Need help from someone who's made it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2010
Need help from someone who's made it!
38
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 8:04am

Going to bed with the thoughts, waking up with them too.............The end and start to my days.

Sometimes I want to scream because the pain is so bad. It's been two months and I still cry daily. He says he loves me, he kisses me, grabs me sometimes but I don't feel strong feelings coming from him. He is very preoccupied with other stuff, especially that damn computer. I think he's bored with this life and in his mind he's settling. That makes me feel really bad. God I hope these feelings leave me soon. I'm so broken. I miss some sense of contentment and normalcy. Nothing is normal.....everything is tainted by this affair. I can't believe how far this reaches. I have no confidence, no sense of security and my opinion of myself couldn't be worse. I feel pathetic and out of control. I feel controlled by this affair, even controlled by him. He seems ok with everything. Ok with himself, the situation.

I still can't put the thoughts of him hugging her, kissing her, holding her hand out of my head. It makes me so sad and it's hard to choke back the tears and put the thoughts away. I still sometimes can't believe this all really happened. What if God forbid I should die before we get through this? Or if something bad should happen to me? How am I going to feel about my pathetic life? How would he feel about what he did to me? It's crazy to think that all of these years and love put into this relationship. If something happened it would stay frozen in time the way it is now, despite all of the good. I hope God gives us enough time to fix it. Some people don't get that time.

I'm scared that I'm kidding myself. I'm scared that I believe his words despite his actions. He said staying at the shore these two weeks is a sacrifice because he hates the shore. Really?? The rational person in my head is saying, bullsh***. You should be doing whatever it takes to win your wife back and put your family back together and do it with a smile on your face!!!!!! The broken heart inside me is saying it's enough and stay put. I need to be showered with love right now to get me out of this depression I'm in. I need someone to lift me up and make me see that there is hope. I don't think I can lift myself up. I'm trying but I'm not going to make it alone. My husband is doing what he can, what he is willing to do, but I don't think it's enough right now. He really doesn't see the effect this is having on me or he sees it and chooses to let me deal with it by myself. He thinks my reactions are to punish him or get attention. He couldn't be more wrong. He has no idea how many tears and breakdowns are hidden from him, how many thoughts are never expressed, how much heartache is buried.

He says he loves me and wants this to work. He has been with me every moment except when he's at work. The A lasted two months. It was with an older woman who he worked with for the past 11 years. Someone I knew but not well. He no longer works with her. He says the A stopped the day he told me. He had unprotected sex with her and now has herpes. He said he thought I didn't love him anymore and that our M was over. We didn't have sex while he was sleeping with her and I was tested for everything and have nothing. It wasn't a great M but it was normal for us. It's all I knew. Funny, people seem to think their husbands cheat with younger prettier women. Not true in my case.

I wanted to sleep later today but the thoughts wouldn't let me. I need advice for someone who stuck it out and made it through. What can I do to get myself back and make it through the day? I don't want to get divorced but I don't know how to stay with these thoughts and feelings. What does he need to do to help me through this. he often says what can I do?? What do I tell him?

Another day..............................................................

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 9:54am

Hi...


Sorry you are feeling sooo bad...I think alot of people who have been through this have very similiar thoughts and feelings....


I know for myself I felt very depressed and angry...I dont think I ever though had bad self esteem, cause I recognized that it wasnt me....I knew this was his fault and his problem.... But I was depressed and angry cause it hurt sooo bad... i thought that he loved me enough not to do something like this...It made me doubt him very much and doubt the love I thought we shared..


If I were you I think I would copy your post and show it to him...I think your feelings are very well stated and explained in your post....You really had a great post and touched on sooo many thoughts and feelings we all have....Like how could they do this to us? Do they really want us??? I think most of all we just want to know that we are loved, because when they reach out to another woman it makes us feel soooo unloved...and rightfully sooo...


Good luck to you...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2010
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 11:18am
I am so sorry that you are going through this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2010
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 2:46pm
Just hang on. The emotions and feelings you're having will keep changing day to day. After my husband confessed to a 3 affair(first yr, just friends, 2nd yr. physical, 3rd yr. how do I get out), I had all the same feelings you are having. I had a tremendous problem with self-worth and self-esteem. How could he do this to me? I kept the house nice, I made sure he looked nice, kept myself looking good, I ran the kids all over town, even tried to keep up with yard work so that he wouldn't have to do it after a long day at work. How could he do this to someone who loved him? Well he convinced himself I didn't love him and that our marriage was over. I asked him why he couldn't let me know. I told him I loved him and showed him by all the little things I did, but he just couldn't see me or hear me. I was completely blindsided just like you. The difference I guess is that he ended his affair before I ever knew about it. He made changes to improve himself and that improved our marriage. I didn't question it. I was getting all the love and attention that I could have dreamed of and that had been missing for so long. You see, my husband had made work and pleasing his boss his main priority and was hurt and confused, when after 20 yrs the spark had gone out of our marriage. Remember the person who cheats is totally responsible for the affair. They had other options, Lots of them.They chose to cheat and they need to deal with the consequences. It sounds like your husband is having a little trouble accepting that the blame for your unhappiness is because of the selfish choices he made. My husband understands this and has been amazingly patient while I ride the roller coaster of emotions that come after you find out the person who promised to love only you has given what they promised to someone else.Pain, humiliation, heartache, are just some of the things you must be feeling right now. I will promise you that time does heal some of the wounds. It is important for you to know that your happiness can't be dependent on anyone but you. It is not his job to make you happy. If you think it is you will be disappointed over and over again. First you have to find value inside of you. You have to tell yourself over and over that this was not your fault. You have to find a way to rebuild your self worth. You have to convince yourself that there is probably nothing you could have done to stop this from happening. It's not about you. It's about him and what was missing inside himself. He needs to figure it out. Don't try to analyze him. You can't understand how someone can do such a terrible thing unless you've done it yourself. Believe me I've been trying for the last year and a half. If it seems like he doesn't get your pain maybe he doesn't. But maybe he just can't deal with the fact that he is the cause. Some people will get angry at your never ending sadness because they just can stand to see the devastation they have caused. Their choices, their actions have brought someone they claimed to love to such a terrible unhappy place. If you stop crying and act happy he'll definitely feel better, but you won't. Remember, right now it's about you not him. He caused this disaster he needs to learn to patient for as long as it takes. It's not easy. I still, after 18 months, go on a rant almost weekly. I remind my husband sometime subtly, sometimes not, what an absolute piece of crap he was. Any idiot would know that cheating is wrong and hurtful. I ask him what made him so special? When did the rules of the universe stop applying to him? Needless to say this is not productive and neither of us feels better after. But he understands that I will let it go when I'm ready and as much as he wishes today will be the day, he knows that it's not for him to decide. We read a few really good books about how to recover after and affair. If you want some insight into how it may have happened read 'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass. If you need some help for yourself, read 'You, Him, and the other Women' by P. Coleman. Some of the chapters in these books may help him too. They will help your husband understand how important it is for him to patient at this raw and uncomfortable time. Do research. Read everything you can and then read it again. You get different things out of each book depending on where you are in the recovery process. Talk to someone. I only shared my horror with one close friend and she kind of got tired of hearing about it so I just stopped talking to anyone. My kids now know and sometimes I'll talk to my oldest daughter (she's 22) but the best thing you can do is to find someone who's been through and made it out alive. Others may sympathize but they can't understand.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2010
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 4:19pm

Thank you all so much for your posts. I know that there are those out there who have made it and are working at it. It gives me hope and strength. I've been with my H since I was 15, married him when I was 25. We've been through fertility treatments, lost one of our twin girls and got through him being diagnosed with an incurable eye disease. I thought we weathered all we would be dealt in this life and then BAM! Thank you all for solidifying the fact that I am not crazy and that my feelings are normal and justified. I did show him my post as you suggested. He read, teared up and kissed me. I know he feels terribly and wishes he could take it all back but as we all know, that's not possible. I know that he made the choice to cheat and that it's no ones fault but his own, but I do have questions about the OW. He has know her for 11 years. They were close friends at work. She knew about our lives, our past sorrows and our present relationship. (That's a trust broken as well....married people should not discuss their problems with members of the opposite sex...very dangerous) She sent my daughter presents when she was born!!! She knew he was depressed about our relationship, work and at a fragile state in his life.(mid-life crisis) She took the information he gave her and used it as a way to get him into her bed and her life. She's been divorced for a long time and was very lonely. She is 11 years older than him and had not had a relationship in 2 years. If she were a true friend she would have encouraged him to work on his marriage or waited until we were really "over" before getting into bed with him. She knows what her intentions were, I know it and so will my husband in time. Any suggestions if she tries to contact him or me?? As far as I know she has not since he told her he was working on his marriage and could not see her anymore. (2 months ago) What are your experiences with the OW, do they usually let it go, lay low for a while or are they usually persistent?

By the way.....you all are such strong women!!! Your help and concern is deeply appreciated!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2010
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 7:09am

Like the others said, you describe me for the first ..oh..five months after I found out. This affects every part of your life and is like no other emotion ever experienced. It makes a strong person weak and insecure. A lot of counseling has gotten me to the point where I don't cry everyday in the car, the bathroom, etc.


My H affair was both physical and emotional with someone from his past. These are even harder to bear b/c like the relationship your H had with this woman, it lead to him confiding in her about things in our life...me...our kids. That feels like such an invasion. For me, it is like there is a circle...inside that circle, my H, me, my kids, all aspects of our 35 year life together

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2010
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 8:55am

YES!!!! The inner circle has been broken. EXACTLY! When I was in grief counseling after the loss of one of my twin girls, I remember the grief counselor saying that you draw a circle around your house, your life, and don't let anyone in who will damage what you have further. She said not to let the people who would make you weak or hurt you in that circle. I never dreamed my husband would be the person who would do that, who COULD do that...he did!

I'm on vacation this week in a place where I have vacationed every summer since I was a little girl. It was place where I would come to feel better, relax and find peace. Now it's a place where I am grieving the loss of my marriage, my security, my confidence etc. I used to listen to my favorite songs, the ones that would take you back to a sweeter time, an easier time in life. Now those songs have taken on a whole new meaning and the words bring sadness. I think if the spouses who cheat knew the far reaching impact of their betrayal, they would never do it. I'm having trouble with all of the things that once brought me joy because they are somehow tainted by this betrayal. It's very sad how not only do we have to deal with the natural tragedies in life like death, illness and the actions of the outside world that hurt us, we have to deal with hurtful actions of someone who was supposed to protect us and help us through the trials of life. If this has taught me anything, it has taught me to protect the people I love and really think about how my actions are going to effect them. I never want to hurt anyone like this. Life itself is hard enough.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2010
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 11:00am

We are a little over two years from D-Day. If someone would have told me my DH whom I have known for 21 years was a liar and cheater I would have sworn them up and down that he wasn't capable of cheating. He had an A for nine months and saw the other-skank while he traveled on business about four times. It has been a long, hard road for us. My DH dropped the skank on D-Day and he hasn't heard from her again. They usually drop them because they don't have any respect for them. The OW throws all dignity to the wayside and tries to win your DH away from you and message his broken ego so your DH is going to miss having a doormat. What man doesn't want a woman to put his needs before hers and will stay hidden and service him when he wants it. The OW usually try to contact them so it is very important that your DH changed his telephone numbers and block her. Remember that it takes a desperate woman to sleep with someone else's H so don't be surprised if she tries to contact your DH. It does get better and you can make your M better. Our M is better and as long as my DH protects our M from outside parties we will be fine.


Be careful because you are going to go through a range emotions. One emotion which scared the heck out of me was ANGER. I have never been an angry person but I went through a period of rage. Thank God that passed.


It's important that your DH realizes that he cannot ever have contact with the X-other-skank and his life has to become an open book to you.


Happy rebuilding.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2008
Tue, 08-03-2010 - 12:22am
Time...Time.....Time My husband had an affair 10 years ago, it went on for months and he actually moved to another state with her. He realized after he moved rather quickly that he really screwed up his life. We got back together within the next month, myself following him to the other state. The first year was really rough, I did not get counseling and I should have. I never went to sleep without thinking about them together, things he told her about us, I felt raped. It has taken years for me to get over the hurt and humiliation ( we all worked at the same place). I still would not trust him 100%. But we do have a good life together now, he still to this day thanks me for taking him back. I love him, but never I will never love him the way I did before, something dies in you. If you really truly love him and want to stay with him, try to get counseling and have him go also,I think part of the reason it took so long for me to stop hurting was that I didn't get the counseling. He should go with you, my husband doesn't believe in counseling and I should have insisted on it for me. You are right, he should be doing everything he can to make you feel loved and wanted, he should answer any questions you have, he should be showing remorse and not be so occupied with his computer. He should tell you everyday how much you mean to him and realize what he may have lost. The severe hurt goes away, but the dull ache never does, it is a long road, so you have to decide if you want to take that road, if he is worth it, if your marriage is worth it. I took the road and yes we are happy, but there are days I wonder if I had not, where my life would be. I don't want to discourage you, but I just want to be honest, you only have one life and you determine it. Good luck with you decision.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2010
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 6:07pm

kapyp, newbeginnings, blue, all


I seem to view everything that happens or has happened to me in a timeline where the dday is the reference point...it is weird.


If I come across something with a date on it, I think "oh...that was in June of 2009...before IT happened, or Sept 2009...that was before I knew, but he was acting weird...etc. I not only found out about this A on dday, but that he had a short affair with her 20+ years ago...I never knew about, so when I think about something really pleasant from that time period...my first born was a baby then & it was a good time in our lives...it is tainted.


I think time may not heal all...you can't go back, but I get a little better able to cope day by day, month by month. As he tries to be transparent and open and we rebuild, we do a lot of things together and make new memories and I will try to focus on them. As we go through the next few months through the first of the year, it will be difficult b/c the worst of

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2010
Thu, 08-05-2010 - 12:07pm


Funny, "you can have him." I've thought about that over and over. In my case the OW is older, (10 years older than my H) lonely and has never had a successful relationship since she got divorced years ago. The thing about letting her have H is that she gets more than just him. I have an absolutely adorable, high spirited six year old who I love more than life itself. She had a twin sister who died the day I delivered. I had a ton of fertility problems and had to go the invitro route, bed rest for 8 months, in the hospital for a full month. Imagine we get divorced, he continues with this woman and she gets to be a small part of my child's life. These OW are obviously untrustworthy people to begin with and somehow I have to deal with her being Daddies girlfriend??? That's all too much. They can't even be trusted with other womens' husbands, how can they be trusted with our children?

Our spouses' made very poor decisions...where do those poor decisions end? How can we trust them now with decisions with our finances? our children? Whatever the reasons they give to cheat, they chose the wrong path, were clouded in their decision making. They trusted another person who lacks moral character instead of exploring their other options like MC, separating, talking, divorce whatever!

"Let her have him" means she gets the mother-in-law I love dearly, the cousins I have spent the last 25 years with, maybe even some of our fur babies I love so much. Sometimes I wish "let her have him" was that simple. We all know it's not and it's one of the major reasons we stay.

You sound strong and it sounds like you're making some good progress. We have to keep working to make ourselves feel better, heal and do what we can to regain confidence, self esteem and control. We'll get there...WE WILL and we'll be ok. thanks for your response...(((Hugs))))

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