Newbie having a hard time dealing with the lies and betrayal

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2011
Newbie having a hard time dealing with the lies and betrayal
7
Sat, 06-04-2011 - 10:20pm

Hello all. I am new to the message board and could really use some support right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-1999
BH12,

My marital and individual counselor have a Christian background and I can't begin to say what a blessing it was to have someone who shared my background and beliefs. I could say things and tell her that I was listening to the rosary a lot to deal without having to explain or defend what I was doing.

I pray that you are blessed with someone who reaches your marital soul like mine did. God Bless.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2011
I was able to talk with a chaplain today and he suggested military one source also. He is currently, per my request, looking into whether there are any councilors in my area that have a Christian background as well. I'm not sure if your husband has told you everything. I didn't feel that I trusted my wife much at all until she did... I will warn that it is VERY difficult to hear and deal with!!!! But if you can get him to the point where he has told you all of his secrets and all of the horrifying details, you will find that he might open up to you as my wife has. Although I am still hurting very much from what my wife told me, we have been able to make progress in leaps and bounds since we are finally able to be totally honest with each other. Also, give yourself liberty to be as insulting and mean to him as you need to be. If he has a problem with it, just tell him that you deserve to be able to express yourself however you like. You earned it! Best Wishes -BH12
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2003

Can I suggest rather than a chaplain, you call military one source and get a civilian counselor.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2011
elmosmom99, I think your point about no contact is a very good point. Before finding out about the affair I had met the other man and his wife. When I got back from my deployment, my wife tried to just pass them off as friends she had met while I was away. This morning I called him for the first time since finding out a month ago. I know that he is scared that I will tell his wife, but I don't want to hurt her like he and my wife hurt me. I simply let him apologize, which I didn't think was totally sincere and I told him that he must never contact my wife again. After telling her about this, she was very angry with me, but after talking for a couple of hours, she agreed that it was the right thing to do. One thing that makes me have a lot more faith in her is the fact that she gave me the account information for her secret email account. I have since changed the password and closed it. I know that in many ways, although she knows it is a bad idea, she still wants to contact him. My hope is that she will let me know when she is tempted so that we can work through it together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2011

sissyjacks, thank you for your message.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-1999
I am really sorry for you. My H is retired military and I have heard of your story too many times. I really am sorry, no one deserves to be in this club of ours, but most especially not while you are deployed defending our county.

Be sure to utilize any support system you can find and hopefully you are able to get a good counselor both marital and individual. My H and I are in an okay spot after his A but I still need to go back to my counselor to get used to trusting him while he is traveling for work. Because that for me was a hard one to deal with.

Good luck to you. It does seem promising that your W is telling you everything. Please be sure she understands NO CONTACT with him ever again. If she is unwilling to do that then you may need to think about where you are, but I think the No Contact rule seems to be a good place to start.

Good luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009

while i am sure you will find this hard to come grips with - the fact that she told you the truth will, in the end, help a great deal.

i am a betrayed wife, my husband never really told me the truth.