Need to vent and looking for support

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2014
Need to vent and looking for support
4
Mon, 04-28-2014 - 1:08am

This is my first post- never thought I would be sharing this in a public forum but I really need vent and build a support network with people who may understand.

My husband of 7 years (together for 13) cheated on me a year ago exactly.  I did not find out until the end of June, 2013.  We went on a two week family vacation (first vacation in 7 years) with our parents and a few friends for my teenage daughter.  My husband called his mistress on our first day there- not realizing that my mother was just around the corner of the deck and heard EVERY word of his conversation where he was telling his whore that he wished it was her that was there with him, how he cannot quit thinking about her, how everytime he see's a pregnant woman he thinks of her and can't wait for the day they have children together.  My mother confronted him,  he did not deny the affair.  He then climbed in bed with me like nothing was wrong and went to sleep. My mother told me the next morning.

Fast forward- he has never denied having a sexual affair, told me there was no child- that it was wishful thinking- they were playing a game, what would their baby look like.  He did call her the next day and allegedly broke it off with her (not in front of me though- I do not know if he actually did this).  Told me some minor details.  He begged forgiveness and asked for another chance.  After I cooled down a few weeks, I agreed to give him another chance with conditions- individual counseling, marital counseling, weaning himself off all medications for depression and anxiety per his psychiatrist recommendations.  He had to get STD testing, and work toward regaining my trust by openly sharing the details of the affair, being profusely open and predictable, and agreeing to allow me access to his online passwords, not that I would use them, but just to be completely open. AND he could NEVER have contact with her in any way shape or form again.  He agreed.

We are 9 months later and he moved out a week ago.  He quit going to individual counseling months ago.  He did go to marital counseling but did not actively participate or follow through on the recommendations of the counsoler or my requests (like to plan a date night weekly-one out of the house/one could be in the house), he did go off his meds but actually developed colitis as part of his withdrawal symptoms. (He went off of them himself without weaning off or following the advise of his Dr) so had to go back on them- the mania and the "Numbness" he gets as an effect are back full force.  We have reverted to being roommates- no romance, affection, intimacy.  No hugs, kisses, touches- nothing.  There has been no sexual contact since last July.  He has been becoming more impulsive, less open, not predictable at all.  He has resisted and refused all requests to share the details of his affair (including attempts by the counseler, stressing the importance to healing).  He finally told me 2 weeks ago he was not happy, he "Loved me but was not IN love with me", that we just grew apart and he wanted to seperate.  I told him I did not want to seperate, but in light of his feelings, agreed- though I told him, if he followed through and upheaved our family again, I would be filing for divorce.

It has been one week since he packed up and left.  He finally told me the details of the affair after telling me he was leaving- I had threatened him with a nasty divorce (childish of me, I know) if he did not tell me the details and the OW's name...  I am beyond furious with him- he had an affair with a girl barely older than my oldest daughter who was assigned to him for an observation experience as part of her college classes.  She was there for a TOTAL of 6 days over a 3 week period.  In that time, he "fell in love" with her- took her to a local BUSY parking lot close to his work, and had sex.  They carried a phone/texting relationship after the physical experience ended.   He told me it was beccause she liked the showtime mini-series "Spartacus" and I didn't.  He was lonely.....  I had told him to leave (I did, I told him to shape up or ship out because in Feb of 2013 ALONE, he spent over $800 in a month on losing lottery tickets) ...... Intrestingly enough- he told me completely different details last june (that the girl was a teachers aid/ not a student teacher as he is telling me now)  then I learn from his mother that it is a completely different person all together.  I just have no idea what ot believe- and honestly, have stopped caring beyond the fact that he is STILL LYING!!!

I tried to get over this- I feel the anger coming at odd times, triggered by random things.  I am beyond hurt- I feel betrayed.  Our marriage was heading in a downward spiral before the affair- instead of coming and talking to me- he followed through with an affair.  I was just as unhappy, just as lonely, just as isolated, seeking love and affection, just as much as him.  The only difference, I was looking toward him to give it-  (and getting angry and resentful that he was not obliging)I cannot help but feel that our marriage was over before we even had a chance to fix it.

I just cannot get past his affair.  I cannot get past the betrayal.  The lack of respect, the lack of faithfullness, the fact that he was playing "lets talk about our pretend babies" with her when I wanted more than anything to have another child- only to have him EMPHATICALLY refuse to have more with me.  The lack of sex and intimacy.  The lack of romance and feeling like I'm special to someone.  He has placed his affair's privacy above all else, even at the expense of our marriage.  the LYING!  I cannot see a way out of this.

So when he left last week- I was sad, but decided that I cannot allow him to continue to have hold over me.  I vowed I will not allow him to hurt me anymore and upset all of our lives anymore.  I made him pack everything of his- (he is living with his enabling mother and father) he thought he would just take some underwaer and a a change of clothes, leaving everthing else here.  That was Eye Opener #1 for him.

Since leaving- he has done a complete 180- he has gone from cold and stoic- to overemotional, crying, begging for me to allow him to come home, telling me how much he loves us and misses us.  How we are his whole world....How he regrets everything and wants me to give him another chance. He is so sorry- he has to live with this all his life. (I corrected him that actualy we ALL have to live with his poor decisions)

My opinion- I gave him another chance last June/July after the affair was discovered.  He made minimal effort after the initial intense fear of losing us died down.  There was still no meaningful relationship, no intimacy, no sex. No happiness.  He is not a equal partner in our marriage.  He is like another child.  He does pay the bills but does nothing else to help in the home or with the children or our families.  He will go no-where.  He wants to do nothing.  His family enables him "Oh, it's not that bad, she will get over it"  My family HATES him.  It's extremely akward.

I think this is the point where I seriously have to say- enough.  I think this is that moment where divorce is the best option, though it would be easier to stay.

I just cannot see the good anymore.  There is so many layers of pain, anger, regret, hurt, disappointment, embarrassment, disbelief, and sorrow.  I have no faith that if I took him back again (as he wants me to) that (based on history) anything would change.  He has been emailing, texting, skyping, calling- etc many times a day.  Other than to give him access to our child- I have been not engaging with him.  I have not been angry or sad- just matter of fact and to the point.  No small talk, no chit chat.  No talking about personal things- like how my day was ,etc..  I feel like I have done all I could to make our marriage work- I decided to quit banging my head trying to believe he would be who I wanted him to be- instead of who he is.  

I think it's time....


sorry this is so long.  It is also probably full of spelling errors and grammer issues- I am literally just trying to purge my jumbled mind.  Make sense of something senseless.  While I'm still angry and hurt- I'm actually grateful to be on my own again.  I am sooooomuch less angry.  Hopeful for a change.

But....how do you let go of the anger and forgive?



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 04-28-2014 - 1:53am

My dear, I have been there, done that, and reclaimed my life!  I had pretty much the same situation, minus the medications (he had the emotional problems,but wouldn't admit to them).  It was a young girl, not a college student, but someone in the office.  For one thing, you have to understand that a lot of young women think it's cute to seduce an older man, and men being men, are flattered and fall for it.  I lived with it for almost my whole 20 year marriage.  The first one was for 5-6 years, and there were one night stands, and a few other short lived affairs.  Every time, I'd find out, he'd beg forgiveness, promise the moon.......and before long he'd be at it again.  After 18 years, I'd had it, he "staged" an arguement (one sided because I didn't care anymore) so that he could walk out and have a few uninterrupted days with the current g/f.  This time he was gone a week!  I had 3 kids, no money (he made good money, he paid the bills, gave me money for food, and the rest went to women and bars) and I called a lawyer.  When he came back, I had all his clothes in garbage bags waiting for him.  He was shocked, but he laughed and said "great"......and I went out and got a job the next day after not working for 18 years (he wouldn't LET me because I might talk to a man!).  The divorce dragged on, the lawyer was waiting for the 20 year mark for Social Security (it's only 10 years now).  He came in the evening before we were due in court, and pulled the tears, the begging, he loved me, he loved the kids, "PLEASE don't do it.  PLEASE, I might have to do something drastic!"  I told him to do what he had to do.......and he then said, "well I guess I'll get married then" and he did, a month later.  She divorced him several years later, too.  What I'm saying to you is that my ex started the same way, and it never stopped, even though I got promises, tears, begging.......I ended up having NO feelings for him at all......I was just biding my time till my sons were old enough for me to go to work and they could be at home after school alone.  Once they start, they don't stop.  He'll do it to you again, if not with this one, another one.  As for the anger and forgiveness........you have to forgive him, because forgiveness is for YOU not for him!  Anger is a waste of energy.  It's not hurting him, it's hurting you!  He is what he is, and it's doubtful he will change......he doesn't want help.  The day I walked out of court I was a happy woman!  His problems were no longer my problems.  He was a lousy husband and a lousy father, and my only regret was that I hadn't done it sooner.  You picked the wrong man to marry......no fault of yours.  Now it's time to end the nonsense and start living your life without anger and unhappiness.  Good Luck to you.  Life will get better!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Mon, 04-28-2014 - 5:11pm

I'm so sorry for the hurt this 'man', for lack of a better word, has caused you and your family.  But kudos to you for saying enough is enough. He obviously isn't going to change. He made no effort, tells one lie after another and has some serious emotional problems.

I was married 20 yrs. My ex had an A while working out of town. I found out, he denied it ~"was only just friends", his family also enabled him. He blamed me for his bad decisions because, and I quote, "You didn't help me cut firewood for the furnace.'' Yes, he really said that. I laughed in his face. Its irrevelent but I did help him, with 2 young daughters in tow, one who is severely disabled. My point is, be ready for he and his family to start justifying his A by blaming you; and they will use any idiotic excuse in the book. Shrug it off. Ppl who know you will know the truth.

I gave him a month to get himself together, come clean with everything (which meant convincing me beyond a shadow of a doubt that he did not have a physical affair as he claimed it was only 'just friends') or I would be filing for divorce.  He didn't/couldn't and I filed on the day I said I would be doing this.  Then I got the call "I can't believe you're doing this! Do you think this is fair?''

I'm glad you're hopeful because it will all get better. How to let go of the anger and forgive is something I can't advise you on as my ex still does hateful, immature stuff that makes me wanna blow his head off. ( I'm a Christian and obviously not always a very good one but even Jesus got angry and threw the money changers out of the temple.)He has nothing to do with our DD who is disabled and he and his family actually tried to have her institutionalized and taken away from me and her sister during the divorce trial so that he wouldn't have to pay child support or alimony. How any father, grandmother, aunt and uncle who never had anything to do with a child could do that is beyond me. I was/am her caregiver 100% of the time, 24/7 365. They never helped and only saw her maybe 1 or 2 times a year. And haven't seen her since the divorce 4 years ago.

In time I'm learned that people who can hurt you without a thought aren't worth the time. You reap what you sow in this life. You gave him 7 years. Don't give the sob one minute more. You seem to be in a good place now. so cut yourself some slack. You have every right to be angry and forgiveness doesn't happen over night. Just don't let it consume you. Keep busy and be happy that this loser is one his way out of your life!

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 04-29-2014 - 2:33am

There is no profit in negative emotions.  Move on with your life and that is it. 

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002
Wed, 04-30-2014 - 11:10pm

It sounds like you have made up your mind and clearly want to move on from this man.  He showed little committment to your marriage, you waited. he left and now its over.  Let the lawyers figure it out and you should continue to ignore his attempts to contact you.  As far as getting over the hurt and anger, you will in time.  Many divorces, whether resulting from  infidelity or not, are filled with contentousness and ill-will.  Hopefully you will find peace in your heart in the future.

I am curious about one thing though.  Why would you insist on him going off of his meds for anxiety and depression?  I too am on these types of medications, and if my husband said to me that our marriage is contingent on me going off my medications, I would probably choose my medications over my marriage.  Anxiety and depression are very real and proven medical conditions that require treatment.  They are caused by a disturbance in brain chemistry.  And much like other diseases like diabetes or heart disease, often require medical management for an indefinant period of time.  Surely you would not deny him his medications for diabetes, infection, or other medical ailments.  

So I am suggesting that him going off his meds, especially so quickly in a possible attempt to appease you, may have led to his erractic and difficult behavior.  And any therapist that would condone this contingency would be out of their mind.  I am not trying to inflame you in any way, but it is certainly an important consideration that I wanted to bring to your attention.