Newbie - Emotional Affair Still Going On - Venting!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2011
Newbie - Emotional Affair Still Going On - Venting!
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Mon, 12-05-2011 - 9:45pm

My husband of eight months is having an emotional affair.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Java-your devastation is doing the talking for you today. It can't be avoided, has to be felt. Your fear and misery is sinking you to depths of despair. I believe we all go thru similar feelings. So many of us have young children which adds on a layer of complication so thick we see no way of fixing it. I felt stuck too. I felt I was a shell of myself and the affair brought out the changes in me and I was shocked at what I had become and what I had allowed to go on in my marriage where I had no control, was given no thought, spared nothing. I had allowed my husband to destroy our marriage, and his affair damn near destroyed me until I thought about my beautiful boys who thought their dad was a hero. The realization that he cared nothing for me during his affair was hurtful but it didnt compare to the feelings that erupted when I learned he thought absolutely NOTHING of them and didn't even think about what he risked for them and that each of his decisions have the potential to forever alter their lives. We as mothers seem to get that those very first days we hold them.

I want to remind you that wine and Xanax as you know are temporary patches and they PROLONG your pain. You have much work to do and you have no time for that now! You have to re-take ownership back of YOU and YOUR life. Your husband is not your father or your boss. You are your own boss and you should be equal partners in your marriage. After an affair, it creates a weird dynamic in that your husband gave up all rights to privacy while you are entitled to yours. In fact you need something that is yours and yours alone.

I am confused by you trying to justify and accept this friendship he has. The fact is it's wrong. It's wrong for many reasons but for one it makes you feel unsafe and insecure. I learned that in a marriage NEITHER one should do something that makes the other partner feel ill at ease, especially when a third party is brought into your relationship.

The fact tha your husband is u willing to see your point of you tells me he doesn't care about your point of view and he will do whatever he needs to do to keep getting wha he feels he needs, wants And deserves.

Something major has to change. And since you are the only one you can control, it's gotta be you. I highly recommend a visit to a lawyer for a little chat. You will find out just how stuck you AREN'T and what your financial,situation will be should he have to go live with his friend. Find a way, to get your own money, separate from the house. Do some soul searching on what you need from him in order for this marriage to survive. I remember giving my husband my list- my non-negotiable list. I had already resigned myself to divorce. I could no longer continue as an invisible being in my own house. I deserve more out of life. I work hard everyday, I feel I am a good person. I didnt deserve or earn what treatment I was being given and neither do you.

Personally, I am a skeptic of therapy. I think that it can be good with the right therapist. But it also takes complete honesty by the participants. Your husband is not putting in a via key effort in that vein. It does not sound like that is helping you, him or your relationship. In order to fix a problem, he first has to admit he has one, and right now he thinks YOU are in the wrong. I hate to say it but he may need to stare the loss of his marriage in the face, and even then it may not work.

I am just sorry that this is your life, that you found your way here. I am angered on your behalf. but I Also want to tell you that even the greatest tragedies in our lives can yield something positive. For you I hope that your marriage gets back on tracked that is what your heart desires, but more than that I want you to realize tha you are beautiful, lovely and deserving of happiness. Find you within you if that's all you do. No more settling!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Obviously you realize this is not good at all. I hate to think of what she keeps needing to have "fixed", but we all know exactly what it could be. This reeks of more than an emotional affair, unfortunately, esp. if he keeps "helping" her with things and makes sure he's all spruced up when he goes to her place, NOT to mention that he KEEPS GOING TO HER PLACE. That's bad right there. He's a grown man, he has to know what he's doing has nowhere to go but bad to worse. Until he breaks off contact with her 100%, for good, you have nothing to work with here. He has zero boundaries with this woman, just for starters, but I'm sorry to say to me this sounds like more than he admits is going on. So what if he gets pissed by what you say in counseling? Big deal! The therapist my DH and I still see separately said that to us - I get really po'd with his ongoing issue with dishonesty (firmly entrenched in him since childhood and I'm trying to hang in there with it), and he's so afraid he'll say the wrong thing and tick me off, so he keeps quiet. The therapist has said to him - and to me - SO WHAT if she gets pissed off? What difference does it make, she's already pissed off. And you should be, too. Say what you need to say in counseling, if you cannot get thru to him without counseling. It has to get said. But any good therapist is going to tell you both that if there's a prayer of you two working this out, he has to cut off contact and convince you that has REALLY taken place. We all know it's sooooo easy for them to call the OW and make it SOUND good, like they are breaking off contact....but then how easy is it for them to e-mail or call again and say "you know I had to say all of that, my wife was standing there....". It will take him doing this PLUS showing you with his actions OVER TIME that this EA truly is over with and you are going to be his focus now - you are NOT right now, not by a long shot. You have to be tough here. Until you are, he's not about to stop, he's got some witch in his life and she has him wrapped around her little finger. It has to end now.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008

(((java))))

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2011

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2011

I decided to post pics.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008

Java,

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Java- I couldn't say what Ollie said well enough. But she is so right. Somehow and somewhere there is strength within you to do what you need to do not only for you but for your child. Your husband is an abuser and guess what? You are letting him win. We all did. But then something I side us snaps one day and we say, "no." no more. I'd rather face what awaits me then continue to live in prison or hell. Both had me trapped. My own mother looked at me one day and asked me what happened to me? You went into that relationship happy, healthy and whole. And now look at you, a slip of the vibrant person you once were. She grieves for this deception. She grieves that I will never be the same again, that I will look at everyone in the world differently with a brick wall up as high admit can go. She grieves yet another loss of innocence that happen to her daughter - a grown women. That made me wake up. As a mother I can imagine the pain she was feeling and I couldn't let him beat me up emotionally anymore. I don't want my kids to grow up and think that I am weak or incapable of standing up for myself when faced with adversity. I don't want them to grow up and treat women like their father treated me. My grandfather on his deathbed said two words to me. As he left this earth, he said, "stay strong." that was 12 years ago. He saw something in me that I don't see myself. He believed I had strength, therefore I must.

You can do anything you put your mind too. You somehow have to dig deep Inside of you and pull your strength out of you to do what you need to do. You aren't living java, you are existing. You should have more, your child should have more.

See that attorney today. It is empowering. You don't have to go thru with a divorce but you do need to know what options you have. No matter what, don't waste your life. Don't let him waste your life. Let him waste his own.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2011
All I know right now is I am so sad. I hate him with every inch of my being and feel so worthless. I guess I'm just not in that place yet where something has snapped. I feel more like I'm laying on the floor trying to catch my breath after being punched in the gut. Reeling from what just happened.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008

Oh, no no no no, there IS no "meeting him halfway", nor is there any faking it like you're happy.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008

I don't remember if someone else already said this or not, but you also have one unfortunate task - you have to get tested and DEMAND he do the same.

 

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