I will try and give the the short version.
You are SOOOOOOO RIGHT!
Maybe a little talk or counseling before asking for a divorce. Asking for a divorce may just get you one, now that she is free.
We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.
With four children to care for, you have a full plate.
Thanks for your reply it was helpfull.
I don't know if you're jumping the gun to divorce or not.
Bottom line is you can't trust him when it comes to her. He puts her first over and over again. He should be jumping through hoops to regain the trust and if you give him a choice between her and you, he should know immediately who he chooses. He is trying not to choose and that is the relevant info here. If she is nothing to him, it shouldn't matter that he cannot speak to her.
So, no, I don't think you are overreacting. Your H has been having an emotional affair for years with this woman and the fact that he hid that he was talking to her again shows you that he is still hooked. Who wants to live with a man who has one foot out the door?
The closest DH and I came to getting a D was about a year after NC. xOW went to his office to test the waters and he did not kick her out. Previous to this, my biggest fear was that he would not be able to draw a line in the sand with her the next time she came around because the "danger" had passed and it was safe again. He didn't kick her out, but he said his lack of enthousiasm, that he continued to work, only listened with half and ear, and changed the subject whenever she got personal, sent a message that he was no longer interested and that he doubted she would come back. It wasn't good enough for me. I was upset for a week and he refused to talk about it. Finally, I calmly told him that I would have her out of my life one way or another even if it meant getting rid of him. I was through looking for her over my shoulder. I asked him why he didn't just tell her once and for all that he was not interested. He said he didn't want to hurt her. My jaw dropped. I said, "So, you have no problem with your wife being upset about her visit, not eating, not sleeping, not talking to you, and crying at the drop of a hat. You let me go through this without once trying to do something about it. Yet, you are worried about her poor little feelings after everything she has done to me and our marriage?" He went still. For the first time he realized how much he had put her ahead of me. It had been a year since he had seen her, yet he was still doing it. I think that whole conversation brought home how much he had screwed up and how close he still was to loosing me if things didn't change. Things did change pretty quickly after that because he put in all the effort he should have put in up to that point. After that, I was not going to tolerate that door being open even just a crack and me telling him in a calm and controlled manner got his attention where crying and screaming failed to before.
So, I don't blame you. Their relationship is a huge threat to your marriage and there is no reason you should put up with it. If your DH really did love you, he wouldn't ask it of you.
This woman is a competetive, manipulative. and conniving woman.
I replied this response on another board on which you had posted.