New Info 1 Yr After DDay... What 2 Do?
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|Wed, 01-27-2010 - 4:53pm|
Okay ladies and gents, I need some serious help and advise. For those that never read my story, i'll give a brief history. SO cheated with a skanky co-worker who was engaged at the time. It went on for a while. I didn't find out until maybe a year later. I suspected, but after reading saved history of their messenger chats I confirmed it. The messages were horrendous. They talked in detail about what went down and laughed at my expense and her husbands. They tried hooking up again when I was out of town. It was really bad. It's been almost a year since DDay and somethings have come into the picture that are really bothering me and I don't know what to do.
I haven't gotten over the affair and still have the homicidal feelings. A couple weeks ago, out of nowhere and after almost a year of trying to find some dirt on this girl, I came across a myspace page of a girl that worked with both the skank and my SO. Well on her site, there was a posting by the piece of trash that she made after I found out. She tried to appear innocent in her post stating that my SO was threatening to tell her husband because he thought she told me about their affair. In her posts she insists she will hurt herself if her husband found out because she had already lost so much blah blah blah. She had the nerve to make the post public for all to see. Well, since the myspace page of the other girl was private I could only see that one post.
Well, I had to fight the urge to contact this girl and let it rip. I ended up not contacting her, not for fear of repercussion, but I did not want her to try contacting my SO. Well, it took a lot and it really brought me down. I mean, a year is almost coming up and I had already been feeling pretty depressed and had a foot out the door because I could'nt take it anymore. I wanted to leave. So, instead I took a lot of advice from people and actually wrote a letter to the girl. Not with the intention of sending it to her, but to get it all off my chest. I actually started feeling much better. I even put in there that I was angry at the actions and not so much her because it could have been another girl if it was not her. Well, I kept writing and editing and Sunday night actually contemplated sending it. Not for her to care and feel sorry, but just to let go.
I did not send it, thank goodness. I ended up on a whim going back to the other girl's site, the one I found the last post on, and to my surprise she had set it to unprivate. I started going through her other posts and low and behold I came across another post by the garden ho. Well, this post was made about two months before they started talking and almost (from what my SO says) hooked up again. This time, the post talked about how she hadn't forgotten her co-worker (the girl who's site I found) it was just that everytime she tried calling her all she could remember was that one person and she couldn't stop thinking about him even though she was married now and how her marriage was having ups and downs. :-O I was shocked.
This really made me feel down because I realized that this girl (the myspace site owner) must have given the witch my SO's number because he had changed it after he stopped working with her. So she didn't have it, but the other girl did because he kept in contact with her for job references. Then on top of that I felt horrible because now I keep thinking, what kind of relationship did they really have for her not to be able to stop thinking about him even after she got married. What all am I not being told now? It makes me so sad that i've been staying up crying every night because I feel like there was so much more too it. He met one of her cousins, that says a lot. If they were co-workers, where would he have met her cousin unless they hung out outside of work and if so that means he lied more than I thought about the things he was doing. I feel like i'm being cheated on all over again and being played for a damn fool.
Now, I feel like I have an elephant sitting on my chest. My nights are horrible. I can't work my work-at-home job because it's online and being online makes me want to go to this b*t*h*s site and let her have it for real this time. Now all I want is the real honest truth and I don't want my feelings spared. They were never spared at the beginning so why spare them now. I just want the truth even if it hurts, it can't hurt more than when I first found out. I feel I need to know for me to be able to put it all together and heal. I wanted to talk to my SO lastnight but he came to bed so late I was already asleep. I felt I was having a panic attack though because as soon as I heard him laying down my heart was racing so fast and I couldn't breathe.
It is still hard for me to verbally talk to him about it, but I feel it's only fair that I know the relationship. Was it a friendship that went to far? Was she more into it than him? Even more so, how good was he with her that she couldn't stop thinking about him because there were times I wanted to strangle him. So what was it? Why her? Also, if she wasn't engaged at the time or had gotten married after all, would there have been more because if it was at that point that they enjoyed each others company like that were they more compatible than we were? Would they have wanted to be together? Would he have left me for her, but had no choice cuz she was married? Would it have continued?