New Husband orders ED pills!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2001
New Husband orders ED pills!
20
Fri, 08-01-2014 - 9:58pm

I need some advice - I am 29 and my husband is 35.  We were just married about 3 1/2 months ago.  I'm happy with our sex life - we usually have sex at least a few times a week.  I sometimes feel like I try to initiate sex more than he does.  He doesn't last more than a few minutes in bed, but that is perfectly fine with me - I don't like to have sex for much longer than that anyways.  I recently found out that he has been trying to order Viagra or Cialis or other erectile dystfunction drugs through a website.  He does not have a RX for these.  What bothers me even more is that I know he watches porn on tv and on the internet.  He is never honest about how often he does this, but I am guessing that it's probably every day. He knows that I hate that he watches porn.  I have never thought that he had any problems getting erections with me, so I don't understand why he feels he would need these drugs.  Maybe he thinks he will last longer in bed, but I never expressed any disappointment with our sex life.  Is it because he is so reliant on porn that he feels the need to take these pills so he can watch porn when he gets home from work, then still have sex with me later that night?  Could he be cheating?  Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2013
Fri, 08-01-2014 - 10:36pm

First, he needs to quit watching porn and focus on you. Second, forget the ED meds unless he has some physical problem. Third, focus on you and work on lasting longer than a few minutes and trust me, you will like it when he does. Talk to him about this. Communicate and speak very frank with him. Be completely honest. Your most important sex organ is your mind Sobuse it. Best of luck. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 08-01-2014 - 11:32pm

What do you mean he's been "trying" to order viagra?  He either ordered it, or he didn't.  Did you tell him you found out about it?  Unless he actually has ED.....meaning he cannot get an erection, then he doesn't need ED medication.  And he needs to get an RX from his doctor, IF the doctor says he needs it, and also if his health is good otherwise.  ED drugs are high in certain chemicals that can cause heart attacks in some men with physical issues.  Some men think it will help them last longer, and in some cases it does.  When a man doesn't last long, HE feels inadequate, no matter that you tell him it's fine with you.  I don't think the fact that he watches porn is the reason he wants it.  And I don't think he's "cheating"......either with another woman or the porn.  You need to sit your husband down and TALK to him about everything bothering you.  Nothing is solved by being upset and turning to outsiders for help.  You need to talk to HIM......and ask him why he's ordering it.  You also need to talk to him about the porn, if it bothers you.  Maybe he watches that for "inspiration" or he's looking at different ways to have sex.....and talk to him about that, too.  Maybe he's afraid to bring it up to you, for fear of upsetting you.  The bottom line is, you are newlywed, and if you two can't discuss problems like this, or any other problem, then you have a REAL problem in your marriage.  It will never survive without openness and honesty. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2001
Sat, 08-02-2014 - 9:25am

He tried to order the pills from a website that is clearly not legit. His first order was denied, probably because he used his health spending account from his insurance to purchase them.  He tried again and the order is currently pending.  Hopefully they will deny that one too.  I did bring this all up to him last night and he thinks I'm crazy for being upset. He said that a buddy of his told him about these pills and said that they work really well for him.  He wouldn't tell me what they do or why he wanted them.  He did mention that he wanted to see if they would make him last a little longer and he said that he knows I want to have sex twice a day sometimes.  That's not true though - the only days it would even be possible to do that are on the weekends.  And I am perfectly happy with the way things are.  Clearly, he is not.  I asked him if it was related to porn and he said it wasn't, but I still don't believe that.  All he does when I bring this stuff up is either laugh or get upset and tell me that I have nothing to worry about.  It's very frustrating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Sat, 08-02-2014 - 10:24am

If you google some articles on men who are addicted to porn, you will find some very scary info there. I've read that it actually changes the brain, and porn becomes the default and singular turn-on for sexual arrousal, and he will be gradually become less and less interested in having sex with an actual woman. It sounds like this is already happening with him, and maybe that's why he can't hold an erection for very long. I would suggest printing out one of those scary articles and having him read it. If I were you, I'd insist on marital counseling, where an impartial third party can suggest he get individual therapy to get over this harmful addiction.

If he refuses therapy, you need to decide whether or not to stay in a marriage where this situation is sure to get worse reather than better. The sex will dwindle to once a week, then once a month, then once every other month, etc., while he gets off on trash every day. And if you have children together, will you be spending time with the kids while he sits in a locked room, beating off while watching porn? Good luck. You're going to need it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 08-02-2014 - 12:15pm

Ok, aside from the porn issue.....his "attempt" at buying drugs online is pretty pathetic.  His "friend" is just as ignorant as he is......buying drugs on line is wors than ridiculous, it's risky!  These drugs aren't regulated, and if they sell them without a prescription, for all you know they're made in someone's bathtub with the scum from the last bath mixed in.  A legitimate drug company that is overseen by the FDA will NOT sell viagra or cialis without a legitimate prescription from a legitimate doctor.  Also "he says he knows you want sex twice a day"???  And you just let that go?  It's really like HE wants sex twice a day and is afraid to tell you that!  I asked you if you had talked to him about it, and your answer is "he said this, and he said that"......does he even listen to you? Talking something out means BOTH people talk and BOTH people listen!  I think your marital problems are a lot deeper than porn and viagra.  You can't talk to him......he doesn't listen to you.  How long did you know him before you married him, and did you not know about the porn before you were married?  You two NEED some counseling, and if you don't get it, two things can happen.  He will continue to walk all over you and not listen to a thing you say to him,  or you can realize you made a big mistake and end the marriage before you waste anymore time with him.  Try to get some counseling.....for yourself if not for both of you.  You are in early days......if you have problems now, just think what it will be like in 5 or 10 years from now UNLESS you fix things now.  PS:  The reason he should go to his doctor if he wants ED meds......is that if he actually needs them, (at his age he shouldn't) there could be many other reasons he has a problem......like low hormone levels, etc.  Tell him to see a doctor.......and if it's a good doctor, he might even give him free samples!  (maybe FREE will get him there!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 08-02-2014 - 12:20pm

I think that your DH is crazy for trying to get prescription medication and use it while not under a doctor's supervision.  I would point that out--he could be damaging his health.  Obviously he feels that sex is inadequate for him even though you aren't complaining.  I find it strange that a very young man can't last very long in bed.  I don't know how much he is watching porn--I am not totally against it but it seems as if someone is married and has a very willing wife, then that guy wouldn't need to be looking at a lot of porn--I think that's usually for men who are either very young and it's a novelty to see naked women or maybe for single men.  I would discuss the fact that he seems to be more interested in looking at porn than being with you--it could definitely be a problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Sun, 08-03-2014 - 10:02pm

When you say that he only lasts a few minutes in bed, do you mean that he has premature ejaculation or that he loses the erection before climaxing? Maybe he thinks the ED drugs will allow him to maintain an erection for a long time or have sex multiple times? If he cannot maintain an erection it could be because he already orgasmed to porn and can't perform again yet.

From watching the porn he might have a false sense of what your sex life (as a couple) should be like. Porn is fantasy, where the men can have sex repeatedly and the women want it repeatedly and nobody gets tired or sore. If your husband watches enough porn he might start believing that the movie is reality and that is how he should perform. He doesn't seem to care what you want or like, its all about something in his head.

He should see a doctor to discuss whatever he thinks his "problem" is that will be fixed with ED drugs. Maybe he has a medical condition that should be treated with some other drug, maybe the doctor would agree to ED drugs and give him an Rx, or maybe he is fine physically and its a psychologist that he needs to see. Taking ED drugs without a doctors approval could be dangerous.

Your marriage has more problems than the ED drugs. Your husband seems to have a porn addiction, he will not be honest with you about the porn (sign of addiction) or about what he expects the drugs to do, he is willing to risk his health and break the law for an erection, his interest in sex doesn't seem to be about pleasing his wife and he is so wrapped up in his own fantasies that he doesn't care what you want. If this hasn't made you angry and resentful yet it probably will soon. These are a lot of problems to overcome for such a new marriage--and until he can admit his problems nothing will change.

How much of this did you know about before you married him? I think that you should talk with a counselor for help in coping with this. Honestly, unless your husband is willing and able to quit the porn I think your marriage will be in serious trouble soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2001
Mon, 08-04-2014 - 9:17am

He doesn't lose his erection - he ejaculates quickly.  I am wondering if this is also due to watching too much porn.  I've known him for a very long time, but we only dated for a year before getting married.  I spent every night at his house while we dated, but I never knew how much porn he watched.  I still don't.  We had and still have a good sex life, or so I thought we did, so I never thought that he'd feel the need to watch a lot of porn.  I do know that he watches it, but he claims that he has significantly cut back because he knows that it upsets me.  I don't want to ban porn altogether, because I have the feeling that he will just continue to watch it behind my back.  He doesn't think any of this is a big deal, nor that it is abnormal.  A guy watching a little porn doesn't bother me, but thinking that he may be watching every day does bother me. And the fact that he feels the need to take a pill to last longer with me is troubling.  When we have sex, is he getting off by thinking of all the girls in the porn that he watches and not me?  Of course I could ask him this, but I know he would never admit that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 08-04-2014 - 9:45am

A big part of your problem is that you aren't able to talk to him......either you're afraid to ask the right questions to figure out what his problem is, or you feel you wouldn't get an honest answer, so why bother?  So, instead of asking him questions, make a statement!  Tell him hou YOU feel about how long he lasts, how much porn he watches, how you feel he's not being honest with you if you ask questions, and how it makes YOU feel.  A big problem in your marriage (and many marriages) is the lack of honest communication.  If you can't discuss what's bothering you then it's not much of a marriage.  If he wants to watch porn, and you don't have a problem with him watching it occasionally.......TELL him that.  How about suggesting that you watch it with him?  Maybe you'd learn something about him that you don't know......like what KIND of sex he likes, or how often he wants sex......maybe he wants more than he's getting.  Also, how often do YOU initiate sex?  There are so many possibilities about what is going wrong, the only way to fix things is to figure out why they're broken.  All men are different, and you have to get them talking to figure them out.  If they don't or won't talk, then you have a big problem.....Good Luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2001
Mon, 08-04-2014 - 10:05am

Thank you all so much for your advice.  I do agree that our communication is not very good at all.  These conversations are awkward and hard to bring up and sometimes they turn into fights.  I did talk to him over the weekend and told him that I am 100% satisfied with the way things are with our sex life and that I don't mind him watching a little porn as long as it's not an addiction or creating a problem with our relationship.  I initiate sex a lot....he knows that I would be able to have sex with him every day.  I never turn him down. What I always though was weird is that some nights (usually week nights, not weekends), he acts too tired to have sex.  He told me over that he feels like he's slowing down because he's older.  He does work a full time job and a lot of overtime, and he is very active at home - always building something or working on a project or cutting our lawn or a neighbor's.  It always seemed to me like he doesn't even have time to sit around and watch porn.  What I mean is that he's a hard worker and not a lazy guy. I can understand why he would sometimes be too tired to have sex, but I don't want him using porn as an easier option to get off.  An added pressure is that we want to have kids and we are had been trying.  I had a miscarriage a few months ago, and we are soon going to start trying again.  The miscarriage and not being able to have sex with him until I heal is actually what brought this all to light.  I started looking into how often he watches porn.  

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