New Info 1 Yr After DDay... What 2 Do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2006
New Info 1 Yr After DDay... What 2 Do?
11
Wed, 01-27-2010 - 4:53pm

Okay ladies and gents, I need some serious help and advise. For those that never read my story, i'll give a brief history. SO cheated with a skanky co-worker who was engaged at the time. It went on for a while. I didn't find out until maybe a year later. I suspected, but after reading saved history of their messenger chats I confirmed it. The messages were horrendous. They talked in detail about what went down and laughed at my expense and her husbands. They tried hooking up again when I was out of town. It was really bad. It's been almost a year since DDay and somethings have come into the picture that are really bothering me and I don't know what to do.


I haven't gotten over the affair and still have the homicidal feelings. A couple weeks ago, out of nowhere and after almost a year of trying to find some dirt on this girl, I came across a myspace page of a girl that worked with both the skank and my SO. Well on her site, there was a posting by the piece of trash that she made after I found out. She tried to appear innocent in her post stating that my SO was threatening to tell her husband because he thought she told me about their affair. In her posts she insists she will hurt herself if her husband found out because she had already lost so much blah blah blah. She had the nerve to make the post public for all to see. Well, since the myspace page of the other girl was private I could only see that one post.


Well, I had to fight the urge to contact this girl and let it rip. I ended up not contacting her, not for fear of repercussion, but I did not want her to try contacting my SO. Well, it took a lot and it really brought me down. I mean, a year is almost coming up and I had already been feeling pretty depressed and had a foot out the door because I could'nt take it anymore. I wanted to leave. So, instead I took a lot of advice from people and actually wrote a letter to the girl. Not with the intention of sending it to her, but to get it all off my chest. I actually started feeling much better. I even put in there that I was angry at the actions and not so much her because it could have been another girl if it was not her. Well, I kept writing and editing and Sunday night actually contemplated sending it. Not for her to care and feel sorry, but just to let go.


I did not send it, thank goodness. I ended up on a whim going back to the other girl's site, the one I found the last post on, and to my surprise she had set it to unprivate. I started going through her other posts and low and behold I came across another post by the garden ho. Well, this post was made about two months before they started talking and almost (from what my SO says) hooked up again. This time, the post talked about how she hadn't forgotten her co-worker (the girl who's site I found) it was just that everytime she tried calling her all she could remember was that one person and she couldn't stop thinking about him even though she was married now and how her marriage was having ups and downs. :-O I was shocked.


This really made me feel down because I realized that this girl (the myspace site owner) must have given the witch my SO's number because he had changed it after he stopped working with her. So she didn't have it, but the other girl did because he kept in contact with her for job references. Then on top of that I felt horrible because now I keep thinking, what kind of relationship did they really have for her not to be able to stop thinking about him even after she got married. What all am I not being told now? It makes me so sad that i've been staying up crying every night because I feel like there was so much more too it. He met one of her cousins, that says a lot. If they were co-workers, where would he have met her cousin unless they hung out outside of work and if so that means he lied more than I thought about the things he was doing. I feel like i'm being cheated on all over again and being played for a damn fool.


Now, I feel like I have an elephant sitting on my chest. My nights are horrible. I can't work my work-at-home job because it's online and being online makes me want to go to this b*t*h*s site and let her have it for real this time. Now all I want is the real honest truth and I don't want my feelings spared. They were never spared at the beginning so why spare them now. I just want the truth even if it hurts, it can't hurt more than when I first found out. I feel I need to know for me to be able to put it all together and heal. I wanted to talk to my SO lastnight but he came to bed so late I was already asleep. I felt I was having a panic attack though because as soon as I heard him laying down my heart was racing so fast and I couldn't breathe.


It is still hard for me to verbally talk to him about it, but I feel it's only fair that I know the relationship. Was it a friendship that went to far? Was she more into it than him? Even more so, how good was he with her that she couldn't stop thinking about him because there were times I wanted to strangle him. So what was it? Why her? Also, if she wasn't engaged at the time or had gotten married after all, would there have been more because if it was at that point that they enjoyed each others company like that were they more compatible than we were? Would they have wanted to be together? Would he have left me for her, but had no choice cuz she was married? Would it have continued?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 01-27-2010 - 9:31pm
You are giving the OW so much space in your head and time out of your life and why?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2001
Wed, 01-27-2010 - 9:56pm
I agree with Lily. You should try to stop fixating on the OW and spend your focus on your M and your H. I totally understand wanting to know more and seeking out the answers but I also feel you will never know the real truth and you may never be satisfied with what you end up knowing (will you always have more questions after getting answers?). You have to realize some people get more emotionally involved in a relationship than others. The ex-skank could have had an obsession with your H for all you know and your H just saw it as a fling. In the ex-skank's head, things could have been more than what your H saw it as. Try not to read too much into her words. If you feel like you trust your H now and that there has been no contact with this skank or other women, work on yourself and your insecurities. The betrayal is hard to get past (not saying you ever need to) but don't let it consume your life again. Is there a reason why you started feeling this way again after a year? Did you and your H work on things and discuss things after D-day? I personally don't think you should give another breathing moment to the ex-skank. She is nothing to you or your M at this point. Work on yourself first and you will start feeling better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2010
Wed, 01-27-2010 - 11:09pm
The OW in my case did call and threaten to kill herself. She also had her friends call and leave messages that she was threatening to kill herself. Here 5 months later and she is trolling the internet again looking for her next victim. I have to say that I do let her in my head more than I should as well. Triggers here and there have me crazy. I used to try to have a day where I wouldn't cry. I'm up to a week now where I don't cry. I'm aiming for a while week. I get the stomach aches, the headaches, the achey body, and headaches too. Real physical pain from it. Anxiety attacks, which I"ve never had before in my life. I've taken up smoking and will have about a bottle of wine a week, which I never used to drink at all. So I understand what you are feeling, but don't hurt yourself, haven't they hurt you enough already? You need to be your own best friend right now and lead the way with treating yourself the way you wish your SO would treat you. Therapy would be helpful. Hang in there, although this is the most painful thing in life I think, we can make it through, one way or another.... we can, I have to believe that....
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2006
Thu, 01-28-2010 - 12:05pm

You know, I went home yesterday and tried hard to let it go. I worked out and got maybe halfway through my workout because I couldn't stop crying. I felt horrible. My SO just comes in and starts talking about our future plans and is excited about things that he wants us to do and I'm sitting there not even thinking about it. All I could think about was him and this girl.


So, later on he is inside working and I go outside and just sit there thinking. He comes out and sits down and of course he asks what's wrong and I start crying and then I tell him I need to know what kind of relationship him and this girl had. Of course, he gets excited and a bit defensive and states there was no relationship. I tell him that I have tried and I just can't let it go. He gives me his "why is she still pissed" look and puffs away at his cigarrette and then gets up and leaves to the front yard and leaves me crying in the back patio. No explanation, no details, no nothing, as if what he said was supposed to be satisfactory.


So of course i'm fuming after that, go to bed early. He comes to bed later trying to feel me up and after realizing I wasn't having none of that he turns around and goes to bed, not even trying to discuss where my anger or feelings were coming from. Then he calls me at work happy-go-lucky as if nothing occured and realizes i'm down and wants to know if i'm mad and of course that makes me even more mad because it's like he was not even there lastnight when I was upset. So I tell him oh no i'm just here and he says ok just wanted to call and say I love you. Yeah whatever.


What is wrong with him? It's like he wants nothing to do with this situation and has already put it behind him. Well, it must be nice to ruin someone's life and then move on leaving the other person to fix themselves. That is what has to happen now, I am left fixing myself with no help from him. So, plan A didn't work and i'm fixing to go to plan B. I am not going to give a darn about him. I'm going to do what I want, for me, and if he has any problems with that well he can figure it out just like i'm having to figure out the situation on my own. He has questions, good luck, because I don't have answers either.


Why is it he screwed up, he made bad choices, yet i'm the one suffering and i'm the one that has to get fixed now? How wrong is that? And he goes off on his merry little way like nothing is wrong. He thought his defensive little "there was no relationship" was all he needed to say and that i'd magically be okay. WRONG!!! I'm even more mad than I was before.


So, good luck to him because if he's not going to care neither am I. I seem to be the only that has been caring since this all happened. I shouldn't be the one trying to make things work, he is the one and he doesn't want to. He wants to pretend nothing happened, but something did happen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2009
Thu, 01-28-2010 - 3:23pm

Hi elle-elle,


You sound stuck, you feel like he!!, and you have some very real needs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
Fri, 01-29-2010 - 12:40pm
I am doing the same thing, obsessed about her. The fat whore. I get so mad she is all over the internet, even written a blog about me when i first met him (she was the ho he cheated with in his past relationship and then on and off for 6 years, the last of the 6 was when I thought he was mine!)... I get so mad, my arms go numb. Sometimes I hate him, but he is different now. It is so hard to have love and hate in your heart. I don;t
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2006
Fri, 01-29-2010 - 3:20pm

I am just still very angry because when I found out a year ago, the cheating had occured about a year before that. They were just about to pick it back up again when I found out. So it's really maddening to know that I was being lied to with a straight face for that long, even though deep down I knew something was going on. Then for him to say I wasn't there for him emotionally at that point in time makes it worse because what is the excuse for the almost second round of cheating to start.


You know, there is so much tension in the house now because today he woke up mad because i'm mad, but instead of saying, "hey what can I do? what do you need from me" he'd rather just be mad than give me what I need or try to understand. He makes it about him. Oh poor him, he had to get up and wash 5 day old dishes that I havent' touched. I literally have been so depressed I have no cooked or cleaned in days. That is not me at all I love cleaning and cooking. I see it now though as such a chore and don't want to do it for him anymore.


So, this morning he was p*ssed because he had to do it and p*ssed at me for being hurt and upset. ??? No sense at all. If he only realized it's a simple fix. Yes, I do need counseling, but what I really need has to come from him and he just won't oblige me. For me to get back to normal I need answers and pieces to the puzzle that are missing. It seems for him to deal he just doesn't want to think or talk about it and sweep it under the rug and *poof* it's gone and never happened.


Why is that? I want us to work things out and be as happy as he wants to be, why can't he see that this is what I need for me. It's not about him, it's about me and my healing. I can't work on us until I feel better and I don't. I was doing really really good until all this stuff came up. The anniversary of dday is around the corner, the anniversary of him trying to hook up with her again was on Christmas Eve, my bday which he totally blew off last year was coming up, so all these things had me so down in the dumps and just really thinking and brought me down. Then to find this information I found out just added to my depression. Now I have to deal with an angry SO all because he is mad that I won't talk to him because he won't talk to me.


It is so infuriating. He is so infuriating. Then I call him feeling bad and just want to see how his morning is going and he does not answer and does not call back, then wants me to trust him and be okay. ???

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Mon, 02-01-2010 - 3:15pm
...have you told him in concrete language what you need?...flat out, straight forward, easy to understand language?...
Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Wed, 02-03-2010 - 9:45am

Mistake #1

FACEBOOK

Get off of it. Nether I or my spouse have an account. One day I used my son's account to look up the other men and it was a disaster for both me and my spouse.

Mistake #2

Letting that woman have any control over your emotions. Do what your going to do and don't look back. For me, I had to tell one of the OM's spouse. I'm sorry it hurt her, but her husband was hurting other people and I needed some assurances that he was not going to do this again. But It wasn't me that put him in that situation. It was his own choice. And he's lucky to still be changing oxygen into carbon-dioxide.

Mistake #3

That you think you know everything that happened. If your spouse walked you from day one through the end, you would never still know everything. So stop snooping. (trust me, I know how hard this is!!!)

The worst thing you can do to that woman is become completely indifferent to her. For me, that took action. Standing up for myself. People may not like what I did. (confronting all the men personally, usually in front of my spouse.) But telling her main dude about the other three men was huge for me. I let him know he was nothing special. My wife is very upset about that. I don't care. Having my spouse face the consequences of her actions was very important. I had her call one of the men and insist that his spouse know. We gave him the option of telling her himself of having me tell her. I then apologized to his wife for my families involvement in her pain. The man then lied to me about his involvement with my spouse in that conversation so I called his pastor and spilled everything. I learned a year later that in front of the pastor, The OM told his spouse everything.

By taking action. I'm can hold my head up a little higher. And my spouse respects me for a lot of it. Even though some of it wasn't very nice on my end.

Elle, stand up for yourself. Don't take any crap from anyone. You don't deserve any of this pain.

Thomas

I have 5 kids ages 16-10. Our D Day was August, 2008

What I'm doing to rebuild: Therapy, Books, Exercise, Forgiveness and Listening.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 02-03-2010 - 12:47pm

I understand your obsession with her. You still feel like she is a threat to your M and because your SO is not actively dealing with that threat, and you don't feel powerful enough to make him deal with it, you are making sure she keeps her distance in the only way you feel you can.

I was the same way for about a year after Dday #2 until DH finally got it, finally understood why I was threatened and that it was up to him to make me feel safe in our M or he was going to lose me.

Your SO is going about his business because the only consequences he deals with is you being upset for a couple of days, maybe an argument and then you drop it. He knows exactly how to turn this around on you so that you feel like a idiot for making such a big deal about it. He knows that if he ignores your upset it will eventually go away. He doesn't understand that by not being there for you, by choosing the coward's way out, you will eventually go away. Make that clear to him.

So, I think you should drop it after you have it out and start with the 180. If he asks why you are withdrawing from him, tell him that you are not getting the kind of emotional support you need from him and don't expect that you ever will, so you are preparing to leave him. You figure this is a healthier strategy than having an A. Have a list ready of what you need from him to keep you in your R and give it to him. Tell him if he wants a chance of you sticking around, he can start with #1, which should be answering all questions you have about the A. You have a time line in your head and you will only wait so long for him to pull his head out of his anus before you give up on him ever becoming the kind of man you want to spend the rest of your life with. Even now he is on borrowed time.

Stop with the tears and the silent treatment. It has not worked, it doesn't have any impact on him. He considers it you throwing a little fit and that is all. It goes away if he has a little fit. He will take you seriously if you are cool, calm and firm. He doesn't have to do anything, but everything he does or doesn't do has consequences.

BTW, my DH uses to out-drama me when I was upset about something. I remember once I was totally depressed about his EA for about four days. This isn't me, I might get slightly depressed for an hour or so, but I bounce very quickly even during the worst of the EA period. He didn't know what to do. He knew he was responsible, but he didn't want to talk about it. So, he got more depressed than me and took a sledge hammer to the sink. I calmly sat and watched him. do it. He ended up on the kitchen floor crying saying, "Don't you care? You didn't even try to stop me!" I then explained to him that this was a pattern for him, that he could not out-drama me out of this depression. If he really wanted to help me out, he could talk to me about his EA. Then I left and was still depressed for the next couple of days. He did talk to me about it and about his pattern of drama. He did not realize that was what he was doing. He hasn't done it since. I did not insist on a new sink. The chip is a daily reminder to him that is invaluable.

Take your power back. If he has to face real consequences I would be he would face these problems straight on.

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