Not sure how to handle this or what I'm feeling. Betrayed and disgusted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2008
Not sure how to handle this or what I'm feeling. Betrayed and disgusted.
13
Wed, 11-09-2011 - 9:25am

I have recently found a sex ad placed by my husband.

Pages

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

I understand what is happening.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Shannon- your husband sounds like a sex addict. And like any addict he will do whatever it takes to get his fix. He will lie, manipulate and risk everything for his fix. Even you, even the kids. Because if he was thinking about you and the kids he wouldn't be doing what he is doing.

He does it in secret because he knows that what he is doing is wrong. He wants his cake and he wants to be able to eat it too.

I think many men equate closeness and connection with sex. We want to talk, to be held. We want help around the house and with the kids. My husband use to grope me too and like you it just pissed me off and he felt rejected so we both walked away unhappy.

I think all of us felt such a melting pot of emotion upon discovery of our spouses betrayel. None of them were good- sadness, rage, disappointment, disgust, frustration, confusion, etc, the list goes on. The list hurts, physically. For me what helped the very most was to just put a plan in place and move forward with the plan. Because you have children, (like myself) it wasn't so easy to tell him to hit the road. But you do have options, choices.

Go see an attorney ASAP. Get tested for STDs ASAP. Make sure you have access to money. Ask your husband to leave if you can't stand to be in the same house. A a minimum he can hit the couch while you are trapped. Tell him things gotta change. In order for you to even try, give him your ultimatum list. The worst that can happen already has, he has lost just about every privilege he once had. So he has to earn it all back and even then it will never be the same.

Cheaters don't seem to tell the whole truth. They tell you only what they think they have to. They think that by withholding they are protecting you, but they don't realize the damage has been done and for them to further insult you with more lies just ticks you off more. Your gut is the most valuable weapon you have in your arsenal. If you feel something is wrong or not just quite right, then something is wrong and not right. You cannot "trust" in anything he says right now. Many think to use their same old tricks to "get out of" this little tiff you are in, but they don't realize that you are done. The road has to stop here.

Alot of your future depends on him and what he is willing to do. He needs professional help to break down his walls of addiction. He cannot be a husband, a father or even a friend to himself until he gets rid of that monkey on his back. You can't fix that, he has to.

Love is not enough for any relationship. We all learn this once we get thru the honeymoon. Your husband likes that spark and feeling of connection that can only be felt with someone new. he simply hasn't grown up and still wants that. You on the other hand started out as a girlfriend, moved on to be a wife within a marriage to becoming a mother responsible for three little people who depend on you for everything. Your husband probably doesn't see it this way and he just hasn't figured it out. What is really important in life and what it means to truly be a parent. His priorities are still revolving around himself with his wants and needs and the truth is the moment your first child was born, his wants should have become secondary. I agree that the marriage should be the primary relationship, but it is very hard to stay on track, together when the person who has to do the most changing was you.

We are here for you, can truly empathize with what you are going thru. Goodluck, take the best of care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008

it seems to me he is trying to keep you distracted and make light of the situation, sweep it under the rug so to speak

at the same time he is saying things to justify his actions (not!)

you have to go through the emotions you are feeling, take the time you need

I would assume that much more has gone on than he is willing to tell you too

you should get tested for std's and consult a lawyer (so he knows this is serious)

think about what you need and want

peace & strength to you

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2011

As I was reading this I was thinking.....that's my situation...did I write this? You are having the exact same problems I have

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

Your case sounds like complete breakdown of communications.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009

with all due respect.

does the term MAN UP ring a bell?

men need this, men need that, men want this, men want that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009

well i do not believe in the sex addict thing, and i do not believe in the ' men just need to be men ' thing.

you know when i was 21 i had long blonde hair, a rock hard body, and was one hot chick.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

IMO this is not a case of greener pastures but a way of getting the emotional input that he is missing.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009

the gift is to be matched - da**, that is why coming to this board at this stage in my life is sometimes so hard.

i thought in the beginning that he and i were.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008

You have a problem.

 

Pages