Need more advice please help sorry very long

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
Need more advice please help sorry very long
10
Sat, 12-21-2013 - 11:18am

Thank you for your replies on the photos sent to Gmail.  Ever since that time, I have been actively searching.  There has been nothing on both emails, no suspicious voice messages; however I found that there are Suggested posts on his facebook; AYI and OURTIME, both dating websites. 

In his Gmail spam there have been SEVERAL Promotional emails from Anastasia date team, Aisan beauties and Amolatina…

One spam email was SUBJECT: Status of your account

“Thank you for participation in our gentlemans catolog listing. Our records indicate that you have not been actively participating in our progam lately.  Therefore we are deactivating your listing.  To reactivate your listing, your Asian beauty login is UT11200 and your password is UT3220M.”

He got another email from AYI, with subject: ARE YOU INTERESTED?

“Your profile is imcomplete.  Just add one more step to build your profile on AYI!  Click on the button below to get started and see who’s interested in you.  Thanks! AYI-Are you interested?”

“You are receiving this email because you signed up for an account with AYI-Are You Interested.  To ensure you receive alerts when you have messages and matches, please add nofifs@mail.ayi.com to your email address book.”

I deleted this email from his mailbox and signed up myself for it.  I now have several emails daily from men…He has not been getting any emails from woman which means he did not sing up????

I have a friend who went to PI school who is trying to convince me that no one gets that type of spam email unless they are actively signing up for these types of websites.  He also said that the suggested posts on facebook is also because of what my boyfriend is doing (He is basically saying that where’s there is smoke there is fire).  I have known him for about 30 years and lately he has been taking about us taking the relationship to the next step; but my feelings for him are platonic and I don’t know if he is lying about my boyfriend with a hidden agenda. 

My female friend told me that this is all spam, boyfriend is doing nothing wrong and I am overreacting…That he may be going on porn (Which he is open about going on porn) and that she does not think he is actively going on any dating sites. 

BF has been making comments lately about cheating, saying that “Marriage is not what is used to be, I have one male friend who is cheating on his wife, I have another male friend who cheated on his wife when they were separated and she never found out and they are now back together and happy, I have a female friend who is a newlywed and is already cheating”  And “If you cheat on me I don’t want to know about it, why put myself thru pain when I am powerless over what you do and I cannot stop you if you cheat.”

The therapist will not give an opinion, only saying that I had a Trigger, caused him to have trigger and to “Wait it out, don’t have any expectations and if you catch him cheating then leave him.”  (If you don't already know my BF's son died in June and his then wife cheated after, his oldest son died in December and his then gf cheated on his shortly after)..The therapist thinks he associates trauma with cheating…

He just paid for my car to have work on and the bill was $600 for my Christmas gift.  Would he do that if he was on dating websites and wanting to f%%k around? 

He is currently on another business trip, coming home on New Year’s Eve.  Am I overreacting or do I have something to worry about? Thanks and God bless, and I hope you all have a great holiday.

Christy

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

If all you  have is spam emails to your BF then I would say you have no evidence whatsoever of cheating.  I get "suggested posts" of things on Facebook that I have no interest in.  I get spam emails from women looking for a good time--porn sites, etc.--and I'm a woman, so that is totally off base.  What you have to think about is that--are you capable of trusting anyone?  Has your BF actually done anything to cause you to mistrust him?  (I don't remember if there is any back story here.)  If you can't trust him, then you should just break up with him.  I can't imagine that any relationship could survive if you are always after him like a PI and suspicious of everything he does.  But I don't know if it's you or him.  I operate from the basis that I will trust someone until they give me a good reason not to trust, which in my case would be actual cheating or something close to it, like flirting with an actual woman.  And then if the guy was not trustworthy, I just wouldn't stay with him.  I would never be in a sitiuation where I was checking up on someone all the time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010

The emails say things like he hasn't been active, which sounds like he's not actively using the sites which is a good thing. Maybe he did at one time but its what he's doing now that is important. I disagree that the ads on FB mean he is visiting those sites. I see lots of ads on my FB page for sites and topics that I have never visited and are not even of interest to me. Some of them are things that a FB friend is interested in. They assume that you might have the same interests as your FB friends and its also really broad advertising.

Him spending $$$ on fixing your car and whether he wants to cheat are unrelated. If he wants to keep you in his life he would do nice things for you. When he says things about other people cheating, do you ask him about it? Maybe he wants to address the issue. Not necessarily that he means he wants to cheat, maybe he knows that you don't trust him, or he wants assurances that you will not cheat on him?

You need to stop discussing your bf problems with the PI "friend" who wants to be more than a friend. Wouldn't you feel betrayed if your bf was discussing you with some woman who wanted to be with him? PI guy doesn't seem to respect that you are in a relationship so it questionable that you should be talking to him at all.

Its a big problem that you do not trust your bf. Normally I would say to trust your gut instinct, if you feel like he is cheating then you are probably right, but in this case I'm not so sure. I don't know your backstory, if he cheated on you in the past or somehow gave you reason to suspect he would cheat on you now. If everytime he goes out of town you feel the need to snoop for signs that he is cheating then I don't see how this relationship can move forward. If you cannot trust him, because he is untrustworthy or because you have an unresolved problem, then maybe you should not be with him. If its your own problem with insecurity or low self esteem then you probably need to work on yourself before you will be able to be confident in any relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007

Thanks Musiclover.  The AYI (ARE YOU INTERESTED?) “Your profile is imcomplete”  was in his mailbox which I deleted.  The Amolatina…“Thank you for participation in our gentlemans catolog listing” Was in his spam…

He has not really done anything suspicious (Except for the pics being sent to Gmail and the fact he had no interest in getting a smart phone and got a Iphone out of the blue) but has been acting really difficult lately.  We always have a problem during the Christmas season as he hates the holidays because he misses his sons; so I don’t know if this is the reason.

When he came home from the business trip in November I found a piece of paper with his writing “I am looking for my soulmate” and when I asked he said it was for his sister..

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007

Thanks Rendemma.  He never cheated on me but my XH had a 5 year affair.  I, too would go with my gut instinct but I don’t trust it.  My BF is also a BS who has trust issues. 

When he was talking about the people cheating he said he doesn’t trust himself and I did not ask what he meant as he was getting ready for his business trip and the therapist suggested to not talk about heavy issues right now because he is not in a good place right now (He has severe depression over Christmas as he lost his two sons tragically) so I am waiting for him to come home before I talk to him.

The therapist said she thinks we will never be able to trust each other because of what we went through; he said a few weeks back that he still has his guard up…

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

Well I DO NOT go on porn or dating sites, and I still get e mails like "hot guys waiting to meet you"  requests to join dating sites etc., so this could all be random spam. I also occasionally get friends request from men I've never met (from cities I've never been to) and that ARE NOT friends of any of my friends on facebook . So I would not be too concerned unless you see that he is responding to any of the e mails.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010

I also get those kinds of emails. However, I still find the pictures that he had taken on vacation and then telling you that he doesn't like pictures taken of himself and the Meet Me website thing a bit fishy. I also think he's lying through his teeth about the paper you found where he wrote " I am looking for my soulmate".  For his sister??? You said his sister had just found out her husband was cheating and that she was divorcing him. I highly doubt she's already looking for her " soul mate". Why would he write that for her anyway??? Makes no sense. I also find the email from the Asian dating site that gave his user ID and password very troublesome.

As to whether your friend can give you an unbiased opinion since he has feelings for you, I don't know. But what you have here is a man who you don't trust, who lied about a thing as simple as having taken pictures,  who openly goes to porn sites, who from what you've said is an alcoholic albeit a recovering one, a man diagnosed with depression who refuses to take the medication his doctor prescribes.....ALL recipes for disaster IMO.  The fact that he's going to porn sites would be enough for me to end the relationship. Once that starts it usually gets the ball rolling for much worse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007

Thank you Gwtwfan for your reply.  You were there for me when I was going thru the crap with XH and I can assure you I will not go thru the same thing with BF.  If I find out he is hooking up w/other women he is gone gone gone!!!! He can sit in the pile with the rest of the lost souls!!!!!

I still find the pictures that he had taken on vacation and then telling you that he doesn't like pictures taken of himself and the Meet Me website thing a bit fishy. Makes no sense. I also find the email from the Asian dating site that gave his user ID and password very troublesome.

I think so, too.  All these emails/spams began RIGHT AFTER HE GOT THAT F’ING IPHONE!!!!

I also think he's lying through his teeth about the paper you found where he wrote “I am looking for my soulmate".  For his sister??? You said his sister had just found out her husband was cheating and that she was divorcing him. I highly doubt she's already looking for her "soul mate".

As far as his sister goes, I have found out that she was cheating on her first DH of 20 years with the new DH.  She came home and announced she was having an affair and was leaving him.  She lost custody of the kids and had to pay support to XH and married new DH, only to have him cheat on her and abuse her a year later.  They separated, got back together and he cheated on her again.  SHOCKING ISN'T IT???????

I would not trust her as far as I could throw her.  I do believe she is on the dating websites as she met new DH on match when she was with XH.  I think she has no integrity and do think she had something to do with this as my BF has no idea how to get on a dating website or how to upload photos.  She claims she has no money and is pee-poor broke, does her laundry at his house cause she can't afford the laundromat, yet drives around in a BMW and flaunts a coach bag with matching coach wallet and checkbook cover!!!!!

I am at a crossroads at this, as I cannot trust my gut as I listened to my gut before with other issues and was dead wrong.  BF has a follow up appointment on Jan 16th in regards to his liver biopsy; and I don't know if I should be a royal ahole and say, "See ya ahole!!!" or do the right thing and stand by him thru this (Since I have no concrete proof at this point)

On an unrelated note, I got a call from an old friend who knows someone who now works with my XH.  As you know he was an attorney who quit his job to become a security guard.  He is now telling people that he retired from a large well known law firm working under a well-known famous Boston attorney.  WHAT????  He worked for a small firm, which he left b/c I “Made him do it” because OW was there, only to work for a smaller firm; which he HATED, left the firm (Blaming me once again) to go to the security job.  UNBELIEVABLE.  Still f’ng lying!!!!

This person told me that XH is a “wild and crazy guy” that he goes clubbing and drinking every night after work.  IMAGINE.  A man in his 60’s clubbing throughout the streets of Boston.  WHAT A JOKE!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 12-22-2013 - 11:21am

I have to laugh now because I'm an attorney in Boston--let's see if I know any former attys. who are now security guards (well I don't now, but I'll keep a lookout).  When you say imagine men over 60 going to clubs, you just can't imagine.  I'm 56 and there is a suburban club that I call the pickup joint for the middle aged.  One of my friends really likes it but I hate it and don't generally go--it's a very popular club and has people from 20's on up to really old people.  There are so many guys who just hand out overlooking the dance floor and drinking and ogling the girls and don't even dance.  I am a dancer so I'd prefer to go to places where you actually have to know how to dance (swing or salsa, for example) and those people are friendlier.  But a couple of weeks ago my friends convinced me to go to a singles dance--it's advertised for ages 35-60 but I went in and thought I was at a senior citizens dance by mistake.  There were probably 3 men there under 65. So yes, there are plenty of men over 60 hitting the bars and clubs and trolling for women--usually looking for women 20 yrs younger than they are, but I don't think the women are showing them reciprocal interest.

But back to your problem, it seems to me that 2 people who have been in the position of being betrayed, but not over it (and I think that is key) are kind of a recipe for disaster.  I was cheated on briefly in my first marriage but that really wasn't the cause of the marriage ending.  It was definitely devastating and shocking at the time cause I was very surprised that my church going DH would do something like that, but strangely enough it didn't affect me in future relationships.  I really didn't go into other relationships worrying that much that they guy would cheat--I don't really know why.  I have never had a suspicious nature or been that jealous either.  So I married my 2nd DH, who was a widower and I think he found out after his DW died that she cheated--and he used to say that his DD wasn't really his, although I don't know if that is really true because he had mental problems.  So he was much more suspicious and believe me, that suspicion was really off-putting to me because I am not the type who would cheat on anyone and he should have known that.  Like he would get jealous that I would give my male co-worker a ride down the street to his house (a distance of about one mile so we were in the car about 5 minutes together)--I had no interest in this guy and what difference would that make considering we were sitting next to each other at work for 8 hours anyway?  It must be really hard on your BF to have lost 2 children.  After being w/ my MI 2nd DH, I Have realized that I just do not want to be in a relationship w someone who has huge issues that they are not dealing with or maybe can't deal with.  Yes, at middle age we all have baggage, but he had the whole set of matched luggage.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007

Thanks everyone for the replies.  I guess I will wait and see what happens.  I have been so stressed out lately that I have not been eating much and I did lose some weight. 

My BF LOVES ice cream and took me and the kids out for sundaes every nite in the summer time and I packed on the pounds…Now my stomach is flat and you can’t see my a$$ in my scrubs!!! Yay!!!

So, if he is on dating sites I will dump him.  I will not go back to the way I was with my XH, begging him to dump OW, bawling like a baby while he gave me a cold stare.  Screw him and BF….

When it is all done I will be out on the town looking like a hottie while he is on match looking for his soulmate.  HOWS THAT WORKING FOR YOU?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
I'm so sorry you're going through this again. I do remember us ALL being for each other back then. As to the EX, mine does the same crap. They LOVE playing the victim and blaming anyone and everyone other than take responsibility for their actions. "Wild and crazy guy" in his 60's clubbing, huh? He may GET clubbed being that stupid and wind up in an alley somewhere. Poor guy; I'll send him a box of bandaids.....NOT! lol