Not coping very well

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2009
Not coping very well
21
Tue, 08-25-2009 - 5:14pm

I just found out a little over two weeks ago.


H came home one night and clearly upset. Recently, his mother died, he's having stress at work, not sleeping, acid reflux, back aches. The stress was getting to him. Told me he wasn't a good husband, had an affair, she got pregnant and the baby is now 15months old. I was speakless, to say the least. I didn't even know how to act or react. I tried absorbing what he said but it just wasn't adding up to everything I knew and loved about him.


He doesn't love her, he was going to end and then she got pregnant and he felt stuck. She left for a year after the baby was born and then she came back in May, he continued to see her and the baby.


I felt detached from it for awhile, went through that honeymoon phase people are talking about on here. But it's coming up again and I'm not sure how to handle it.


We have been married 8 years, together 12. We have 3 children together. The A happened after our 3rd son was born. I was going through horrible depression and blues from post pregnancy and over the fact I had my tubes tied. I still wanted another child, a girl. I just haven't felt complete because of it. We drifted, didn't have sex and I was also having some issue where it hurt for months. This was when it happened.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Tue, 08-25-2009 - 6:00pm
Peace & Strength to you
there is no excuse for his actions so do not blame yourself in an which way
I don't know if I could handle this myself, it is the motherload of distress
if he wants to be with you - you make the rules
can he watch or visit with the new child at the park or at his own home?
that is the only way I think it could be a manageable situation
you should not have to worry about him going to her place for hours
you have too much to worry about as it is
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2009
Tue, 08-25-2009 - 7:14pm

My biggest issues is I don't know how to proceed with this child. I did tell him I don't want him going to her home to watch the girl. He wanted to know if he could bring her to our place but then it would bring up questions from the boys. I'd have to tell my family and friends because obviously they'd see him with her. I don't know how to adopt this child into our lives if only for little visits. I will allow that she come visit him with the child at his shop. The visits would be short as it's no place for a 15month old.


Still absorbing everything is so hard.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2009
Tue, 08-25-2009 - 8:17pm

Hi Tess,


You know, you are really holding up well.

T.J.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Tue, 08-25-2009 - 10:58pm

tess:

i am sorry for all that you are going thru.

it sounds as though you want to keep this child a secret......not possible if you live in a small town. i am thinking the child has his last name, what about pediatrician visits? what about when the child starts school?

if you are going to stay with your h then the 2 of you are going to need to sit down and work this out, as hard as that may be.

i agree with the other posters, the child should be BROUGHT to your home by her - no him picking the child up. sooner or later the family and your boys will need to be told. this child is now a part of your life, as hard to fathom as that might sound.

would you be up to sitting down along side your husband with the other woman - showing a united front THESE ARE THE RULES. this will give you back some power.

as a side note my h fathered a daughter 3 years into our marriage. i did not find out until she was 17. my husband abandoned the daughter. when i found out finally he told me that the childs mother was 'a welfare whore'. he told me he felt nothing for the child. how very sad is that. the reason he did not feel anything is because it would have been an inconvenience. i would have left him. while we live in san diego, as i found out, the other woman went to the very medical center i use to work at for prenatal care - where many many of my friends worked. she took the child to the same medical center. NONE OF THE PEOPLE WHO WERE MY FRIENDS EVER TOLD ME. we have a very unusual last name - that is how they knew. i am no longer friends with any of them, the fact that they knew and i was simple fadder for them to toss about in their gossipping sessions hurt me deeply. i truly felt wounded.

this is going to take a great deal of strength on your part with a major amount of caring as well. do not fool yourself that it will be easy, but it is doable if your husband is willing to understand that from here on in it is the 2 of you TOGETHER.

i wish you every amount of love possible - sprinkled on top strength, fortitude, and spiritual guidance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2009
Wed, 08-26-2009 - 9:21am

Yes, for awhile I did want to keep the child a secret but yes I also realized that that is not possible for so many reasons. The feelings and even just that fact that she is alive comes very much into play for me. I can't allow her to be ignored by me and the boys, it's just not fair.


Though I am going to wait a little bit, I'm just too raw still and I think before I face my parents and sibling and the rest of the town gossips, I need to be strong in my relationship with my H.


Yes, I think we will have to set down and set some rules and all that. I told H yesterday that he couldn't go do her home and that we would figure it out and then

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 08-26-2009 - 12:38pm

The very FIRST THING I WOULD DO is to consult with an attorney and ask for DNA testing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2009
Wed, 08-26-2009 - 6:06pm

Thanks for your response.

We had another talk this morning and I laid down some guidelines as to what I want to see done. We'll have to sit down and make a plan on how we are going to do this. I also told him it will take more time for me to come to terms with everything before I move on to telling my family and his visiting his daughter. I also told him that if he is committed to this relationship that I have to be his number 1 priority and that he could not talk in a good way about the OW and agreed unless I asked questions. Because I have asked how she was doing, is that dumb of me that I am worried about her? I think I'm crazy!

He said he loved me more now than when we first got married. I try to believe him and it's been a good day with this open communication.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Wed, 08-26-2009 - 6:53pm
I totally agree with Lily you need a DNA test it should be mandatory
before you move forward with the zillion other things
don't worry about anyone but yourself and your children certainly not the OW
your husband cheated and lied and hid another child from you for over a year
do not be the one to make everything all better
make any and all demands you need
seeing a lawyer to get the information
he needs plenty of consequences from you and you need to know that he is on the same page (cheaters lie, he told many, how do you know he was going to end it with her before she became pregnant)
I know you are going through too much to imagine and I am not trying to bring you down
I just think, you should never have to go through anything remotely like this AGAIN
we have a tendency to fix things to be nice and accommodating (well I do and I am assuming here) my husband did not shape up until he thought I was ready to walk
now your husband pretty much had to come clean with another being crawling around - just be careful to not make things too easy on everyone else
take care of yourself and your children first
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2009
Thu, 08-27-2009 - 6:39pm

The last few days have been a little draining but we've talk more and I've been doing a lot of reading and trying to find ways to cope and move on and deal.

I told him he can not be friends with her, I don't want to know what he thinks of her (ie that she's nice), I have to know about all communication and what it is about. How can she be nice if she sleeps with a married man and not think of how this is hurting his wife and children. He told me she'd been by the shop and was upset about the inequality and I said what did she think? He said she wanted more. Too bad! I told him he's to ask for a paternity test, no way am I going to take this child into our home unless I know for sure it is his. Then we will discuss how to deal with it, arrangements, how I tell my family and the like, how we bring it up to the children. It will be so confusing.

He's afraid she will sue for maintenance as she's a little jaded right now and I told him we'll deal with it when it comes but maybe we can have an written arrangement, it's not like we can afford much right now but man, all the things that stem from this just sucks.
I know more details, have asked questions taking guidance from the sister board here I think and asked plenty of my own.

He is fully committed to being open and honest about anything and is afraid of hurting me. I told him that if this is going to get better I need all details I need, all the information that I can handle or think I need to know. So far he is being compliant. He has guilt over it, over making a single mother, over hurting me and the whole situation and I said I knew that and that it will take time but we will heal eventually. I've never been more assertive and confident in my decisions.

He says I have all the power and I told him that's not how I want it to be but for right now, I need to know everything and I need to build back that trust.

I really want my life back and I will get it but it will be a little different and hopefully better. I am hopeful!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2009
Thu, 08-27-2009 - 6:55pm

HI Tess,


DNA testing and a good attorney is great advice.

T.J.

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