NEED HELP ON VERGE OF AFFAIR - I AM MALE -

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2013
NEED HELP ON VERGE OF AFFAIR - I AM MALE -
22
Wed, 05-29-2013 - 3:19pm

LONG READ

Hello - this may not be the right place to post this but I figured since you have been through this you can give some kind of perspective. I have been married for 17 years. Life is good for the most part except in the bedroom unfortunately. I love my wife dearly but she is not paying enough attention in that area - and it is not a matter of her knowing that she is lacking because it had been a point of contention for years and I have reached my end.

My complaint in particular is variety and initiative. 

From the beginning she been rather conservative and it took a long time to basically get her out of missionary and to get her to express herself as she was being pleased. When I would bring up variety, she would feel as if I wasn't being satisfied and thought the sex wasn't good; to which I would reply - that wasn't the case I just thought we should add SPICE is all. That was always a big issue. Now let me say - we have 2 kids who are in high school now - I understand the toils of parenthood and balancing work with home life. I am NOT the kind of guy who comes home and expects her to do everything. I cook and clean just as much she does if not more. Why? Because i feel like home duties are not gender specific, if it needs to be done, then it needs to be done regardless of who does it. 

We had in the past, frequent conversations about a men and infidelity. We have had friends with unfaithful spouses and I used to half joke that if a man is not getting what he wans at home he will go out and find it - not realizing I would be in that situation my self. 

I have lurked on these boards for years and read a lot of your situations and was convicted not to go through with anything because of the pain you all have been through. So I decided to talk it out with her. her reply is usually she doesn't know what to do to make me happy. However on MANY, MANY occasions I have told her things - exact things for example: sex on Monday mornings usually makes my week a lot better (believe it or not, when that has happened - my weeks REALLY were good - lol). Now I don't expect it every Monday but how about at least ONE Monday out of the month, is that asking too much? I have talked to her about lingerie, I have told her about specific panty styles that I enjoy on her, so at one point (after she got fed up with hearing me complain about the older panties she wore consistently), she goes out and buys a bunch of panties - most of which were not what I described. Let me stop fpr moment so I do not seem like a control freak - lol because that is not what this is. This was in response to her asking me specifically what do I like. 

She also asks in terms of specific acts she can do - I will tell her - he may do them once or twice then she goes back to the same ole same ole. Even when I do NEW things with her - she LOVES it or at least gives the appearence to - she will usually cum much harder then "normal" sex. I dont think she is faking because I can usually feel her throbbing down below and she becomes quite wet. Sorry if I am being to graphic but am trying to be PC :)

And generally I have to initiate - which makes me feel like this area is not important to her even though it is too me. Again please don't think that this is one sided and I expect her to do EVRYTHING just for me. I am the kind of guy who gives back rubs for no reason, the guy who buys roses - for no reason. The guy who will download and create a playlist for her iphone of some of her favorite music just because. The guy to make breakfast for her to have in bed etc. Well those are hings that I used to do on a regular basis until she realy stopped paying attention in the bedroom. I still do them from time to time but FAR less frequently but she will complain about it sometimes but I laugh to myself - if we compromised then we could BOTH be happy.

So that brings me to where I am now where I am EXTREMELY SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED. I have found myself frequenting strip clubs during the day. looking into group chats etc.

I know I shouldn't do it but I feel like I have no other options - counseling won't work as my wife NEVER admits ANY wrongdoing in this. When we discuss it - it is always turned around to me in some sort of way - or she will say she be better with things and it changes for a week or two then back to how it was. Without being to graphic, a perfect example is oral, I have told her on MANY occasions how much I LOVE IT. Take a wild guess how many times I got it last year? a WHOPPING 6 times!!!! 6 times in a 12 month calendar year - unbeliveable. So far this year - it has been 3 times and the year is almost half gone. And the crazy thing, out of those 3 times only ONCE was it initiated by her. The other 2 times and most of last year was in response to me going down on her first then she would feel the urge to return the favor - but there were more times when I would do it for her - she would cum then ask me, "what do you want me to do?" unbeliveable!!!!! Should I really have to tell her?! If you have to contantly tell someone how to please you after 17 years or let's say even 5-10 years of marriage - something is NOT right.

So I have met someone in a similar situation as I am. We have only talked and had lunch ince but nothing happened - just talked.

I guess my question is - ladies or men - what do you do in this situation where your NEEDS are not getting met and you have CLEARLY explained what you NEED and would like?

rom what I have read, most you did not know what was lacking and caused your spouse to go off to be unfaithful. If you had known like this situation would it have helped and woulf you have done hings differently?

I value the groups input - thanks for reading if you made it to the end - lol

-Colin

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Wed, 06-12-2013 - 10:22pm

You mention a few times that your wife's actions make it appear that she doesn't care about your needs.  I'd say that is absolutely right.  You also mentioned that she was conservative about sex from the start.  My guess is that sex is not very important to her.   It sounds like this has been a consistent part of her personality over the years.  From my experience, when sex just isn't really important to somebody, all of the trying to "spice things up" in the world won't really work.  If she enjoyed it, she would initiate it.  If she wanted to do the things you want her to do, she would do them.   She may appear to physically enjoy the new stuff you try, but basic animal behavior would dictate that if you really enjoy, you would make the effort to repeat the behavior. 

You have made it clear to her what you'd like, and she doesn't want to do that stuff.  I can tell you that it will probably be tricky to find a woman who will give you what you need in an affair.  If you plan on staying with your wife, you could probably find somebody who will give you hot, NSA sex...for awhile.  But then, inevitably, things change.  Most women aren't going to be happy on the side for a long time.  

You could also get divorced, but that's no guarantee that you will find rewarding sex, either.  I left my marriage partially due to unfulfilling sex, and while I have had a few good experiences, dating is MESSED UP!!!  I went for one full year without any sex at all because wading through all the dysfunctional losers was not worth the effort.  So, surprisingly, you may end up with less sex if you get a divorce.  Or course, you might meet a great person who is a good sexual match for you, but the point is, it is a gamble.  

If you love your wife other than this issue and you want the marriage to survive, I have one word for you...porn.  I know many men who have managed to stay in sexually unsatisfying marriages by taking matters into their own...er...hands.  Yes, you'd imagine it would be so much better with a willing partner, but I'm here to tell you, finding that partner is WAY more complicated than you can ever imagine.  If you can handle those needs on your own, you may have a much easier path that will allow you to continue your marriage.  I would not bank on your wife changing.  Even if she did those things because you asked her to, most likely she would not be enjoying it herself (thong underwear suck), and sex with a grudging partner is not hot.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Wed, 06-12-2013 - 10:22pm

You mention a few times that your wife's actions make it appear that she doesn't care about your needs.  I'd say that is absolutely right.  You also mentioned that she was conservative about sex from the start.  My guess is that sex is not very important to her.   It sounds like this has been a consistent part of her personality over the years.  From my experience, when sex just isn't really important to somebody, all of the trying to "spice things up" in the world won't really work.  If she enjoyed it, she would initiate it.  If she wanted to do the things you want her to do, she would do them.   She may appear to physically enjoy the new stuff you try, but basic animal behavior would dictate that if you really enjoy, you would make the effort to repeat the behavior. 

You have made it clear to her what you'd like, and she doesn't want to do that stuff.  I can tell you that it will probably be tricky to find a woman who will give you what you need in an affair.  If you plan on staying with your wife, you could probably find somebody who will give you hot, NSA sex...for awhile.  But then, inevitably, things change.  Most women aren't going to be happy on the side for a long time.  

You could also get divorced, but that's no guarantee that you will find rewarding sex, either.  I left my marriage partially due to unfulfilling sex, and while I have had a few good experiences, dating is MESSED UP!!!  I went for one full year without any sex at all because wading through all the dysfunctional losers was not worth the effort.  So, surprisingly, you may end up with less sex if you get a divorce.  Or course, you might meet a great person who is a good sexual match for you, but the point is, it is a gamble.  

If you love your wife other than this issue and you want the marriage to survive, I have one word for you...porn.  I know many men who have managed to stay in sexually unsatisfying marriages by taking matters into their own...er...hands.  Yes, you'd imagine it would be so much better with a willing partner, but I'm here to tell you, finding that partner is WAY more complicated than you can ever imagine.  If you can handle those needs on your own, you may have a much easier path that will allow you to continue your marriage.  I would not bank on your wife changing.  Even if she did those things because you asked her to, most likely she would not be enjoying it herself (thong underwear suck), and sex with a grudging partner is not hot.

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