NEED HELP ON VERGE OF AFFAIR - I AM MALE -

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2013
NEED HELP ON VERGE OF AFFAIR - I AM MALE -
22
Wed, 05-29-2013 - 3:19pm

LONG READ

Hello - this may not be the right place to post this but I figured since you have been through this you can give some kind of perspective. I have been married for 17 years. Life is good for the most part except in the bedroom unfortunately. I love my wife dearly but she is not paying enough attention in that area - and it is not a matter of her knowing that she is lacking because it had been a point of contention for years and I have reached my end.

My complaint in particular is variety and initiative. 

From the beginning she been rather conservative and it took a long time to basically get her out of missionary and to get her to express herself as she was being pleased. When I would bring up variety, she would feel as if I wasn't being satisfied and thought the sex wasn't good; to which I would reply - that wasn't the case I just thought we should add SPICE is all. That was always a big issue. Now let me say - we have 2 kids who are in high school now - I understand the toils of parenthood and balancing work with home life. I am NOT the kind of guy who comes home and expects her to do everything. I cook and clean just as much she does if not more. Why? Because i feel like home duties are not gender specific, if it needs to be done, then it needs to be done regardless of who does it. 

We had in the past, frequent conversations about a men and infidelity. We have had friends with unfaithful spouses and I used to half joke that if a man is not getting what he wans at home he will go out and find it - not realizing I would be in that situation my self. 

I have lurked on these boards for years and read a lot of your situations and was convicted not to go through with anything because of the pain you all have been through. So I decided to talk it out with her. her reply is usually she doesn't know what to do to make me happy. However on MANY, MANY occasions I have told her things - exact things for example: sex on Monday mornings usually makes my week a lot better (believe it or not, when that has happened - my weeks REALLY were good - lol). Now I don't expect it every Monday but how about at least ONE Monday out of the month, is that asking too much? I have talked to her about lingerie, I have told her about specific panty styles that I enjoy on her, so at one point (after she got fed up with hearing me complain about the older panties she wore consistently), she goes out and buys a bunch of panties - most of which were not what I described. Let me stop fpr moment so I do not seem like a control freak - lol because that is not what this is. This was in response to her asking me specifically what do I like. 

She also asks in terms of specific acts she can do - I will tell her - he may do them once or twice then she goes back to the same ole same ole. Even when I do NEW things with her - she LOVES it or at least gives the appearence to - she will usually cum much harder then "normal" sex. I dont think she is faking because I can usually feel her throbbing down below and she becomes quite wet. Sorry if I am being to graphic but am trying to be PC :)

And generally I have to initiate - which makes me feel like this area is not important to her even though it is too me. Again please don't think that this is one sided and I expect her to do EVRYTHING just for me. I am the kind of guy who gives back rubs for no reason, the guy who buys roses - for no reason. The guy who will download and create a playlist for her iphone of some of her favorite music just because. The guy to make breakfast for her to have in bed etc. Well those are hings that I used to do on a regular basis until she realy stopped paying attention in the bedroom. I still do them from time to time but FAR less frequently but she will complain about it sometimes but I laugh to myself - if we compromised then we could BOTH be happy.

So that brings me to where I am now where I am EXTREMELY SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED. I have found myself frequenting strip clubs during the day. looking into group chats etc.

I know I shouldn't do it but I feel like I have no other options - counseling won't work as my wife NEVER admits ANY wrongdoing in this. When we discuss it - it is always turned around to me in some sort of way - or she will say she be better with things and it changes for a week or two then back to how it was. Without being to graphic, a perfect example is oral, I have told her on MANY occasions how much I LOVE IT. Take a wild guess how many times I got it last year? a WHOPPING 6 times!!!! 6 times in a 12 month calendar year - unbeliveable. So far this year - it has been 3 times and the year is almost half gone. And the crazy thing, out of those 3 times only ONCE was it initiated by her. The other 2 times and most of last year was in response to me going down on her first then she would feel the urge to return the favor - but there were more times when I would do it for her - she would cum then ask me, "what do you want me to do?" unbeliveable!!!!! Should I really have to tell her?! If you have to contantly tell someone how to please you after 17 years or let's say even 5-10 years of marriage - something is NOT right.

So I have met someone in a similar situation as I am. We have only talked and had lunch ince but nothing happened - just talked.

I guess my question is - ladies or men - what do you do in this situation where your NEEDS are not getting met and you have CLEARLY explained what you NEED and would like?

rom what I have read, most you did not know what was lacking and caused your spouse to go off to be unfaithful. If you had known like this situation would it have helped and woulf you have done hings differently?

I value the groups input - thanks for reading if you made it to the end - lol

-Colin

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sun, 06-02-2013 - 9:19pm

There are better boards, but I hear bigger problems than sex going on.   She's missing an opportunity and you're talking yourself into an affair. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Wed, 06-05-2013 - 1:36pm

I was in your shoes, almost to a T and here's what I did - I equalized everyting in our relationship including the sex. My ex-wife enjoyed sex almost as much as me so I made her initiate every other time or she didn't get sex. Ditto with EVERYTHING in our lives. She couldn't hang with fair and bailed, wanted 'the best man on the planet' back shortly thereafter. However, I was done with her by then and have moved on to a wonderful woman who appreciated fair from the get-go. Not that I don't have to call her out now and again when she's giving less than she's taking but she responds in the positive when I do remind her that what's good for the goose is good for the gander.

Divorce is hell and I wouldn't recommend it for anyone but personally, I am and will continue to be much happier with this woman - we marry in 11 days.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 06-05-2013 - 1:50pm

One approach might be to put sex on her mind so to speak.

You mentioned the app that you used to have. Messages like text messages could possibly be a good way get her mind on the topic, and let it stew there, until you get a chance to be alone together. Could you simply use the normal text message route and send her messages? What about buying her a book, along the lines of 50 Shades of Grey or something similar. A lot of people ,women especially, responded well to it. Again it could serve to put the idea on her mind. That seems ot be one of your biggest complaints, she is not initiating. Like she is just not thinking it or thinking about it, Ideas like mine might possibly help.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Wed, 06-05-2013 - 2:25pm

colinp1000 wrote:
<p>Hi Slah,</p><p>You are right it would be shame to throw it away. Maybe I am wrong in this but I was specific with what I like. Which are the thong lke panties with the thin string - not lace not panties that cover most of the butt. And she buys almost the complete opposite - lol and on top of that this waaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy after we had the conversation. I have asked her about wearing scenting lotions when around the house and pariculary when coming to bed. She hardly does that but will take a bottle of it to work or put some on on her way out the door to work or use her spray when going to work. So it makes me think 1 of 2 things: 1) She doesn't really care what I say or 2)It is not all that important even though we have had several conversations about it.</p><p>I used to send her text messages daily - i had this cool app that had several love messages to choose from. It got to the point where it seemed that wasn't doing anything so I stopped a while and I had to switch phones and lost the app and could never find a good one that wasn't extremely cheesy.</p><p>And she does seem to have weight issues - BUT I LOVE HER FIGURE - I have told her that a lot over the years. She even has had several of her co-workers tell her that they wish they had her figure but it doesn't matter - she still feels the same way and so I do not bother telling her any more.</p><p>I understand dry spells - been through QUITE A BIT - but it seems like we don't have to have as many if the spouse is beeing specific about which of their needs are not being met.</p><p>Congratulations on 30 years!</p><p>I think I may have reached my tipping point unfortunately - and not sure how to proceed</p><p>thanks for the reply!</p>

To tell you the truth, it sounds like a power struggle is going on in your marriage and she has learned how to hurt you the most.  It really isn't hard to put on perfume and wear it around the house---it can be almost second nature to do so. The energy it takes to remember not to put it on can be switched around to remembering to put it on--it's no more skin off her nose to open up a can of "act right". She is choosing not to do this. She is choosing to go pick out underwear that are not attractive to you--it's just as easy to find thong or thong-like underwear as it is to find full granny panties.  She is choosing to thwart you at every turn, which is an actively, not passively, aggressive action.  She is telling you that you and your feelings aren't worth her bothering about... and that speaks to anger.  Whether it is medical/emotional issues she hasn't resolved or whether it's caused by something you did and don't/won't remember, only therapy will get at that.

As I said last time, it may be time for you to see a therapist about this.  You need to exhaust all avenues of trying to get through to her before you take other drastic measures which won't turn out well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Wed, 06-05-2013 - 8:33pm

When you said that your wife has weight issues it explained a lot. If she doesn't feel sexy because of body image or self esteem issues then it may not matter how much you like the way she looks. For many women sex is more mental and emotional than about physical cues. If she thinks that the thong panties look bad on her then she's not going to want to wear them, and it may be a big turn-off for her. If she is embarassed or self conscious about her body then she may not want to reveal it, she may not be able to relax enough to enjoy sex.

That brings me to the next part: there's a lot in your posts about things you want her to do: wear a certain kind of (very uncomfortable) panties, put on scented lotion before bed, perform certain kinds of sex, certain times of day. For a guy who evidently is barely getting any sex that may be too much to ask for. It may make her feel like she is not good enough, not attractive enough, unless she does these other things. Another turn off. If she senses that you're dissatisfied with her, unhappy with her, that can kill her interest. In your posts you talked a lot about physical things but not about how much you love her and cherish her, that you like to cuddle her (without expecting it to end up with sex), if you two have shared interests and activities that you enjoy doing together---things that would make her feel a strong connection and sense of intimacy with you.

Like another poster said, it also sounds like some power struggles going on here. Having sex is something that she can control. You feel like you do as much around the house as she does so "the field is level" but maybe in her mind things are not as equal?

I said it in an earlier post, I'll repeat it here: ask her to join you in counseling. I'd bet money that there are a number of issues going on here, the lack of sex is the symptom. Its possible that the core issues have little to do with you, or maybe they have a lot to do with you. Are you willing to work through whatever it may be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002
Thu, 06-06-2013 - 2:04am

How long do you want to live your life with your needs unfulfilled?  You have clearly stated to your wife what it is that you need.  She has clearly denied you.  Do you cheat?  NO!  Leave your wife and find your soulmate!!! Don't waste time!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Fri, 06-07-2013 - 7:23am
Your marriage vows are not based on how many blowjobs you get. It seems you are here to justify excuses to hurt the person you have loved and that has loved you for 17 years. Pleasure is not happiness, adultery and lies are disrespectful to both of you. How can you even consider this? Being honest is the only dignity available. Do not go outside the marriage and ruin the person you 'supposedly' Love she may regret ever meeting you. That is not love - let her go so she can find someone to Love her better - just posting this is betrayal in itself I feel sorry for her not you I am sure she would have issues to complain about too (don't we all) Thou shall not bear false witness If you go behind her back you make a fool of her Karma will find you
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Sat, 06-08-2013 - 2:28am

Colin, I am sorry you find yourself on this board.  I prefer not to go into detail, as it has taken me a very long time to heal but I would offer you the following fuel for thought.  When I found out my husband was cheating and confronted me he basically said I was not satisfying him.  His betrayal absolutely ruined our marriage.   I could not/would not get passed it.  Every time we were intimate and I closed my eyes pictures of them together would flash before my mind.  He told me before he passed that he never realized the problems that betrayal would bring,,,, everlasting problems.  We stayed together for a time because he was ill, I cared for him but we were NEVER the same - while some women are able to get passed betrayal and learn to live with what occurred there is a substantial group that are never able to live with it.  I wish you luck for the both of your sakes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2008
Sat, 06-08-2013 - 7:43pm

So, it's all about you.  You want and you need and you, you, you.  What about your wife and what she wants and needs?  If you want to move on with another sexual partner, then tell your wife you want a divorce and let her have a chance to find happiness with a man more suitable for her.  If you are not happy, she's probably not happy either.  So just let her go and move on.  Cheating on her is not the answer.  This is not all about you.  Your wife matters, too.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2008
Sat, 06-08-2013 - 7:43pm

So, it's all about you.  You want and you need and you, you, you.  What about your wife and what she wants and needs?  If you want to move on with another sexual partner, then tell your wife you want a divorce and let her have a chance to find happiness with a man more suitable for her.  If you are not happy, she's probably not happy either.  So just let her go and move on.  Cheating on her is not the answer.  This is not all about you.  Your wife matters, too.