Never thought I would be here...

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Never thought I would be here...
4
Fri, 08-10-2012 - 12:17am

Hello ladies,

I have been reading posts all evening and wondering if I would have the inner strength to post mine.

Maybe if I share it, I will not feel so alone. I had a horrible first marriage. He was very emotionally abusive

for 16 years. Divorced him and swore to never marry again.  Met my now husband 4 years later. He was truly

my knight in shining armor. Swept me off my feet. He was loving, kind and protective. I moved 3 hours away from my

home town and family to be with him. Brought my daughter along and helped him finish raising his 3 children. ( he was

a widower). The first year we were together I traveled back and forth. I would leave on Fri. and come back home Mon. he is

a farmer and could not leave the animals..wich I was very understanding of. He is and always has been the jealous type with me.  Insecure would be the word. He always seemed to think I would run away with an old boyfriend or something.  There was a married woman who rented from his dad ( his father owns a farm my husband also works on every other day). From the day my husband brought me around this woman gave me weird vibes...almost like she was jealous of me. my husband would say that was crazy talk and he would never have anything to do with her ( she was so gross!) Four years into our marriage I found out that he had been "messing" with her the whole time we dated, were engaged and after we married ( she was at our wedding). They never had intercourse..but did just about everything else. He begged my forgiveness. Cried. Allowed me to throw this woman off the property. I confronted the woman and even slapped her in the face. Within weeks of this happening I found out my dad was dying and I was going back and forth between states. I was trying  to forgive him and deal with my dads eventual death. I dont think I fully dealt with it at that point. Fast forward two years and my mom is dying. My mother was my best friend. I stayed at the hospital with her for two months. I went to use his cell phone one day and he freaked out. Found out that while I was with my dying mother he has started talking to some woman and had even made a "date" to meet her...wich he said he didnt keep. I dont think I believe that While my mom was dying we found out that my step-dad of 35 years had brain cancer. I lost them both within ten days of each other. So, in three years time I lost all of my parents. Found out my husband had monkeyed around with two different women. I was a basket case.  BUT..apparently he saved the best for last. I didnt want to come home after my mom died. I was so confused and hurt. We never said we were divorcing. Never even said the word separation. We were letting me deal with what had happened. Although we were three hours apart for 3 months we talked every morning, every night and during noon hour. He was supposed to be in therapy for his issues and I was in therapy for mine ( not to mention grief couensling). He would come there to see me and slowly we started being sexual again. I thought everything was finally getting back to "us" again. he came to see me and that night I planned to tell him I was coming home. Not long after he got there his phone rang and he talked briefly and I could hear a womans voice. I asked him who it was and he said a woman that had moved in with the new family at his dads rental and she was helping take care of his dad. Told me his DAD had asked her to call and make sure he made the trip safely. RED FLAG. His dad never worried before. In the next week I found out that three weeks after I left he started an affair again with a woman who was in his dads rental. First he said they only held hands. Then they only kissed. Then they only had sex twice in an old abndoned trailer on an old mattress ( she was the sister of the people actually renting the house at his fathers). I felt that if I didnt come home I would lose him forever. Once I got home I found out that he had brought her into our home and into our bed. She had pretty much been living in my house...in my bed..in my shower..ect. Cooking in my kitchen. I found out that he would have unprotected sex with her and then come to me and have sex with me. So for a whole month after I got home I would find out more and more. He did allow me to throw her off the property also..but for that month he would sneak and see her in town.It was madness. He would sneak to see her...I would try to pack to leave and he would threaten suicide. At one point I did leave and he did attempt suicide. He wound up in critical care and almost died. I sat at that hospital for a week. Three days after he got out I caught him again sneaking off to meet her. I left that time and said...if you can stay away from her for two weeks and get it together I will come back and we go to therapy. For two weeks we talked nightly and he said he just wanted me home. The day before I left he got a new cell phone and had changed his number so she didnt have it. He stayed away or so he said and I came home two weeks later. I was home maybe ten minutes and he got a message on his phone. I took the phone and watched her picture pop up. His last phone had not been able to get pictures so I knew instantly that not only had she been given his new number...she must have seen the phone and knew he could recieve pics. She knew I was due home. While the other two women had crawled back into the hole they came out of this woman was insane!! through this whole ordeal she knew about me...knew we talked daily, knew we were in marriage therapy..but still acted as though my husband, home and life belonged to her! That night on the phone She told me the whole two weeks I was gone that she has "been crawling through my bedroom window to sleep with my husband". Apparently my husband didnt want my stepson to see her coming in as he was sick of his dad hurting me. I tried again to leave that night. He literally held me down and wouldnt let me. Threatened to kill himself again. Called her in front of me and told her it was over, that he didnt want anything to do with her. He loved me and he had hurt me for the last time and ect...By then I was too tired to leave. Tired of everything!!! I seriously thought of killing myself that night. But I wouldnt let THEM do that to my children. I didnt leave but, for the next three months I didnt care. He could have went to her if he wanted..I just didnt care. I couldnt feel anything anymore. But he didnt. He went to therapy even when I didnt. He did everything and anything he could to reassure me. Leaving his phone out. Never talking to anyone unless it was in front of me. Always home and when not, checking in with me constantly. Remodeled the house to change it from when she was here. Changed bedrooms and bought an new bedroom set. He has let me scream at him. Hit him. When I have cried he has cried. Every other day he says he is sorry. This month it is one year since it all happened. I know he has been faithful this whole time. He makes a point of spending quality time with me. I still walk around like the walking wounded. I cry weekly. I love my husband...is that crazy?? I have seen the very worst of him..but also the very best of him in the last 8 years. He told me that he has a sex addiction and that is what he has been working on it in therapy. I am now at a crossroad in life and ask myself everyday if I want to stay and try to make this work. I have told him I wont make it through another affair and he swears it will never happen again. I am 49..all of these other women have been younger women. I am so insecure that our sex life is in tatters..he says he understands that and doesnt pressure me. He has always told me that no one turns him on like I do..like I am supposed to believe that now?? This last woman tortured me for months telling me things about them together that I cant get out of my mind. Am I crazy to be here? Do we even have a shot at this? I am so confused and hurt. Does it ever get better?? I am so sorry this is so long. This is the first time I have talked about it with other people...other than my husband or therapist. I guess I need support from others more than I knew :smileysad:

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Sun, 08-12-2012 - 9:06pm

 "I am so insecure that our sex life is in tatters..he says he understands that and doesn't pressure me. He has always told me that no one turns him on like I do..like I am supposed to believe that now??"

I totally get this. I'm four years out from my spouses affair and our sex life is really struggling. We did the whole hysterical sex thing when I found out about the other men. Even then I could not get the movies I created in my head of them having sex. I should have never asked about that. Now, all these years later I don't think of them when we are intimate, yet I am worried that as our intimacy slows down that she will long for them rather than me. I wonder if the intimacy problems are natural issues of aging or a direct result of the affairs??

I'm really sorry you went through all this. I hope you two are both growing and not just you. I worry that the lead role I played in our healing hindered my spouses maturation progress.

Keep posting, telling your story is cathartic. It helps us work out our issues as we write them down. I even would write down my concerns and interactions with my spouse before I would go to therapy and give it to the therapist so he would know what I was up to. I think it made those sessions more productive. Either way, keep writing.  

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2012
Fri, 08-10-2012 - 8:40pm

I can not tel you it gets better as I am still waiting to see myself. I guess all I really have to say is hang in there and take time to understand what you really want.

I say your reply to the OW and agree some of us fight for what is our. Hell if I was goignt olet the OW insert herself in my life and have a relationship woth my kids (she was unable to have kids supposedly) the children I labored with and gave birth to. Even my H we had struggled through our ife for 13 years, not just the marraige but job losses and deaths and school and moving and buying homes. He was the man he was beacuse of the life WE had experienced together, hell ifI was goign tolet her havehim, my home (although I have not interest in the home andymore) or the family I had spent the last 13 years building and hurting through.

Best of luck and hope you find the support you are looking for here. Take comfort in most of us are in pain and confused no matter what stage of the A we are in.