Not sure where to start........

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2009
Not sure where to start........
Wed, 06-24-2009 - 2:56pm

Im not sure where to start or what to even say.....I suppose the truth from the beginning of what little I know is better than nothing. I'm just at a loss and all I feel is hatred toward my husband right now. I don't feel love for him at all and I suppose that is because I feel so ashamed and betrayed and like somehow I caused him to stray....... thanks in advance for reading and I am really sorry if this ends up being a way to long post!

Im 30 and my husband is 34...we married 10 1/2 years ago I was 19 and he was 23. I had gotten PG within the first 3 months of marriage and that ended in mc. Our life since then up til maybe a year or so ago had been a blur of different dr's and appts and still not being able to conceive! He never talked about it or his feeling and all i could do it cry and cry and cry some more. My world was focused on becoming PG!!! I just wanted a family with the man that meant so much to me. Everything was timed and charted and our personal life in the bedroom well was no longer personal!

About this time last year I noticed he was going outside alot in the evenings after 9pm to use his cell phone.....I had a phone of my own and living in the country at this time we got pretty crappy reception! So I didn't really think much of it said he was talking to his family or a friend or whatever. I didn't much care he was working 12 hour days with the paychecks to prove it so I figured whats a few latenight calls thru the week! This went on for a few months until we switched to a better provider and then he was makin up excuses to go on walks or go to town or he would get "called in early" by a couple hours......again I didn't think much of it as I didn't notice or was to blind to see things were off.......By October he had lost his job and we went down to a prepaid cell phone and 1 contract phone. I was still working my full-time job and was buying a $15 prepaid card about every 3 days.....he said it was because he was calling around for work and texting me on my lunch that sorta thing.....still nothing clicked. Then one night he went for a walk and was gone for maybe 10 minutes and his phone beeped.....he had a text message. It was from a woman asking how much longer til he calls her and if he was still at his mom's heart dropped! I text back no im home and she called!!!! I answered and she asked to speak with my husband and I said im sorry he left for a walk and she replied will you tell him "Dana" called....i said yes i can do that, does he have your number? She said he should we've been dating for a couple months now! I said excuse me dating ummmm your aware he is married right....she went silent then hung up! I immediately went and pulled up the text/ calling history for his pre paid cell and they would text over 100 times a day!!!!! I confronted him and he said it was just a buddy from work and they were just joking around. I should add that both he and the girl claim to never have met! So he said if it would make me happy he would change his phone # so he did...........

Fast forward to Christmas time he supposable found a job that was working midnights. He wasn't getting checks and said it was a new company and that things were just delayed. I believed him for a short period time. This went like this for maybe 3-4 months.......he'd bring home a little money here and there and that was it.....then I noticed his unemployment money was being used in a city around 3 hours away on days he had to "work"..........he'd come home and lost his coat and then another time he said he was in a car accident and that's why he didn't contact me for 2 days!!!!! So he came home after the "accident" and I told him we needed to talk....I asked him flat out if he was having an affair he said no.....I said well we aint been intimate in more than 3 months so your gettin it somewhere!! Then a few days later I get a call on my cell from a woman.....said she seen my number on his phone when he ran in to the store with her kids and she waited in the car and noticed how many times I had called and wanted to know why I was "MESSING WITH HER MAN"! I told her he was married and that she was having an affair with my husband and she said that "he warned me about his psyco ex wife"!!!! I said look it up its public record of divorce and marriage in this state and gave her the website....she ended the relationship with him then called to inform me that it was over with him and that they had an intimate relationship and were engaged and even sent the ring to my house! It was my original engagement ring from 1999!!!! He still denies ever knowing this woman let alone spending the night with her and I have pics she sent and everything! She said she met him thru an online singles I found his profile and deleted it!

Currently I am takin him back and forth to work daily and he has no cell phone at all! I stop on his breaks and even arrive early just to check to see where he is and who he is with! I am the only one with a cell and canceled the landline also. He is also getting his check deposited into my sole checking account. I then deposit money into the joint account for bills and such. I feel like he should have no right to have access to any of the accounts because he was spending our money on "her"! I cannot trust him and still havent gotten the truth outta him. We are just barely civil enough to live in the same house. I sleep in the master bedroom and he sleeps on the couch! He finally did come to me the other day saying he made a terrible mistake and he was sorry and that he wanted our marriage back. I just don't know if I can do that.

Where do I or we go from here? I've been seeking counseling on my own since I found out about "her". What do I do. I hate to give up completely but then again I think i already have!

Thanks and sorry so long!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2006
Wed, 06-24-2009 - 3:56pm
Hi sorry that you find yourself in this situation, but there are lots of people here who can offer great advice and insight into this mess.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Wed, 06-24-2009 - 4:09pm

Angie, I'm so sorry you have to be here but be aware that you are in a place where we're all too familiar with the pain you're experiencing and this is a place of support. Please feel free here to post in order to vent, complain, question, or seek support. Someone here has experienced every variation of A imaginable, has BTDT, and can offer useful advice.

First off, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!! Something is broken within him, he must be willing to fix it. Yes, there are probably aspects of your M that you need to work on as well, but you didn't decide to step outside your vows, to lie, cheat, and deceive. Counseling is important, you both need it.

He says he wants to make it right, that's a good sign. Often the WS doesn't want to admit to any fault at first and sometimes never. Hold him to it. He needs to become an open book, not because you're a super sleuth but because he's willing to prove to you that he's reforming himself. Think about what that means. Open cell phone, prior knowledge of his activities, answers to whatever questions you need answered, whatever. Really, this is something that applies to both of you even though you've been faithful. You're building a M on SAFETY now instead of BLIND TRUST and you need to have rules that reflect that. Can I tell my S about what I'm about to do? No? Then I stop. Don't put yourself in a position to be unfaithful and you won't be.

Here is a very important tool for you in this difficult time. The 180 list will help you make good decisions, take care of yourself, and project confidence even though your entire world is in the blender and you're afraid of the spinning blades. Some additional helpful links are here , and here

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Eat right, sleep, exercise. You don't want to do any of these things but force yourself to the best of your ability. Your body is under attack by stress. Your body supports your mind. Take care of yourself so you can survive this awful situation. Better times are ahead if you make it happen. It's what you deserve.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2009
Thu, 06-25-2009 - 11:53am
I have to say that if I were in your position, I would be done with him. It's not just the infidelity. He lied to both you and the OW, spent money on her when you were the one working, gave her YOUR engagement ring (!), and still won't admit knowing her after all
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 06-25-2009 - 5:13pm

Is your H truly sorry for what he did or just sorry he got caught?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2009
Thu, 06-25-2009 - 6:26pm
I'm so sorry that you are here because of an A.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2009
Fri, 06-26-2009 - 12:39pm

Thank you all so much for your kind replys and links. I just now was able to log on here today and am gonna start checking out the links! My therapist has said that the A wasn't and isn't my fault......somehow I have trouble believing it some days I only blame myself other days my mind is more together and I KNOW it wasn't my fault and that I AM NOT the one that stepped out of the marriage and I didn't hold a gun to his head so to speak and make him do it!!! Right now I am just to angry and hurt to decide what I want but yet in other aspects I think I have kinda made up my mind. I mean I have already just within the last few days canceled our joint checking and opened up a checking of my own. I already had my own savings but I like to use checking accounts to pay all the big bills so I have a receipt sorta. I am putting all of my money in my accounts and giving him none of it! I work to hard to have my money spent on someone else! He did give me money from his check today and I told him I didn't want or need his money althou his portion of it woulda made it alot easier and comfortable for me to pay the rent!!! I was already tested for std's just a few days ago but haven't gotten any of the results back....I waited simply because I already had a well woman appointment made and didn't want the added expense of an extra dr visit lurking around the corner. I am sleeping in a seperate room and come and go as I please. I took off my wedding rings as to me now they don't mean a thing! I mean he broke everything they meant and stand for!!!! I also took my original engagement ring to a pawn shop I couldn't stand to look at it! I just have no trust in him! I must still love him deep down as this has affected me so much! I can't picture my life without him even in the mess it is in however I know I cannot handle having this happen again!

Im not sure if he is truely sorry for cheating or just sorry he was caught! In the beggining he denied everything! Now he just tells me some things and denies others. He is adament that he didn't sleep with OW althou he now just as of last night admitted to just needing someone to talk to because he didn't feel he could talk to me! As far as I am concerned thats a bunch of bull! I guess I am hoping that the counseling will help me find myself and what I truely want. I haven't had that many visits but I am happy with what little progress I am making. Now the therapist wants to get me and him in the same room and I can't hardly stand to look at him right now let alone listen to him lie to me and the therapist. He has said he wanted to seek marriage counseling thou. I suggested he start w/o me as I just am not ready yet to go there. It just feels unsafe right now. My whole life just feels up in the air and unsafe right now!

Then lastnight he suggests we start sleeping in the same bed and start acting as a normal H and W! I don't want to act. He says it will help up with making up but only his telling the truth is gonna help at this point! I gave him a box of tissues and some lotion and told him to go make up with himself...........

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Sat, 06-27-2009 - 1:49am

Good for you Angie,

It takes guts to get thru an A.