New here, not where I really want to be

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2005
New here, not where I really want to be
8
Wed, 01-14-2009 - 8:28pm

I've been lurking on this board for a few days, I finally got my nerve up to post. Sorry this is long, but I think a little history is warranted. My H & I have been together for 4 1/2 yrs, married for 2 1/2. Currently, we are not living together because of some trouble I have had with my teenage son. However, he comes over very frequently.


While we were dating, we had alot of ups & downs. When we weren't together for some stupid fight (usually occurred on Thurs or Fri) he would be at our local Legion on Saturday night for the band. This

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2008
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 6:40am

What an @RSE! Its easy for me to sit here and say you're well shot of him etc but being in

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2005
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 6:21pm

He knows Im pregnant, has since December 4th. I am a high risk pg, I have to have surgery in 2 weeks. When I first told him, he was shocked....as was I. This wasn't planned by any sense, but it's the reality. He asked me if there was a chance it wasn't his, but that's not the case & I have already offered for him to have DNA. Kind of sad, but I don't want him to ever have any doubt about it, so it's ok with me. But, a couple of days later, he made the remark, I guess I don't have any say in this do I? I told him he's already had his "say"


I can't say that this the way I wanted to end up raising a baby, alone. But, I have 2 other children & I have done a pretty good job so I will do it again. I expect to hear from him again, he is pouting that I had the nerve to tell him to leave. He thinks he is upsetting me by not calling, thinks that I will miss him & forgive him again. We've played this game before. He can take his ball & go home, I don't want to play anymore.


I am resolved to the fact that he is not healthy for me, I knew this before but kept thinking that "he would change" Bet, that sounds familiar to some. However, I have such mixed emotions on why he treated me like this, I haven't done anything to deserve to be done this way. He is a very controlling person, he's not going to respond well to being out of control on this situation. That makes me a little nervous. I would appreciate any support I receive, my hormones are raging & Im struggling to keep my head screwed on straight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 10:14pm

the throwing of the bottle, the throwing of the remote - i have been there. 2 years into our marriage my husband threw a slurpee in my face when i questioned him not coming home until the next morning from going 'out for a drink'. 27 years later he had advanced, no more throwing things, no he threw me on our ceramic tile floor and began hitting my chest - 1,2,3,4,5,6 times - within an hour my chest was black, blue, and purple. my head felt as though i had been hit with a hammer.

my point, i have been married for 31 years to a serial cheater. your husband will NEVER stop, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER. he has no ability to feel empathy for you or what his betrayals are doing to you. does he care that he is hurting you? NO, does he care that people are talking? NO. does he even know how a man with integrity carries himself? NO

my life, i would not wish it on my worst enemy. you may be thinking oh the baby!!!!! yes, the baby - do you want to raise your child with a man who abuses you, cheats on you, carries himself like a male whore? I AM SURE YOU DO NOT>

you are a far better person than this man is treating you. you deserve a man who proudly takes you out dancing 'SEE GUYS, LOOK AT MY WIFE, ISN'T SHE GREAT, AND SHE IS ALL MINE. I LOVE HER AND SHE LOVES ME!!!!!!" you only have one life, there are no redos, we do not get to say play it again sam. think about that statement. when you were younger and thinking of marriage is this what you were looking forward to? no i am sure you were dreaming of a prince charming, not a selfish prick.

you deserve to be happy, it does not sound as though this guy deserves you. you need to focus on you and what is best for you.

read as many posts on this site as you can. it is possible that he will change, possible but not probable. more likely he will kiss and make up and then be at it again next month why? because he can, because he wants to and afterall in his world it is all about him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 12:13am
This is a club nobody ever wants to join, you are in very good company.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2005
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 5:55am

You are all correct in your statements to me. I don't think he will change, I think once the baby is here he will get worse. He will feel that I don't have any choices, I will be "tied down" No, when I dreamed of marriage, this was not what I was thinking it would be.


I do "love" him, otherwise I wouldn't have married him. However, I don't like him at all anymore. He is a very selfish, controlling person & I don't need him telling what I can

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2009
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 8:05am

Concerned...I may be a bit of a male chauvanist but a man should never physically harm a woman. I think that your H has a lot of unresoved anger issues dealing with his D. Did his first wife throw him out? Infedility?


I think that you did the right thing by telling him to leave. He needs to get his head on straight. He may need IC to understand what he is doing.


Jack...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2005
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 12:35pm

My understanding of his D, he & his wife both were unfaithful. If I had to make a bet, he started it and she followed suit. He married this woman twice, was with her for 14 years. I think you are right, there are unresolved issues there, but they are resolved in her mind from what I can tell.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2008
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 4:26pm
Sorry to hear this! Hope everything will be ok!