new here...need help

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2007
new here...need help
5
Thu, 02-17-2011 - 2:39pm

I've been on Ivillage ,off and on ,for years...usually on the dealing with teenagers!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2001
Thu, 02-17-2011 - 10:11pm
Hi- don't let him tell you that YOU'RE sabotaging everything. Its classic cheater speak. H is trying to deflect blame on you for his actions. My personal opinion is that you need to take time to go through the grief stages (betrayal is very similar to grief as you experience the loss of the person you thought you knew). I also feel like your H needs to figure out why he went down that path. Without him knowing what he did what he did, how can you and him be sure that he won't have the same behavior in the future. You may want to do IC to help with your own issues of being ignored, feeling miserable and dealing with betrayal. Try to takew care of you first. He's an adult and can take care of himself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Fri, 02-18-2011 - 8:27am
Did he find out about your affair? Did you have the baby?

Can't really give any advice without that info.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2007
Fri, 02-18-2011 - 11:09am

Thank you! I know he's trying to deflect blame on me. Things were so bad between us over the past year (and well beyond that but I"m focusing on the past year) that yes, I have said to him that I would love to have an affair. I know it's not right, it's very immature but my thought was that it would be a wake up call...maybe he would snap out of it and treat me better. Well, he has used that to his advantage also, saying that he thought I was so he figured he would....ok, I get that. But, after I said it (which was maybe 2x) I told him I never would, that I only wanted him and apologized for saying it. He also said that he did it because he had no self confidence, he has massive issues with rejection- so I guess a woman online was safe. That is definatly NOT my problem. And when he talks about it, and he has, and I ask him specific questions, he gets flustered and sais that there were so many woman,done so many ways, using so many different accounts, etc. that it's hard to keep track. He even picked up woman while playing some computer game on Facebook. That scares me also. Like, is he some kind of deviant creep? It almost seems like this was a replacement addiction after he stopped drinking. But, yes....I am in individual counceling and we are/have been in couples' counceling. My councelor said that same thing about grieving. He suggested that I take some time away,by myself...process all of this, see if I can come to some terms with it, and if I decide that I can move forward then to have almost like a mock funeral for the "old" husband...write a letter to the old one and burn it or bury it and let go and let myself begin to trust him. Ugh.....when do you stop waiting for the s*it to hit the fan again?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2007
Fri, 02-18-2011 - 11:12am

ME? I have never had an affair and sure as H*ll haven't been pregnant. I had a total hysterectomy 13 yrs. ago so I couldn't it I tried...hahahaha! Perhaps you have me confused with someone else?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Fri, 02-18-2011 - 11:21am
If so, I truly apologize.

I don't buy any of his crap that he is just talking to women from Craigslist. You know that alcoholics live their lives lying.

I think you know who he really is.....

If your kids aren't grown yet, they're close, correct? I'd be looking for a way out if I were you. He sounds like a dry drunk, and they're no more functional than alcoholics if they're not receiving help.

Sorry again for the mix-up. You'd be surprised how many show up here to ask questions about their husbands, while in an affair of their own.