New here, just recently betrayed...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2012
New here, just recently betrayed...
16
Wed, 03-07-2012 - 5:51am

Hello everyone,

Although its sad to see so many people posting on here, in a way it makes me feel better to know Im not alone in feeling the way I do.

I found out on Sunday that my husband of 5 years has been sleeping with a colleague. It floored me. I knew that we hadnt been that happy recently (stress of work, pressures of having a young child, money worries - the usual stuff) but I never expected that he would find someone else.

So now Im left wondering where we go from here. I love him, he says he loves me. I would like to save our marriage, he says he isnt sure. He is worried that if we try again, we might just end up unhappy a year down the line and have wasted our time.

Without a decision from him as to how to proceed, Im left in limbo... He said he knows we need to talk but that he also wants us to try and act normally. Normally. Really!?! How can I be anywhere near normal after what hes done? I cant seem to get my head straight. I have moments where I think "Yes, I love him and we can get through this together". Then I wobble and think "Can I ever get over this, stop thinking about them together and trust him again".

I guess what Im after is hope.

For someone to say that theyve been there, done that, felt that way but got past it, moved on and now have a happy wonderful marriage.

Or am I just kidding myself?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Wed, 03-07-2012 - 7:30am

Hugs sct78,

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2012
Wed, 03-07-2012 - 8:41am

Ollie,

Hi, thanks for your reply.

My H has agreed to go to couples counselling which for him is a big deal. He has never been one for talking about the serious stuff (perhaps part of the reason we got here). Im hoping that he will actually talk rather than just sit there mute which I think a few people on here have mentioned.

Im just finding time alone so hard to deal with, I sit and think about why is happened, what they did, was she better than me, does he still have feelings for her, will I ever trust him again...?

The list goes on and Im sure its all normal but that doesnt make it any easier.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Wed, 03-07-2012 - 11:33am

(((sct78)))

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2012
Fri, 03-09-2012 - 3:48am

Yeah, we have a son whos 4.

Im still in a bad place, Ive spoken to my doctor and arranged some IC as I think even if the marriage survives I have things within myself that I need to address.

Im just getting really mixed messages from H now - in fact, a lot of my anxiety isnt even related to the discovery of the A, its about the future of our M. He told me that he doesnt feel anything when he kisses me, and that although he loves me he isnt in love with me. Then he wants to spend the evening cuddled up to me.

I dont know whether Im coming or going. I do want to work this out but if his love for me has gone I have to wonder if theres any point. I want to be optimistic but God its so hard! Could it just be that weve hit a rut like so many marriages do? Or have we really reached the end of the road? I know counselling should address these issues but the first appointment isnt until next week and Im driving myself crazy with all these thoughts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Tue, 03-20-2012 - 2:45pm

I don't want to be negative, but I do have to say that my ex agreed to conseling but because he wasn't really interested in saving the marriage, it was a giant waste of time. I think y9u going to individual counseling is the best thing you can do for yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 03-21-2012 - 1:22am

I hope you can work this out. but the things he is saying don't sound like he is very remorseful or willing to make a commitment to the marriage. And just so you know the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is the most common line we hear when they are seeing someone else. As far as the wanting to cuddle thing, after I found out my H was having an affair , he still wanted to cuddle and sleep with me, even though he was in love with the other woman. Personally, I think the thought of having 2 women wanting him was a huge ego boost for him and he wanted us both. I told him unless he was willing to end his affair there will be no sleeping together. And no she is NOT better than you nor was she special in any way. It could have been ANY woman that was available and willing to sleep with a married man. She just happened to be the one available and lacking in morals. NEVER ever again think that she was better than you. Like you I hated the OW at first, but then I realize that SHE did not make any kind of commitment to me, nor did she twist his arm or put a gun to his head to sleep with her. It was also the first time I realized that there is NO sisterhood amongst women, and that him having an affair was soley HIS decision. Anyhow, I hope you will come back and update us on how the counseling goes. ((((((((HUGS)))))) GOOD LUCK.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2008
Wed, 03-21-2012 - 11:24pm
I had a similar experience to the above two OPs...ex wouldn't go to counseling b/c he didn't want his affair to come out...he was leading me on...sleeping w/both of us-acted as though he was "working on it" only if he had been counseling would've been the most important...ultimately it was all just another lie-he
wanted it to "look good" when he decided to end it so
there wouldn't be an ugly battle-well he was wrong...also there were periods of what you are describing...what I realized much later was the OW was probably directing a lot of it and he wasn't 100 percent sure of his decision...your DH is probably still seeing her which is probably contributing to his indecisiveness...
there would fight when I found out he was cheating
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2008
Wed, 03-21-2012 - 11:24pm
Sorry posting from my phone...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Thu, 03-22-2012 - 5:34pm

If he's willing to do whatever it takes to help you learn to forgive him, there's always a chance.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Fri, 03-23-2012 - 10:46am

Great post Myra!

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