Newlywed and just found out....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2009
Newlywed and just found out....
9
Fri, 02-20-2009 - 2:31pm
I just found out that my husband of 10 months has been shopping for online prostitutes....some posing as massage therapists.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Fri, 02-20-2009 - 2:43pm
I'm so sorry for your pain. Your H needs therapy- he could have a sex addiction or compulsivity as mine did b/c of a repressed and somewhat abusive childhood.Insist on this or leave the marriage. Your lucky you don't have kids. Do this before you decide to have any kids. You have to get this resolved. It's not about you-it's about him and if he doesn't get help, RUN don't walk away!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 02-20-2009 - 7:30pm
Hon I hate to tell you this BUT if he is doing this stuff ONLY 10 months into the marriage I think you have a long hard road ahead of you. I would strongly suggest getting out NOW, before you have a couple of kids with him and find out then that he is having affairs. You have NO WAY of knowing how far these internet chats went and if he actually met any of these women when he was gone on travel. And looking out of curiosity is one thing BUT he was actually asking them about scheduling and their rates etc., knowing he'd be out of town and away from you. Think about it. Of course he will tell you that he did not meet them even if he did to cover his arse. Take it from someone who should have left her marriage 27 years ago. You will catch him and he will then apologize and promise never to do it again. Yeah right. He'll just get sneakier about covering his tracks and cleaning up his e-mail and computer history. GET OUT NOW before you end up like me. Disillusioned and Heartbroken


Edited 2/20/2009 7:41 pm ET by peaceyma
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2008
Fri, 02-20-2009 - 11:23pm

I am not going to tell you to stay or leave, ultimately that's your own decision because people do change for the better, afterall God gives us brains for a reason and we dont know what was going on in his brain at that moment.

**********************************************
me & hubby : 26 years old
married for 2.5 years, have a son 20 months old
d-day : August 06, 2008
rebuilding
**************

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Sun, 02-22-2009 - 11:45pm

I am so sorry to hear about what's going on with you, it's a very difficult situation for you I know.

sc

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2009
Thu, 02-26-2009 - 10:21pm

I am also a newlywed and just found out. We got married just over a month ago and two days after our one-month anniversary, the mailman delivered to me an envelope from the OW containing a description of their relationship, photos, love letters he wrote to her and phone records. Turns out, according to him, that he freaked after he proposed last January and met her in Feb while on a business trip. They started emailing and talking on the phone; and, after I moved in with him in August (giving up my house and career in another state), he initiated the physical relationship. He travels a lot for work, but some of the "work trips" were really to see her...even one weekend when our parents were hosting us a couples' wedding shower. He swears it was a fantasy that took the wrong turn and he broke it off in December when he realized he really did want to marry me in January. I also found out that he was sleeping with another girl over the summer while he was out of the country for work.


What I can't understand is why there is any confusion for me at all. Why would I even give this a chance? Why would you? But I know how you feel... the euphoria of love and being newly married suddenly shattered...let me know what you decide to do. I could use the guidance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2009
Fri, 02-27-2009 - 12:07am
Your letter ripped my heart out. I went through something similar in February 2006 with my husband of 28 years. Because he had never been that interested in sex with me since the day we were married I was horrified to learn that it was because he was addicted to prostitutes and whores. I felt unbelievably betrayed, horrified, and embarrassed. My heart was broken. I loved my husband. I always found him incredibly attractive and was always interested in sex. I was by far the one who was more adventuress and sexual. And then I find the e-mail to his "steady whore" of at least 6 months. Very chatty and asking her to save some time for him on Tuesday. My world went black. I attacked him physically. We got into a horrible fight and I had him arrested. I kicked him out of the house for 4 months. We went to counseling together, he and I both went separately, he started going to Sexual Recovery Anonymous once a week. He promised a million things if only I would take him back. I did after 4 months (about 1 year ago). It has been hard. Actually hell. He is on meds for anxiety, depression and anger. He is contrary, negative and his entire thought pattern is askew. He makes up crap and then will give you reason after reason that he is right. I still look good and I'll be 60 in July. I have lost over 25 pounds in the past year and I work put. My body is better than it was when I got married. He has gained 60-70 pounds and has gone from a really hot guy to a fat guy. But I still think he's hot. The sexual rejection is overwhelming at times. I want to shake him and say "Hey Moron! I'm the hot one in this relationship. Who are you to cheat on me, to sexually reject me?!
Your husband MUST start going to meetings. SLA or SRA. I learned so much in the past year. Stuff I never wanted to know. I even went to an all day SRA event and sat in on 3 meetings with my husband. Whoa! what a trip! All of a sudden I'm in this whole other world that I never knew existed. I know that my husband loves me and is remorseful. I am fairly certain - like 98% that he has not paid for sex in the last 14-15 months. But I am left with such devastation. After this happened and when my mind started to clear, I realized that he was the cause of my pelvic inflammatory disease 16 years ago! I was on a gurney hemmoraging with a fever of 104 and he lied to 6 different doctors about having sex outside the marriage. This delayed my treatment, left me in the hospital for 12 days and sterilized me. I was so dumb, so convinced that he had never cheated that I believed it totally and completely. I wish I could get out of this marriage. I think that my husband has subconsciously demeaned, degraded and just been pretty miserable to me this year because I've taken the hooker/s from him. He is sick. I read a lot of those self help books. I lost a lot of friends--or rather WE lost a lot of friends. He has given me all the passwords in his life. I have gone to his office unannounced and checked the computer (they were all Craigs List whores). I hate being suspicious and i have never been jealous. If I were younger and had some earning potential in the world i would run. I don't know how old you are or if there are kids involved but Honey--You're a newlywed! This is not problem that will go away without a lot of work on your husbands part. If he is willing and ANXIOUS to do the work then you have to get involved as well. It sucks but that's the way it is. You have to start reading and blogging and maybe attending meetings as well. I am crazy mad at my husband for turning our lives inside out and upside down. For changing our lives so dramatically. But for what it's worth, sex addiction is a real thing and you and I are married to men with the affliction. No one can tell you what to do or not to do. That is your call. But you MUST give yourself some time to start thinking with a lear head. I made a ton of mistakes through this ongoing process. Please write to me anytime and I will tell you all the dumb things to avoid doing. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope for whatever makes YOU happy.
Love, Linda
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2009
Wed, 03-04-2009 - 1:56am

Hi,


Just checking in with you because I really know what you're going through. I've been married just over a month and found out about my husband's affairs two weeks ago. I'm very confused about what to do.


Have you started counseling? Did you stay at home with him or did you leave?


Steph_in_NC

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Thu, 03-05-2009 - 7:23am

I just want to add:

PLEASE go get a tested for STDs. And demand that your DH get tested too... if he balks I would consider it a deal breaker.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Sun, 03-08-2009 - 2:49pm

Steph in NC,


You stay because you put a lot of energy into this relationship and you don't want to have to tell all of your family and friends who came to your wedding that you made the biggest mistake of your life!

sc