Need some outside opinions

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2013
Need some outside opinions
8
Mon, 05-06-2013 - 7:12am

Ok my husband and I are currently living apart while he saves to file for a separation. While we were married and living together ( this was two years ago this happening) I caught him talking on the phone with this woman from his Job. I just had a weird gut feeling that told me to check our cell phone records which I had never done and saw all the mover night calls and calls to her on his breaks at work. Supposedly it ended after that. He said he never saw her outside of work and they never kissed or did anything like that so of course he doesn't count that as cheating but I did and He sat started a band a couple months I after that which I didn't like cause then I had trust issues and I didn't like the idea of him bein in a bar with drunk girls but he did it anyways. Well there was another groupie type girl that stood out and I'd tease him about her and he'd get mad or annoyed and such. Deny it ect... Well one night he had fallen asleep and I had watched him earlier unlock his cell so I knew the password and I checked his cell. This time there were texts to her assaying things like hey I'm at this bar you should come have a drink with me and one to her and her friend saying hey you guys left me at this bar and there's weird people here and they were all like poor baby we will come back blah blah. I confronted him again of course again he didn't think he was doing anything wrong even though the marriage counselor even told him he crossed a line again. But again I kinda let it go as we have two small special needs children together and I still wanted it to work. Well supposedly that ended an I had thought we were getting better till he said he was moving out. When he left he was mean like the name calling type and yelling at me about everything and I became the adult out of the two of us. Well he had said he wasn't ready to say we were over for forever but he needed to see if he could live without me. I said if he didn't love me we needed to just divorce and I felt he didn't love me cause he was moving out. I thought about it and decided that if there was a chance I'd seperthe instead if that hope was there. Well my best friends fiancé car pools with my husband and she told me last week that her fiancé said thaHenry husband was still seeing this work girl they haven't had sex but he is seeing her and that he got a throw away phone to talk to her. I only could confront him about the girl cause if I did about the cell phone he'd know who ratted him out and I wouldn't find anything out anymore cause he wouldn't tell and plus this guy is my friend too and that'd be Not right. I told my husband that some girl messaged me on fb saying that he was still seeing this girl at work. He got so mad saying it wasn't true he swore on our kids lives it wasn't true. I told him if it is fine but I just wanted him to say so.i told himself are separated so he's allowed I just want to know so that I let go of the hope for us cause if he gets another girlfriend I won't take him back. That will be it cause if he's unwilling to go to counseling while living apart to see if we have anything but he wants to leave his family to hook up then nope he's done with me. Since I've confronted him he's said he was sorry for the name calling and has been really nice to me. My dilemma lies here. Do I believe him that nothing's going on with her cause he swore on our kids lives? I doubt my guy friend he carpools with would lie but my husband has said that rumor has been around forever even before they did start talking on the phone. If it is true why wouldn't he just say so? We live in a no fault state so it couldn't hurt him in court reallyIs the only reason I can think he'd deny it is because he doesn't want to count his chickens before they hatch. Like he knows if he is I won't take him back ever so he doesn't wanna lose mte and then this thing with her doesn't pan out then he's alone? He's lied so much I just don't know if I should believe he is with this girl and has another cell or not. Wish I could see this cell phone to just know. Help

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 05-06-2013 - 9:41am

What is it you want to hear?  You don't trust him!  Whether or not he deserves your trust, only he knows.  What is the point of paying money for a separation?  If the marriage is over, get a divorce, and have it over with.   On the slim chance that he decides to come back, do you intend to spend the rest of your life checking his phone?  There are two sides to every story, and it's possible he's tired of you not trusting him.  Has he EVER cheated on you (and talking to someone on the phone isn't cheating......yet!)?  Is your problem worrying about him cheating, or is it your own insecurity?  You mention a counselor.......well, that doesn't seem to be doing much good because you're not living together.  Also, why is the ball in his court? Why is HE the one who will decide whether or not you two stay together?  What do YOU want?  Maybe among other things, you need to find a better counselor!

It's time to get out of limbo.  Make up your mind what you want, and then do what needs to be done.  Good Luck to both of you and your children .

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Mon, 05-06-2013 - 3:49pm

well said, Fissatore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2013
Mon, 05-06-2013 - 4:33pm

I trusted him up til I found the phone records then after he said it was ended I let it go no checking nothing gave him the benefit of a doubt til I had another feeling A year or more later. Trust is an issue now but never was. I want to work it out the balls in his court cause he's the one that left. I'm not waiting by any means but if hit hey are seeing each other then I will just divorce. talking to another female all hours of the night daily and not telling your wife and calling this girl instead of your wife on breaks is crossing the line. It's totally an emotional affair. You must be a guy saying its not cheating. he was hiding it cause he knew it was wrong. Wasn'st like she was a mutual friend and I knew they were speaking to each other. Plus it was going on for two weeks before I caught him so prob would've went further. I don't want to distrust him if he ever says he wants to work it out but how do you get past that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 05-06-2013 - 8:03pm

Your DH has a history of lying & inappropriate behavior w/ women so the fact that he swore that he wasn't seeing the girl at work (when the friend, who has no reason to lie about it said that he had this extra phone) really means nothing.  I think you probably hit the nail on the head when you said he's taking advantage of this opportunity but doesn't want to cut all ties with you in case it doesn't work out--he said he wants to see if he can live without you.  What that means is that if he can have a fling with another woman & that starts to look like a better deal, then he'll drop you, but maybe if the fling doesn't seem so great, then he'll come back & swear that you are the best thing in the world, he was a fool to move out, etc.--is that really what you want?  Do you want to be in a situation where you feel that you can't trust him and you are always thinking about checking his phone or snooping on him?

I feel that these trial separations very rarely work out unless a lot of rules are established.  I think one rule should be that if the parties really hope to get back together, they need to go to counseling and they shouldn't be seeing other people because that distracts from the relationship.  Let's face it--the new fun friend who doesn't make any demands is going to be a lot more interesting than the wife.  Also he needs to be responsible and help you out with the kids and be paying you child support.  If he's not willing to do these things, I think you should make appts. w/ a counselor for yourself to help you decide what is the best thing to do and also with a divorce atty. to see what your rights are.  As far as "saving up" for a separation, if he's giving you child support anyway, really the only thing to be saving up for is the filing fee, which is usually only a few hundred $$--if he can't even afford that, how does he think the 2 of you are going to support 2 households, esp. w/ special needs kids?  Maybe his new freedom is going to come with a big financial price.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Tue, 05-07-2013 - 12:59am

He's created a trust issue by lying again and again, so why would you trust him with such a huge issue?  WHATEVER is going on between the two of them, it's bad for your marriage.  But him saying he wants to find out if he can live without you?  That's cold and cruel.  I think maybe you'd be better to take a step here and find out if YOU can live without HIM.  When a guy wants to fix what he's messed up, he tries.  He does whatever it takes if his marriage matters, and the first step is permanently cutting off all contact with this woman.  That should not take him more than about one second to decide.  From what I've learned thru the years there's a percentage of men who genuinely believe unless they have screwed another woman....then they have done nothing wrong at all (my DH told me that).  And there's a percentage that think it's okay to "take a break" and move out, and that when they do they're living the single life again and doing whatever they please with whomever they please.  Since he lies, you can't know if that's what he is intending.  But if he's known for lying, you get it into your head that you only know the tip of the iceberg, and I've learned that tends to be true.  It sounds like he's going to test her out and see who he wants the most, so is that what you want?  I think you have indicated a big fat no to that.  To be honest, this isn't up to HIM, the ball is in your court right now, so don't sit there and wait for him to play with your head.  Decide what it is you expect and if he keeps to his little game, do what you have to do.  Lots of us have felt this kind of misery, thinking our DH was trying to decide between us and some bimbo, it's pretty miserable.  Be strong, do what's best for you.

 

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Tue, 05-07-2013 - 7:31am

darbyd24 wrote:
<p>I trusted him up til I found the phone records then after he said it was ended I let it go no checking nothing gave him the benefit of a doubt til I had another feeling A year or more later. Trust is an issue now but never was. I want to work it out the balls in his court cause he's the one that left. I'm not waiting by any means but if hit hey are seeing each other then I will just divorce. talking to another female all hours of the night daily and not telling your wife and calling this girl instead of your wife on breaks is crossing the line. It's totally an emotional affair. You must be a guy saying its not cheating. he was hiding it cause he knew it was wrong. Wasn'st like she was a mutual friend and I knew they were speaking to each other. Plus it was going on for two weeks before I caught him so prob would've went further. I don't want to distrust him if he ever says he wants to work it out but how do you get past that.</p>

One does not live in the past or in the future; one lives in the now... and currently, you do not trust him. That is the starting point here. 

If you trusted him, you would not have an overarching need to look through his cell phone constantly to make sure he's not contacting this woman. Whether or not he says he wants to work things out, it's not going to erase the fact that you will never, unless you've gone through some really, good, intensive therapy, be able to leave his cell phone be and not look at it.  It's an addictive drug for you right now and everything you're saying you want is predicated on you having access to his cell phone because you think it is the only way for him to prove to you that he's not talking to her.  He could very well have a throw away cell phone that he keeps at work and has the bills sent to his job--and you will never know or be able to get your hands on it.  Can you live with that?  Most likely not, because your distrust of him is that complete.

The only way this can work out is, like I said, you get a handle on your addiction to access to his cell phones and he gets a handle on his deceit--and you both have to want that more than the next breath you take or else, you just might as well spend the money on an attorney and get some true peace of mind and distance from one another.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 05-11-2013 - 10:54am

I'm a female, and I was married to a cheater.......but in those days, the phones were attached to the house, not in someone's hand.  And talking to a woman (if that's all it was) for a couple of weeks is NOT cheating.  Granted it can lead to cheating, and you're convinced it was, so it was.  And if you can ever trust him again is the question.  It's doubtful, and there's no point to a marriage if you have to check his phone every day.   However, it's your life, if that's how you want to live it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2012
Sat, 05-11-2013 - 10:09pm

I will just say this....my husband swore on his dead grandmonther that there was nothing going on with anyone. His dead grandmother that he loved sooo much. Well it wasn't true.