New here - I am totally lost

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2009
New here - I am totally lost
7
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 6:28pm

I have been reading these posts for a few days - I thought I would gain insight to my own situation by reading about others, but you all have such wonderful advice and positive thoughts that I would love to hear opinions about my situation specifically.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2008
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 7:36pm

Hi ABT-- Right now you need to protect yourself because your

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 10:22pm

i am probably old enough to be your mom. i have a daughter who is a teacher as well.

i will give you a look into your future if you choose to stay and IF you husband is lieing and has no intention of being faithful. you may be wondering why would she type such a statement. because serial cheaters, when they are caught by their spouses plan it - they say all of the things we want to hear, they act like they are so remorseful, they are nice and understanding they believe if they just lie low for a while, put up with our crying, questions, yelling that they will soon be back in business. it all depends on the type of person he is - if, like my husband he has no empathy for what you are feeling or how this has affected you then surely he will do it again. a spouse has to get it, they have to be able to feel our pain, put themselves in our places in order to understand the consequences that have been placed upon their spouses, their children, their family. if they do not comprehend the devastation that has been caused then they really do not care - i mean not really. they care more about themselves vs us their devoted spouses.

you know your husband better than anyone. in your heart of hearts you truly know what he is capable of. trust your gut; if it tells you that he is just a liar then he is a liar.

no woman should be treated like this. no woman should have to deal with what you and many on this board are dealing with.

forgiving can become a habit - A BAD HABIT. i loved my husband more than i loved myself BIG MISTAKE. he knew it, he used it, he took advantage of it. i always put myself last, not a good thing.

think about it, how many more of these affairs before you realize you are dead inside.

you are an educated woman, now lets put some of that intelligence to work. what would you tell your sister or your best friend if they came to you with the same story? why should you expect more out of them than you do yourself.

we only go around 1 time, this is no dress rehearsal. we get no redos. don't you think you were put on this earth to be as happy as possible? i do!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2009
Sat, 01-17-2009 - 9:53am
Thank you so much - those are so many of the things that
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Sat, 01-17-2009 - 1:56pm

when you love someone emotions get in the way. often times in matters of the heart we allow our heart to make the decisions - however our heart can lead us astray.

i remember watching dr. phil one day, he had a woman on his show whose husband was a serial cheater, dr. phil made a statement that hit me like a ton of bricks "When someone shows you who they are believe them". that is what i did not not do, i did not believe what my husband was telling me thru his actions. no, instead i chose to believe he was the man i wanted him to be. he is not that person. i was in love with the man i wanted him to be, not the real man.

there is a chapter to m story i want to share with you, not to hurt you, but to serve as a warning. my husband fathered an illegitimate daughter 3 years into our marriage; i never found out about the child until she was 17 years old. 17 years, of lieing and deceiving ON THIS ONE ISSUE. what about all of the other lies. sleeping with neighbors on each side of us. his response i was over reacting, they meant nothing to him. when the truth of the matter was this, THEY DID MEAN SOMETHING TO HIM but i did not. for if i he would have respected and cared about me he would never have thought so little of me.

i just wanted to share to kind of give you a look into your potential future, please note not all men are like my husband but the fact that yours has done this more than once is real indicator.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2009
Sat, 01-17-2009 - 4:29pm
I am so sorry.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Sat, 01-17-2009 - 9:30pm

perhaps that is why we are in this situation, because we do believe in the goodness of others. what a shame that our life partners, no that is the wrong term, that our spouses choose to use what drew them to us in the first place against us. he use to tease me all of the time, "you know if someone walked up and slapped you you would ask it there was something you could do to stop 'their' pain".

the fact that your children do not know is a good thing. mine found out, specifically the now 19 year old. she had come home a day early from a basketball tournament walked in and heard us having a real knock down drag out screaming match. I was the one doing most of the screaming. during the break down i was yelling about everything i had found out so she heard it all, even the part about the illegitimate daughter. his response to her confrontation and melt down was unbelievable "what i do in my life has nothing to do with her". she was crushed. it altered her perception of her father, but worst of all it gave her a very negative view of men in general.

the kids, now they are the innocent ones. they are the ones we are suppose to protect. interesting, if i had left early in the marriage i never would have known the blessing of this chid. i had her when i was 41, i considered her a gift from God. in retrospect, i had allowed him to take over with our oldest, now 31. basically ostrasizing me from much involvement in her life. i.e. telling me i should not attend her tennis matches, as i would make her nervous. when she got over she asked me very pointedly why i attended all of our baby girls basketball games, yet never went to her meets. she asked me why she was not important to me; told me her dad had explained to her that i was 'in' to other things that i though were more important. wow, what a blow that was. here he had all of her young life truly planted the seed that he and only he loved her. she and i still struggle with our relationship, which saddens me more than words can express.

life, wow.

i know this is a difficult time for you but if i could offer you some advice i would remind you, share with you the importance of taking care of you. in order to be the best mom you can be you have to take care of you. in doing so you are mentoring your children. you are showing them the importance of happiness. when we allow all of the trials and tribulations of life to take its toll and we leave no time for 'us' we short change the very people we are trying to take care of our children. have you ever read the 180* list on this site? if not i would hight encourage you to do so. it offers some helpful hints for connection with the woman you use to be before you allowed your love for your h to become your priority. now do not get me wrong, if the spouse is reciprocating that is one thing, but when all they are doing is taking then the relationship is definitely one sided. that becomes a drain on your spirt and your psyche.
drink lots of green tea, the real thing, in bags; if you do not like it hot pour it over ice. i drink several glasses a day; it flushes all of the gunk. i also walk each and every day. i read alot of motivational excerpts from books. if i could recommend one it would be 'your best life now' by joel osteen. wow, great, helpful, brings me a great deal of peace. i have read it several times cover to cover, now each and every day i open it up and read whatever is on that page.
finding peace of mind, that is what we all search for after our discovery.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 01-17-2009 - 11:25pm

I have no idea what to say to you but... when I read what you are going through, it made one of my fav quotes come to mind and I hope that you will find inspiration in it as well.

'Never make someone a priority in your life when you are only an option in theirs.'