New here, hubby- emotional affair?
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|Mon, 07-06-2009 - 2:53am|
Thank you for reading this note. (I'm sorry its long) I'm really not sure who to talk to about this. I don't even know if this counts as emotional cheating. My husband and me have been together for about 7 years, married for 2. About 3-4 years ago, we were dating and living together and he met my friend. He 'fell for' her almost instantly without me knowing it ofcourse. We used to meet our friends often and she was there too and I had no clue. We were engaged but had not really told our friends about it yet, until we could save up enough for a wedding, but they knew we were together.
One day a few months later, he gave me the 'I'm really unhappy, this isn't working' speech out of the blue. No other reason and I truly thought I wasn't giving him what he needed perhaps..and started looking for a place to move out to. That week he told me well since we're going to stay friends etc, he had asked my friend out a month ago (while we were still together and engaged) and he was so heartbroken that she said no. I tried to do the 'friend' thing and say well, she doesn't know a good guy when she sees one etc... and after a few days I just had to say..well, it really hurts talking about this, considering we just broke up. He felt hurt that I was assertive about it and that I was trying to make him feel bad about it. (But he DID ask her when we were still engaged and living together, what if she had said yes?!).
Well, so I moved out, bought a house, which unfortunately was still close to where he was (price factor). We remained friends and he would talk about her and that she was very traditional, (asian) and dating for her was only something she would do if her parents approved etc etc. Well, in a few months, we found out suddenly that she was getting married in about 2 weeks and was headed out of the country for it and would be returning in a few mnths. He was heartbroken. Long story short, in a few months, after us continuing to remain friends and hanging out, he told me what a huge mistake he had made. He had just been infatuated with her and it was something he needed to get out of his system since he had not dated many people. But now he doesnt like her at all, doesnt know what he saw in her, she's snooty and very cold and then a lot of good things about me, how I've always stuck by him etc etc and then he cried. Said he couldn't bear to lose me too etc etc and would I take him back? I was like..well, we'll see. He proposed to me again that week and had contacted my dad 'asking for my hand' and told me so. Well i said I would think about it and said yes that week.
We got married, quick simple wedding. A few months later we started trying to start a family etc. I would ask him sometimes if he still talked to her or thought of her etc (they see each other since they work at the same company) and he kept saying no and that she is just a really cold person, prolly a party girl and he doesnt know what he ever saw in her. I believed him.
Until today. I happened to be checking something and he had left his email open. Yeah, I know this is wrong, but I saw something there that made me open it. It was an email to another female friend of ours, talking about his attraction for the original person he had liked. He wrote this just a few months ago, about a year after we had started trying for baby. He said, everytime he sees her, he thinks she is the most beautiful woman in the world, even though she isnt physically beautiful. She makes him feel like being a better person just by looking at her (?!), and that his feelings that he thought would go away after she got married and after he got married to me, are just as strong as ever and the more he has pushed them away the stronger they come back. He said he is perfectly happy with me and loves me but at the same time the intensity of his feelings for her do not seem to go away.
I was shocked. I have asked him point blank, over several occasions the past few yrs if he still has feelings for her/talks to her etc, and he has vehemently lied to be directly about it, but saying things about her e.g. her being snooty and cold. His email portrays the exact opposite image of her that he has.
Now, I know this is probably silly, he isn't physically cheating and I don't really know if/how much they talk. He actually had the nerve to ask me for lunch one day and asked her too, mentioning that I had not met her in awhile etc etc... about 1.5 yrs ago. I believed him when he said it was innocent, he didn't like her at all etc etc..we were married by then.
So why do I feel so hurt that he still apparently has such deep feelings for her? Why has he been lying to me? Why the hell did he marry and is still with me ... and how can he keep trying to start a family (although reluctantly sometimes and enthusiastically at other times)... if I'm not the only one he has feelings for. And he is very unhappy in his job, but he has found innumerable excuses not to find another one, including the recent one because hte economy now is so bad its wiser to not leave the one he has, which is true. But with the long hours, long drive, wayyyy under market pay... there is no reason for him to stay, other than the fact that she works there too and he sees her everyday and he probably would not, if he left that job. I didn't think it was a big issue since he said he didn't care for her, but after reading his email today, I'm not sure anymore.
I don't know what to do. And I know he will get mad and super defensive no matter what I say. But I feel sick to my stomach that he actually lives in the same home as me, is married to me, may have a baby with me and is still in love with another married woman.
:( Any thoughts/advise is very much appreciated !!! And I apologize again for the length of this post.