Newbie - Emotional Affair Still Going On - Venting!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2011
Newbie - Emotional Affair Still Going On - Venting!
20
Mon, 12-05-2011 - 9:45pm

My husband of eight months is having an emotional affair.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008

That was a great reply.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2011
I got told this evening that I'm giving up on our marriage because I don't want to see the therapist anymore, and why won't I believe him that he wants to be with me and loves me. That there isn't anything going on because he chooses to be with me. Why can't I trust that? Why can't I trust him. If I would just trust that he loves me everything would be fine and i'd realize they are just friends. He denied contacting her 90 times, tried to say that it had to be over the course of 2 months. I told him to bring me the laptop, and I'll pull up the cell phone bill. And that its only a matter of time before the other girl-friends call him because they need his help, and what am I gonna do about it then? He can't help it that someone is going through a rough time (for more than a year now). One of those girl-friends did call once. Her car needed some repairs. She called, brought the car here, he fixed it, and she went on her merry way. She doesn't call and call and call like this OW does. None of them do.

He's never going to end the relationship. Most certainly not without putting the blame squarely on me, and causing him to go against his values and make him never trust me around any of his friends. He's made this clear on several occasions.

So now we are back to it all being my fault, I'm giving up, do I want to be with him? Do I love him? Do I want him to leave? Blah blah blah. It won't stop until I give in again, drag myself back to therapy, admit I'm wrong, I need help, do as the therapist says, and meet him half way. I still don't know what half way is. And why can't he meet me half way?

We said what we wanted to go forward in the last session. I wanted her to go away, and for him to apologize and admit how he's handled this was wrong. I wanted my very hurt feelings to be acknowledged. Not once since all of this has he done so. All because I don't do the work at home, but had I let him finish and not interupted him I would have found out that it wasn't that bad. It was my therapist who interuppted him asking if that was a fair statement, he said yes. And tonight he never told me the rest, even when I asked how you make that better.

I f***ing hate my life right now. He took my baby to his mothers because he doesn't need to be around all this stress and crap, but he's not taking my baby from me. Whatever.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2001
Sorry you are going thru this. I haven't read all the posts so I may be repeating something already said. Your H is deflecting blame on to you. That's typical cheater behavior ("she's just a friend", "you're crazy", etc). I heard that for years and guess who my X lives with??? Like u said, your gut knows what's going on. Try to find the strength to get yourself back and the confidence you need to make decisions for you and your baby. He's taking your self esteem away. There is the 180 list on the board you can read to get some ideas as to behaviors to help you heal. Remember you only live once so dont live it miserable. Focus on you and your kid's. When your mind becomes clearer, decide how you want to move forward with your life. You deserve better and he should respect your concerns- period. And his "friend" is just trash- plain and simple. Don't let her get the best of you. You sound strong based on your life experiences. She's just pathetic.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2011
What and where is this 180 list??
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008

Well, of COURSE he wants you back with this therapist - he's hearing thru him/her precisely what he WANTS to hear and what he wants YOU to hear.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008

((((Java))))

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2011

Thank you, I found the list.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2011
Just found out that he changed his passwords all over again. He broke my laptop, so I've been having to use his. Can only use the "guest" account, and I can't print, or set up a printer because he changed his password again. Nice. And he says I'm the one who pushes him away. Again, I have nothing of my own. It's all controlled by him, done by him, all under the guise of "he's just trying to help" or "trying to make things easier for me". I don't exist. I literally do not exist.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008

Oh, you're going the same route so many of us choose - believing him and then punishing ourselves.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008

(((Java)))

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