New to board, betrayed, and ashamed

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2012
New to board, betrayed, and ashamed
7
Sat, 03-03-2012 - 6:57pm

So I find myself here nearly a year after discovering my husband's infidelity.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2012
Thu, 03-15-2012 - 2:01pm
Found out 10-30-11 that my husband was seeing a married OW...he served me with papers the week of Christmas but NOT before I posted about their affair on topix...it broke them up and I have NEVER been sorry (other than the fact it is part of discovery in my D) In my opinion you do what you have to.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Wed, 03-14-2012 - 4:52pm

Don;t beat yourself up for giving inh to a very human reaction. Of course you wanted to confront her. I never had contact with my ex's 1st OW,

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2001
Sat, 03-10-2012 - 11:27pm

Hello - I went through something similar, except my DD medical issues were limited to a specific period of time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2012
Thu, 03-08-2012 - 2:36pm

Thank you all for your advice and support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 3:02am
You've had a lot on your plate, so has he. But I believe my therapist AND my husband who both have said flat out him cheating had nothing to do with me or my marriage - he just had his own issues inside of him that he had never tried to deal with and that was why he had two EAs. There is nothing for you to feel ashamed or guilty about, BUT I understand that you do, anyway, because I have felt that way much of the time myself. It's so easy to start comparing yourself to the OW, Lord did I ever do that, and to this day I think my therapist is right that I still feel somewhat threatened by his second OW, I knew and he admitted he had been comparing us point by point, and I found that humiliating for some reason. This crap just bring up a million miserable emotions that no one seems able to tell you how to put behind you. Everyone will say he's behaving now and you have to move on, which sounds heavenly! But nobody can tell you how, I think you just have to take it day by day and accept all that has happened and do the best you can each day, and quit beating up on yourself. Let's remember who did what. The OW doesn't care about you or your DH, so of course an apology doesn't mean anything to you - they are totally unconcerned that what they are doing is hurting someone else. It has to be very difficult to deal with so many situations at once and coming here to vent about it all is a healthy thing to do.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Sun, 03-04-2012 - 10:58am

Welcome to the board atbsmom.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2003
Sun, 03-04-2012 - 4:04am
I am almost a year out from D Day myself, and I don't know how you have done it for a year without people to vent to. This board has been a saving grace for me, especially in the weeks and months right after I found out. I do not have a special needs child, so i ca not imagine what that is like for you as a parent. My daughter is 7, and I know that just having a child, wether healthy or not, puts so much stress on a marriage, and is what led to a lot of the issues in mine.

We are trying to rebuild as well, and it is going well for the most part. I think that all of it was a wake up call, wish it had come in a different form, but I'm glad to have the chance to fix the things that were wrong in our marriage that contributed to what happened. That being said, I don't know that I will ever fully trust him again, but enough that I can learn to be happy. And it has been made EXTREMELY clear that the first sign that anything like this is happening again, there will be no discussion, no more counseling, I will be gone. Plain and simple. I hope it never comes to that, but he knows that.

In my case there are 2 OW. I didn't know about the first one (8 years ago while I was pregnant), until he confessed the latest one. He came clean about both. The day it all came out, I called the OW that he had been having a year long affair with and left her a VM. It was short, and to the point. Then when I got home I sent a message through FB, threatening to take all of it to their boss (they would be in serious legal trouble) if she talked to, emailed, texted, or stood to close to him in the same room. Needless to say neither or these things did anything, but I felt I had to do it. I have had no contact with her since that day. But I did, just last night, after 10 months of debating, email OW#1. I sent a very short, concise message about how I was affected by what she did all those years ago. I told her I didn't want a reply, I didn't want to hear from her, but that in order for me to let go, I needed to say my peace.

My advice, if you are truly working on your marriage, you need to cut contact with the OW, just like your H has (I hope). My view is that I did not want this person in my life to begin with, and I am not willing to drag out this whole thing by communicating with them, even if it is to vent my frustrations. She was married as well, new my H was married with a child. She has no morals, and is not worth my time or effort.