Need to vent and need advice...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2012
Need to vent and need advice...
72
Tue, 02-07-2012 - 11:45am

My husband and I have been together for 19 years.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Wed, 02-08-2012 - 3:54pm

Myra, I am glad you continue to post!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Wed, 02-08-2012 - 4:44pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Wed, 02-08-2012 - 10:14pm
Dear hurt! Hello to you. Your last paragraph struck me the very most. You do not want to lose your husband. I found that fascinating because I wanted my husband gone. I felt he had already been gone every minute he spent with or thinking about AP. I felt he was selfish and irresponsible. I thought his priorities were completely disarranged. I felt that the minute I became a parent, I got a wake up call and I felt an enormous sense of responsibility because I was responsible for a vulnerable innocent little person. I wish my husband would of felt that too so we could have shared that load. Our children are greatest blessing. What your statement tells me is that your heart is still engaged and you see his value despite this enormous betrayel and the aftermath of an affair.

My husbands dday was mid May. As you can guess, I was not very keen on reconciliation those first weeks. Due to circumstances, and a very big pep talk from dad, I saw a glimpse of hope and I clung to that for dear life. But my guiding light had two options: 1. I will be divorced or 2. I will be married.

But either option showed me that I would make it thru thus tragedy.

All of a sudden my life was completely off balance and I no longer felt self assured or confident in anything. Mostly I felt very off balanced about myself and who I had become as a wife, mother, woman. The affair allowed me to take a very hard look at myself and my marriage. I didn't like what I saw. I didn't like how I had changed over the years. I didn't like what I allowed by my inaction. I went into the marriage happy, healthy and whole. By the affair I was very sad, resigned to it, and a shell of the vibrant person I once was.

I guess what I am trying to tell you is that this is an opportunity for all of us BS out there to focus on ourselves. To find that person who would never settle for the life that they were living. To realize that we all deserve happiness and respect and honesty. That we still possess the inner strength we possessed before the marriage.

I gave my husband a long list of what I expected in the marriage. I hand wrote this list. I did this more for me I think. I carry it in my purse. I have things on there like 1. I will not be lied to. 2. I will not use my kids as an excuse to stay. 3. I will never be told I am defective in anyway. 4. I will not be name called, etc. things that were important to me, things that needed to change in my life. I react his list when I need a little boost. It took me many weeks before I wrote this list.

An affair's discovery brings with it a kaleidoscope of emotions. IMO, it's best to just roll with whatever you feel at the time. I think it is damaging cot stuff the anger in fear of loss, or the moments of rage when our psychotic tendencies come to the for. Your husband has hurt you to your core. You are now dealing with a set of circumstances you had no choice in. You are entitled to feel anyway you want to feel whenever. My anger was my fuel to accomplish things. My despair were quiet reflective times, yet not decision making times.

It took my husband a few months for the fog to lift. It took countless hours of laughing, crying and yelling. We would have good talks, followed by him trying to manipulate the way he always had. But I knew that I had choices, I held to my guns this time. I said no more.

I remember my H telling me how nice and kind AP was. How she would NEVER hurt anyone on purpose. I remember telling him how angry I was with her, he said, leave her out of it, this is my fault not hers. Now, do those statements seem like rationale thinking to you? These are foggy thinking examples. It's complete crap.

I agree with your husband that he may never feel that spark with you again, but only because it is often only felt in the beginning of a relationship. I think, in it's place comes a more permanent love, the soil that gets roots established for a mature relationship. I hope that one day your husband sees the light. I hope that he realizes that his greatest assets are in his home, not fantasy land with someone else where it takes lies and deception to feed that relationship.

Don't wait for him to make up his mind. He does not deserve it at this point. You now need to focus on you and the kids. You need to plan for a life without him. Because only he can decide what his first choice is. There is nothing you could of done differently to prevent an affair. He had man other options open to him, yet he chose a very painful route that impacts innocent people. He needs to know that you can survive without him. That you aren't waiting for him.. Either he is in 110% or he is out. And if he is in, he has to take the initiative to try and rebuild/reconcile. He has the greater burden as he is no longer trustworthy.

Some things I asked for immediately: NC letter. He wrote, I read and I mailed myself. He had to change his cell phone number. He had to get checked for STDs. I saw a lawyer. I withdrew money out of our savings account. I got a credit card. (haven't used one in 7 years). I opened my own bank account at a different bank. I also directed funds into the savings account bi monthly. I should of had these things all along.

All these things gave me security when I so desperately needed it.

Within you is the strength and determination to conquer your fears and to integrate this bad chapter into your life. It is not something that we forget. It becomes a part of us, it changes us. Only you can decide what you will choose to do with it. Grieve your losses. Cry and yell as much as you need to. This is your life and in time you will find your way. There is no set schedule. You are still the beautiful woman he married. But if you don't believe that somehow and in someway, no one else will. You are worthy. Please take the best of care.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2012
Thu, 02-09-2012 - 4:25pm

I am having such a hard time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Thu, 02-09-2012 - 10:53pm

I hate to say it, but after reading your last post here I think you only have one alternative - an ultimatum.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Fri, 02-10-2012 - 12:28pm
Dear hurt- I feel your pain. I remember it, all of us who have been there do. I want to tell you that you cannot take the lead in trying to rebuild your marriage. He has to be the one to initiate ALL of it. If he doesn't his heart isn't in it, it's not with you or the kids. I am sorry to be so blunt when your feelings are raw and bleeding. You are better than what you are getting from him. You deserve more than what he is giving you. He is right that you can't force things. You should be the one telling him he can't force things. Right now you are the only one that sees clearly. You know the value in your family and in him. He does not. He is blinded by his addiction right now. As with any addict, most don't recover until they hit the bottom. That's why it is important for you to focus on yourself and what YOU are going to do. How are YOU going to protect yourself and your children?

I am not saying give up or run out and get a divorce, this process is slow and grueling even on the best of the worst circumstances.

If you saw your scenario playing out with a sister or a friend or your daughter, what would you think about it? Don't ever believe that you have to settle or that you are unworthy. This is his deal. These is his fallout for his choices and actions. He will regret this. One day. But it may not be for a long time.

Your old life is dead now my friend. And it is completely okay to grieve its loss. We all had to go thru it. It is a very depressing dark time. I lost 15# the first month. I felt kicked down and at one point I thought, what the hell am I doing? Why am I just laying here? What did I do, how am I so bad that I am the one suffering? What happened to me? I was at a crossroad, either keep laying down and taking it or stand up and say no more. I chose the latter and my penname was born.

When you give that ultimatem you have to mean it. You have to have your plan already complete.

You are stronger than you realize. Focus on yourself. Your kids. Drink your water. Breathe deep. Rest when you can. Start moving forward as soon as you can. Big hug to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2012
Fri, 02-10-2012 - 6:39pm
Hi Hurtinmr! I have to start by saying that my husband of 12 yrs cheated repetitivly on me with 5 women. The last one I caught him with was in my house and wearing my sweater in my bedroom. I knew there was something going on with him because he was distant and he was pulling away more and more. We did have sex about 1 or 2ce in a week and he was never seeming to be there with me, in my mind he was daydreaming or thinking about other things. I knew something was off and started to check his facebook and his emails and his phone messages and texts. This just fueled my anger and disappointment and trust issues. The reason I say this is because...your husband and you haven't had a relationship for a long time (your words) and your are doing your own things. You are checking and spying on him as you know down deep that he was gonna leave. I am sorry that this has happened to you but to use your kids to stay and try to work on your relationship, is a guilt trip. I tried this...let me tell you, he has been with her for the last 10 years and bought a house and is very happy. I didn't want this end on his terms or the way it did but yours is similar to mine...errily!! If you are thinking about her and never able to get her out of your mind, how are you gonna keep doing this for the next 19 years. You need to value yourself more than he does. As you said, he is still calling this lady and texting and emailing. He doesn't want to cut her off and doesn't want to hurt you and keep hurting you as this impacts the kids as well. You need to let him go and value yourself and those kids more!! You need to show your kids that this is not a healthy relationship and that when they are in a relationship of their own, that this is not acceptable! You need to pull up your big girl panties and hold your head high! You need to tell him that you deserve more and better that this! You need to know that you can live without him and you will be okay!! You want him to want to be with you not need to!! I would rather have a man want me than need me!! I am happy now and was the best thing ever, to leave him and to start again. You will be able to see your kids happy and healthy and have a man who wants to be there with you because you are the one he is thinking of all the time and not worry that he is thinking of her or still in contact. It will haunt you!! Don't be upset with me for writing this....been there and still have my demons to deal with!! Your last statement was "I don't want to lose my husband" ...unfortunetely, you already have! You said you both weren't happy and then you were doing your own things. You deserve better than this non existant life with no emotion. I say ask others for thier opinions...be open! It will hurt to get the responses but you need to hear the truth and their opinions. I am entitled to mine and I am trying to help. Sending strength to you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2012
Sat, 02-11-2012 - 12:59am

I am getting stronger with each passing day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2012
Sat, 02-11-2012 - 7:12am
Hi hurtinmr

Well just a little insite on my situtation. I was married for 10 years we have 3 kids 7, 4 and 2 my husband and I were the typical (well at least I thought we were) married couple we did family things together we had a date night once or twice a month and our sex life was good.. I started to notice a few changes in my husband behaviour a few months ago but I really didn't pay it much mind cause I knew that there was some things going on at his work that were kind of stressing him out. Later in the month to follow I noticed he was becoming a litte more distant from me and so I went to him and asked him if he was alright and if there was something he wanted to talk to me about he assured me that everything was alright so I let it go. By the following week I got the RED FLAG he was in taking a shower and his cell phone rang so I answered it as I usually did and to my surprise it was a woman asking to speak with my husband when I asked if I could take a message the woman hung up on me so when my husband got outta the shower I told him that some woman had called and that when I ask to take a message she hung up on me apon me telling him this he got very upset with me and told me to never answer his phone again, I should tell you now that before I told my husband about the call I wrote the number down that the woman was calling from, A few days passed and I decided to call this woman back because it was bothering me that my husband had gotten so mad at me for answering his phone and I am the type of person that if I get that terrible knot in my stomach I always go with whatever my instinct tellls me too, So to make a long story short she told me that they had been seeing one another for the last 4 months and that they were in love and that it wasn't something that they had planned to have happen it just did well after the intial shock wore off I was extremely hurt and upset at the betrail I couldn't believe what she was telling me. So later that night when my husband got home I told him that we needed to talk after the kids were in bed. So we sat down and I told him what I had done and that I talked to the OW and at first he had the nerve to be mad at me like I had done something wrong.. I told him that I wasn't mad but I was hurt at what he had done to us to our family. We sat up all night talking and by the time we were finished talking we had both decided that it was best for him to leave, I hate to say this but he is still with the OW and although it kills me to say this he does seem to be happier but that being said I am too... and I'm really not that upset anymore I am feeling a wierd kind of relief from all of this I don't regret anything that has happened now and even if he decides later down the road that he thinks he made a mistake I would not now or ever let him back into my life I believe that once that trust is broken there is no getting it back this is my opion and that is what this site is all about so I hope that this doesn't offend anybody cause that is not my intention...I have a question for you tho hurtinmr have you now or ever spoken to the OW?? Cause in my case I did and at least for me in a way it is what gave me the strength to let him go and now I know that I am and will be a happier person for the decision that i made. Hope this helps a litte take care and remember you are now and always will be a strong woman that can and will be able to take care of yourself
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2012
Sat, 02-11-2012 - 7:38am
One last note here I only asked if you had or have talked to the OW because ( at least in my case) it gave me some insite and the situation and it wasn't a completely horrible conversation I had with the OW I think maybe if things were different her and I could have been friends, I know that some people on here will not agree with what i did and no its not something that everybody can do all I'm saying is that it might help you get some of the answers that you need to make a better decision on what you should do from here..Here are just a few of the questions I had to ask myself to help me make an informed decision... Can you or do you think you can ever trust him again? Can I live with the thought of him and her together?? Will we ever be the way we were before the affair? Well again I wish you luck hurtinmr and remember you are the only one that can make YOU HAPPY and I am proof that there is life after an affair :)

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