Need to vent and looking for support

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2014
Need to vent and looking for support
2
Mon, 04-28-2014 - 1:08am

This is my first post- never thought I would be sharing this in a public forum but I really need vent and build a support network with people who may understand.

My husband of 7 years (together for 13) cheated on me a year ago exactly.  I did not find out until the end of June, 2013.  We went on a two week family vacation (first vacation in 7 years) with our parents and a few friends for my teenage daughter.  My husband called his mistress on our first day there- not realizing that my mother was just around the corner of the deck and heard EVERY word of his conversation where he was telling his whore that he wished it was her that was there with him, how he cannot quit thinking about her, how everytime he see's a pregnant woman he thinks of her and can't wait for the day they have children together.  My mother confronted him,  he did not deny the affair.  He then climbed in bed with me like nothing was wrong and went to sleep. My mother told me the next morning.

Fast forward- he has never denied having a sexual affair, told me there was no child- that it was wishful thinking- they were playing a game, what would their baby look like.  He did call her the next day and allegedly broke it off with her (not in front of me though- I do not know if he actually did this).  Told me some minor details.  He begged forgiveness and asked for another chance.  After I cooled down a few weeks, I agreed to give him another chance with conditions- individual counseling, marital counseling, weaning himself off all medications for depression and anxiety per his psychiatrist recommendations.  He had to get STD testing, and work toward regaining my trust by openly sharing the details of the affair, being profusely open and predictable, and agreeing to allow me access to his online passwords, not that I would use them, but just to be completely open. AND he could NEVER have contact with her in any way shape or form again.  He agreed.

We are 9 months later and he moved out a week ago.  He quit going to individual counseling months ago.  He did go to marital counseling but did not actively participate or follow through on the recommendations of the counsoler or my requests (like to plan a date night weekly-one out of the house/one could be in the house), he did go off his meds but actually developed colitis as part of his withdrawal symptoms. (He went off of them himself without weaning off or following the advise of his Dr) so had to go back on them- the mania and the "Numbness" he gets as an effect are back full force.  We have reverted to being roommates- no romance, affection, intimacy.  No hugs, kisses, touches- nothing.  There has been no sexual contact since last July.  He has been becoming more impulsive, less open, not predictable at all.  He has resisted and refused all requests to share the details of his affair (including attempts by the counseler, stressing the importance to healing).  He finally told me 2 weeks ago he was not happy, he "Loved me but was not IN love with me", that we just grew apart and he wanted to seperate.  I told him I did not want to seperate, but in light of his feelings, agreed- though I told him, if he followed through and upheaved our family again, I would be filing for divorce.

It has been one week since he packed up and left.  He finally told me the details of the affair after telling me he was leaving- I had threatened him with a nasty divorce (childish of me, I know) if he did not tell me the details and the OW's name...  I am beyond furious with him- he had an affair with a girl barely older than my oldest daughter who was assigned to him for an observation experience as part of her college classes.  She was there for a TOTAL of 6 days over a 3 week period.  In that time, he "fell in love" with her- took her to a local BUSY parking lot close to his work, and had sex.  They carried a phone/texting relationship after the physical experience ended.   He told me it was beccause she liked the showtime mini-series "Spartacus" and I didn't.  He was lonely.....  I had told him to leave (I did, I told him to shape up or ship out because in Feb of 2013 ALONE, he spent over $800 in a month on losing lottery tickets) ...... Intrestingly enough- he told me completely different details last june (that the girl was a teachers aid/ not a student teacher as he is telling me now)  then I learn from his mother that it is a completely different person all together.  I just have no idea what ot believe- and honestly, have stopped caring beyond the fact that he is STILL LYING!!!

I tried to get over this- I feel the anger coming at odd times, triggered by random things.  I am beyond hurt- I feel betrayed.  Our marriage was heading in a downward spiral before the affair- instead of coming and talking to me- he followed through with an affair.  I was just as unhappy, just as lonely, just as isolated, seeking love and affection, just as much as him.  The only difference, I was looking toward him to give it-  (and getting angry and resentful that he was not obliging)I cannot help but feel that our marriage was over before we even had a chance to fix it.

I just cannot get past his affair.  I cannot get past the betrayal.  The lack of respect, the lack of faithfullness, the fact that he was playing "lets talk about our pretend babies" with her when I wanted more than anything to have another child- only to have him EMPHATICALLY refuse to have more with me.  The lack of sex and intimacy.  The lack of romance and feeling like I'm special to someone.  He has placed his affair's privacy above all else, even at the expense of our marriage.  the LYING!  I cannot see a way out of this.

So when he left last week- I was sad, but decided that I cannot allow him to continue to have hold over me.  I vowed I will not allow him to hurt me anymore and upset all of our lives anymore.  I made him pack everything of his- (he is living with his enabling mother and father) he thought he would just take some underwaer and a a change of clothes, leaving everthing else here.  That was Eye Opener #1 for him.

Since leaving- he has done a complete 180- he has gone from cold and stoic- to overemotional, crying, begging for me to allow him to come home, telling me how much he loves us and misses us.  How we are his whole world....How he regrets everything and wants me to give him another chance. He is so sorry- he has to live with this all his life. (I corrected him that actualy we ALL have to live with his poor decisions)

My opinion- I gave him another chance last June/July after the affair was discovered.  He made minimal effort after the initial intense fear of losing us died down.  There was still no meaningful relationship, no intimacy, no sex. No happiness.  He is not a equal partner in our marriage.  He is like another child.  He does pay the bills but does nothing else to help in the home or with the children or our families.  He will go no-where.  He wants to do nothing.  His family enables him "Oh, it's not that bad, she will get over it"  My family HATES him.  It's extremely akward.

I think this is the point where I seriously have to say- enough.  I think this is that moment where divorce is the best option, though it would be easier to stay.

I just cannot see the good anymore.  There is so many layers of pain, anger, regret, hurt, disappointment, embarrassment, disbelief, and sorrow.  I have no faith that if I took him back again (as he wants me to) that (based on history) anything would change.  He has been emailing, texting, skyping, calling- etc many times a day.  Other than to give him access to our child- I have been not engaging with him.  I have not been angry or sad- just matter of fact and to the point.  No small talk, no chit chat.  No talking about personal things- like how my day was ,etc..  I feel like I have done all I could to make our marriage work- I decided to quit banging my head trying to believe he would be who I wanted him to be- instead of who he is.  

I think it's time....


sorry this is so long.  It is also probably full of spelling errors and grammer issues- I am literally just trying to purge my jumbled mind.  Make sense of something senseless.  While I'm still angry and hurt- I'm actually grateful to be on my own again.  I am sooooomuch less angry.  Hopeful for a change.

But....how do you let go of the anger and forgive?



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2012
Mon, 04-28-2014 - 1:18pm
You have obviously been through so much, and my heart breaks for you (and your children) for the hurt and pain you have endured. Are you still seeing a counselor for yourself? I went through some similar circumstances a couple of years ago, and I'll admit, I still go to my counselor every now and then in order to keep my emotions in check. Maybe your husband will even go with you while you're separated. This might give you some insight to how dedicated he is about working things out. As for forgiveness, I'm going to be completely blunt with you. Forgiveness can sometimes seem like an impossible thing when you've been hurt so deeply. I was not quick to forgive in my own life. But now that I can honestly say that I have forgiven 100%, I realize how freeing it is for ME! I'm not stuck with bitterness in my heart toward him, and I'm not angry anymore. True forgiveness will keep unresolved bitterness from destroying you. Hang in there. I'll be praying for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2012
Mon, 04-28-2014 - 1:19pm
You have obviously been through so much, and my heart breaks for you (and your children) for the hurt and pain you have endured. Are you still seeing a counselor for yourself? I went through some similar circumstances a couple of years ago, and I'll admit, I still go to my counselor every now and then in order to keep my emotions in check. Maybe your husband will even go with you while you're separated. This might give you some insight to how dedicated he is about working things out. As for forgiveness, I'm going to be completely blunt with you. Forgiveness can sometimes seem like an impossible thing when you've been hurt so deeply. I was not quick to forgive in my own life. But now that I can honestly say that I have forgiven 100%, I realize how freeing it is for ME! I'm not stuck with bitterness in my heart toward him, and I'm not angry anymore. True forgiveness will keep unresolved bitterness from destroying you. Hang in there. I'll be praying for you.