New Here, Looking for Support and Advice

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
New Here, Looking for Support and Advice
3
Tue, 07-24-2012 - 6:29am

My husband and I have been married for 15 years and have 3 children together. I thought we had a good marriage. I admit, I was caught up in the hustle and bustle of taking care of the kids, house, and working. I didn't give enough time and attention to my husband. Rather than talking to me and telling something was wrong (he now tells me I just should have known), I find out he's been having an affair with someone he works with for almost a year.

I found out over a month ago, and things have been terrible. He has told me 4 times that it is over with her, but I always end up finding e-mails to her, phone records, and trips with her etc etc. Each time he tells me he loves me and wants to work it out, but I think it is like an addiction with him. Actually, I'd like to think that it is just sex with her, but in the e-mails that I find he tells her he loves her and will leave me soon.

She is very different from me. I am petite, blonde, and somewhat reserved. She is very outgoing, voluptuous, and emotional.  I think he is excited by her physically and drawn to the loving emotional things she says to him.

 
I know that he is having a hard time dealing with this and making a decision. He really is upset, and sometimes, when he cries in his arms I wonder if he is in more pain than I am.  I keep taking him back and believing what he tells me. After all, I have 3 kids, and I love him. Besides, I feel that it is partly my fault. If I had only realized that he needed more I would have given it to him before he met her.  I really think that he is making a huge mistake if he leaves me.  Honestly, I don't see them together for the long-haul, although I am a bit biased to say the least.

I am a mess.  I can't sleep.  I can't eat.  I am doing a terrible job at work (luckily it is a slow time of year for me), and I am not exactly a stellar mother right now.  My husband travels a lot for his job, and he has been out of town about 75% of the time since I found out (at least one trip to see her although I didn't know it at the time), so often we can't even talk to much about things.  He doesn't want me telling friends or family because he is very embarrased, so I really don't have anyone to talk to.  I don't know what to do - give him time to decide, leave him, love him? Anyone with advice?

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2012
Sun, 07-29-2012 - 10:38am
We all have our faults, BUT NO MATTER THE FAULTS, It does NOT give your husband the right to have an affair! After all, we took vows to be faithful to one another! Just because your husband is upset about something you may have done, or vice versa, doesn't give permission to find what they need somewhere else!

I know exactly how you feel about your husband not wanting you to tell anyone! But, why should he be placed on a pedestal for something he did wrong? I'm not saying you should stand outside and scream from the top of your lungs that your husband had an affair. But if you can't talk with anyone, process, and mourn your feelings, then you will feel forever trapped. And YOU deserve better than that!

My girlfriends and my family knows what has transpired. I'm not keeping his little secret. I don't deserve that nor do you. He needs to own up to his mistake, or choose to carry that heavy cross on his back forever!

Looks have nothing to do with anything! As I too have discovered that out. I am pretty fit, blonde, green eyes, and I try to take care of myself. The OW/My So-Called Friend, is heavy, sloppy dressed, no make up....complete opposite of me! Which can be a big hit to my self esteem I must admit. It's still hard for me to grasp the concept of why he would even be the slightest attracted to her....but I have to look beyond the physical aspect.

You have to decide what is best for YOU & your kids. I can give you advice, support, hugs, but this is one of the biggest decisions of your life. Only you have the power to choose which path you want to journey on. But one thing is certain....If he chooses to still communicate with the other woman in any shape or form, I can't see how he is giving your marriage a fair chance. YOU need to be first in this marriage, along with your kids!

I wish you strength & peace during this tough journey. We have all been there, some worse than others, but my heart aches just the same!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Sun, 07-29-2012 - 9:05am

Hugs clover598,  I agree with the other posters--some very good advice was given to you.  You know it really irritates me when a WS (wayward spouse) suggests that the BS (betrayed spouse) didn't give them enough attention and spent her/his time with the children or homelife.  For heaven sake shouldn't the WS be right there with you helping with the raising of the children and taking care of the home?  Please don't beat yourself up about this.  It is an excuse.  The WS will try to think of anything they can to cover up their guilt.  They don't want to feel like the jerk they are so they try to deflect blame on another.  It is also common for the WS to want the BS to remain silent.  Heaven forbid that they would have to admit to their poor choices.  And that is what having an A is--a terrible choice!  Not a mistake but a choice.

Hon., it is also YOUR choice as to how you want the rest of your life to go.  So often we (BS's) wait until the WS makes his decision as to stay or go and that is giving them all of the power.  They have taken enough of the power when they chose to sneak around and lie.  I suggest you check out the 180 below and implement as many of the points you can.  I will bump it up for you.  It will make you stronger and sometimes it helps knock the WS off the fence.  I suggest you give your H an ultimatum--no contact with OW, counseling for himself and marriage counseling.  Expect him to have empathy for your feelings and take responsibility for the horrible choices he has made and accept no less!   IMHO it is either choose you and the family or hit the road.  As long as you allow him to have his cake and eat it too he will! 

Take care of yourself and your children

Ollie