Sat, 09-18-2010 - 9:28am

I can relate to so much of what you are saying. When we do speak of the A, he points out what our marriage was like at that time...it was pretty bad and I take responsibility for my part in that...but also acknowlages that he screwed up big time and says that as bad as it was, he would rather go back to that point than to have caused me this pain and done so much damage. He says I was a strong confident person before and he wants me to be that again...he does understand the damage, just not the inablilty to just put it in the past. the reality is that on DDay, it would have been easier to just run away...put it all behind me, but b/c of my children..mostky my daughter, I could not do that without impacting their lives in such a bad way...so, it really has taken more strength to do what

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