New Here - 2 years later

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2012
New Here - 2 years later
12
Fri, 03-09-2012 - 11:49am

Two years ago my husband confessed that he had been having an affair. After a few days he told me that it had not been the first. Over the next 6 months I would learn of even more. I think that I got to a point where I felt so broken, it was impossible to leave. I am rebuilding myself I still am unsure of what the right, or best desicison would be. I still feel lost, confused, but most of all I am just really angry.

Here is a breakdown

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Fri, 03-09-2012 - 1:22pm

Hugs stillangry!,

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2012
Fri, 03-09-2012 - 4:13pm

Ollie, You are 100% right, best friends don't treat each other that way. I have never treated him badly, not to say that I have never screwed up, but I never did anything knowing that it would hurt him. And I love that Dr. Phil quote, I use it all the time and I know its true. I think the reason that I stay is the unknown future. I have had my husband betray be as well as numerous friends ( that had been with him in some way, shape, or form). I guess it feels like even if I did move on and eventually bring someone else into my life that chances are it will happen again just different faces.

I am also dealing with the fact that I have 3.5 yrs left in school and 4 kids to think about. We live in a very small town with no family around, and no "real" friends. I know lots of people just no one that I could go hang out with for a girls night to take my mind off things. So I would be alone and that is a scary thought. I have done it before its just been a really long time and I had a lot fewer responsibilities. It's a very scary thought. I don't want to be the woman that stays because she feels like she can't do any better, but at times I feel like that is exactly what I'm doing.

We have had the conversations about what is different now ect. He says that between the counseling and seeing the way it hurt me, and the kids that is what has made him change and be able to set boundries. He says that he is fiinally proud of himself for the first time in his life he has respect for himself, who he is, and how far he has come. I do see differences in him, but at the same time he was always so good at hiding what was going on his word will never be enough.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2011
Fri, 03-09-2012 - 8:07pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-1999
Fri, 03-09-2012 - 8:34pm

Wow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Fri, 03-09-2012 - 8:37pm

wthdoido,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Fri, 03-09-2012 - 8:47pm

Hi stillangry,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 03-09-2012 - 10:57pm
Your post is likely to hurt and be offensive to a number of us, suggesting he's merely "different". You get married you don't screw around, unless you had that agreement in place prior to tying the knot. To cheat, and that's what it is, IS manipulative and abusive and will do tremendous damage to those who believed in all sincerity they were with a partner who had no intention of breaking those vows. This board is for those of us who have personally been cheated on, there are better boards for your comments at iV, such as both sides of an affair. But I think you probably knew that prior to posting. This isn't the board for open marriage comments.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2012
Sat, 03-10-2012 - 10:06am

Thanks Elmosmom99, I'm not really sure how I have handled all this either. I always told him that if he ever cheated I was done, but here I am. I keep waiting for some miracle to happen but I don't think it's coming. I feel like if had been a one time mistake I could have moved past it, we are all human after all. I never would have imagined all this. I think what has hurt me the most in all of this is the horrible things that he told people about me. I know it was all just a story to get sympathy from other women, but it still hurts. He told people that I was a drug addict and homeless when we met. That he just wanted someone to be happy to see him when he walked in the door, and felt like he had no one to talk to. All of these things are so far from the truth it isn't even funny. I just always thought of him as my protector, I felt so safe with him like no one could hurt me. Come to find out he was the perpetratuor, and allowed others to do the same. I know I could stay with him for a while for the sake of finances and kids, not long term though. I still want my prince charming, not a jerk wrapped in tin foil!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2012
Sat, 03-10-2012 - 10:13am

Hey Ollie, You are right. I need a plan b. I think that would ease my mind. I did speak to an attorney the day after he made his confession. So I know financially I would be fine, I could pay the mortgage and get by with a part time job and still go to school. I know that I will never catch him doing anything wrong, he is smart and he is really good at this. Sad really but I swear he should have won an Oscar for his performance. Thank you for all your advise!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2011
Sat, 03-10-2012 - 10:09pm

My sincere apologies, I truly had no idea what the guidelines were, nor was I seeking to offend.

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