never broke up with ex-girlfriend...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2009
never broke up with ex-girlfriend...
12
Thu, 01-29-2009 - 5:51pm

Hi everyone, I would like to share my story and get some advice, a bit long but I will summarize.
2 years ago I met the man that today is my husband, a common friend called him (he used to live in another state very far) and he took a plane just to meet me. He was 51 (he doesn't look at all like 51) and I was 29, we both wanted a family and inmediately decided to have a baby. Well, we started the long distance relationship (like every starting of a relationship) everything was perfect, love letters, poems, a lot of flight tickets, he used to come a lot and I used to go to visit him a lot too because we lived in different states, 3 hr flight away. Well, he told me that he had a girlfriend that lived with him for 9 years, and for the last couple of years he did not touch her, they lived like roommates, she did not want to marry him or to have kids, but they were very good friends, she moved away from his house to another city, he helped move her, they keep the friendship but they never had a clear cut of the relationship. Six months after she moved out of the house I met him and we started our relationship. He told me about this woman, and he told me that they were very good friends, and that he has to keep the friendship with her because his house is in her name due to some financial difficulties he had in the past. Well, I trusted him and did not make a big deal out of it. In the meantime our relationship was very good, we were so much in love, we visit each other a lot, and I spent holidays and Christmas with him in his house therefore I was absolutely sure that there was nothing between them, just friendship as he told me. In the meantime I got pregnant, things started to get complicated with the house, he thought he was going to be able to sell it and get out of the situation but is a very BIG house and the market hasn't been really good lately, and I was away, in another state, pregnant, working, living alone but still he visited me frequently, we got married before having the baby. After I had my baby I found out an email she sent to him recently were she is giving him the phone of the tenants (because they could not sell the house, they rented)and she is calling him "daddy" and at the end of the email she send "kisses and licks" from "mommy". I freaked out, my husband said that the "kisses and licks" is because the dog they had and the dog is with her. He said he cannot tell her that he is married and have a baby because he could lose the house. I send her an email (just to test) saying that we were dating and that I wanted to know if they have a relationship so I could get out. She freaked out and started to call every one of my husband family, they have to lie to her too, they told her that he is alone and that there is nothing to worry about. well, my husband swore in our baby's head that they have nothing and that they just friends but he cannot tell her about us yet because he could lose the house. Well, finally three weeks ago she found out on a website that I did with pictures of us as a family, pictures of the baby and pictures of the three of us, she freaked out big time and started to call everyone in my husband's family, my husband blamed me saying that I did so much damage by doing that website, and that now he is financially ruined, he told me he was just buying time until the house is sold, then he was going to tell her. Then I saw an email that she sent to him two days ago, and she said that with this he ended what they had for nine years, and she said that she always were loyal to him and stood by him every time he needed it, etc etc etc, and that they have to cut any kind of relationship they have, financially and otherwise. My husband did not talked to me for a couple of days, and now he said that he regret what he did to her, and he said that I should have trust him more that he loves me and not done that website. He said that he never found the right moment to tell her the truth about our marriage and the baby. I feel so bad, even though they had a friendship I don't know what to think. He said he did not want to hurt her because she is very lonely and they were very good friends. But I was not going to be able to go on knowing that my husband is very good friend with his ex.
I don't know what to think, my husband lives in another state, we are far away, but we see almost every weekend, he flights on Thursdays and leave on Mondays, he is academia that's why the schedule allows him to do that.
I don't know what to believe, even though she knows the truth now, I feel betrayed, sometimes I think I should get out of this marriage, sometimes I feel angry, sad, anxious, mad...I don't know what to do now. I don't know if I should work out this situation...we have a beautiful 6 months old baby, and he really really loves him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Thu, 01-29-2009 - 8:12pm

Oh, the webs we weave when we seek to deceive........


I'm so sorry you are going through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2009
Thu, 01-29-2009 - 8:39pm

Thank you very much for your advice, I feel better knowing that someone understand what I am going through at the moment. To answer your question, I did not move with him because I have a very good job and he just graduated when I met him with his PhD and was looking for a job, so it was not going to be so wise if I quit my job and both of us unemployed, he got a job in another state when I delivered my baby, he HAD to take that job because he was in a very bad financial shape. His job in academia is not very stable yet, and given that I have a very good job as an engineer I cannot just quit and move with him, I have a baby to feed.
When he was unemployed he refused to live with me because he said that the financial tension was going to hurt the relationship, he just visited frequently.

I don't know where we are going with this marriage, but Tuesday I am going to see a therapist and see how can we solve this mess.
Thank you very much for you advice...;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Thu, 01-29-2009 - 9:53pm

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2007
Thu, 01-29-2009 - 10:45pm

I think you should think very, very carefully about this and prepare a plan b for you and your son.


What do you know about this man, outside of what he's told you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Fri, 01-30-2009 - 9:16pm

something tells me when you entered this situation you were entering into a monogamous relationship. it was not me, you, and she.

what kind of man sinks to this level? the very fact that he strung her along should tell you something, the fact that he told you he was using her says more about him than you are willing to admit.

you deserve a far better man than this. i know you do not want o hear this right now, by i am old enough to be your mom and will say this with much love and respect IF THEY WILL DO IT FOR YOU THEY WILL DO IT TO YOU.

i think if you think about this you will know the words i speak are true, you fell in love with someone else, not the real him. often times we do. as dr. phil says 'when someone shows you who they are by their actions BELIEVE THEM.

i wish you only the best.

life is too short - we only go around one time, there are no do overs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Sat, 02-07-2009 - 7:11pm
There's so much about this situation that is just goofy. Starting with him. Why is a 51 year old man that wants a family not already have one? Just curious. Why would a 29 year old woman want to marry and have kids with a guy 22 years older than her that doesn't even live in the same state? Sincerely...I really don't understand. But, regardless, it sounds to me like this guy has been b.s.'ing you all along. My guess is that he's been with her AND you since the day you met. If they were not together anymore, and were truly good friends, he would not have been so secretive with her about you. I don't buy the whole house thing. Not one bit. If it were me, I'd divorce this guy. You can't trust him. He's a liar. It doesn't mean that he can't still love and be a father to his child. Just not a husband to you. Doesn't sound like he's been much of one. I'm sorry you're going through this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2008
Sun, 02-08-2009 - 4:49pm
I'm so sorry honey. This sounds like very bad news. I can't believe or understand that they were supposedly good friends and yet he didn't tell her that he was MARRIED with a CHILD?!?!!!! Also the fact that he is wit hyou only 4 days a week speaks volumes to the fact that he was probably carrying on a double life with both you and her and that she probably think sof herself as the wife and thinks of YOU as the other woman. It sounds like he betrayed both of you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2009
Mon, 02-09-2009 - 10:14am
I have to say there is so much about this situation that just sounds...off.

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2009
Mon, 02-09-2009 - 3:02pm
I already did a Background investigation when I met him. Everything sounded legal, no police problems, no lawyers problems, and I confirmed by papers that the house was in HER name, so I believed him what he told me about the house.
Also to answer some of the questions why a 51 yr old doesn't have a family before, well, he always said that he did not wanted before and then he met this lady, stayed together for 9 years and she NEVER wanted kids or marriage.
that's how a 51 yr old did not have a family before.
I remind him what he did every day, he keep saying that until when I am going to push this "knife" on him. We haven't been well since then, (like a month ago) I wonder if I will get over this one day, sometimes I think I will hurt both ways: either if I get out of this marriage or if I stay.
This weekend I spent the weekend alone (I'm from another country, my family is very far away) with my baby inside my apartment trying not to think about it, every time I looked at my baby's face I wanted to cry, is a deep sad feeling, I am not looking forward for anything, before I used to be very enthusiastic about our future , but now I am not looking forward to it.
I don't know how to explain this sadness. He keeps saying that I am very negative and that I am imagining things, also he keep repeating that he just wanted to save the house because he doesn't have any money.
I am going to visit him with the baby this weekend, but I'm not sure if I'm looking forward to it...
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2008
Mon, 02-09-2009 - 5:52pm
It sounds like youre in a very unhappy place. Have you thought about getting the full truth and talking to her yet? And also, tell your H to quit insulting you by telling you youre negative etc etc. I find that he is being very rude to you and is trying to tell you that the way you feel is wrong, when in reality, you have every right to feel the way you do and any normal woman would feel the same way. You need to tell him this. Don't let him try to "shame" you for feeling hurt and betrayed. You have a sense that something is wrong, and something might be wrong. You need to tell him to stop talking to you like this and that he needs to respect your feelings.

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