Not sure where to start........
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|Wed, 06-24-2009 - 2:56pm|
Im not sure where to start or what to even say.....I suppose the truth from the beginning of what little I know is better than nothing. I'm just at a loss and all I feel is hatred toward my husband right now. I don't feel love for him at all and I suppose that is because I feel so ashamed and betrayed and like somehow I caused him to stray....... thanks in advance for reading and I am really sorry if this ends up being a way to long post!
Im 30 and my husband is 34...we married 10 1/2 years ago I was 19 and he was 23. I had gotten PG within the first 3 months of marriage and that ended in mc. Our life since then up til maybe a year or so ago had been a blur of different dr's and appts and still not being able to conceive! He never talked about it or his feeling and all i could do it cry and cry and cry some more. My world was focused on becoming PG!!! I just wanted a family with the man that meant so much to me. Everything was timed and charted and our personal life in the bedroom well was no longer personal!
About this time last year I noticed he was going outside alot in the evenings after 9pm to use his cell phone.....I had a phone of my own and living in the country at this time we got pretty crappy reception! So I didn't really think much of it said he was talking to his family or a friend or whatever. I didn't much care he was working 12 hour days with the paychecks to prove it so I figured whats a few latenight calls thru the week! This went on for a few months until we switched to a better provider and then he was makin up excuses to go on walks or go to town or he would get "called in early" by a couple hours......again I didn't think much of it as I didn't notice or was to blind to see things were off.......By October he had lost his job and we went down to a prepaid cell phone and 1 contract phone. I was still working my full-time job and was buying a $15 prepaid card about every 3 days.....he said it was because he was calling around for work and texting me on my lunch that sorta thing.....still nothing clicked. Then one night he went for a walk and was gone for maybe 10 minutes and his phone beeped.....he had a text message. It was from a woman asking how much longer til he calls her and if he was still at his mom's house.....my heart dropped! I text back no im home and she called!!!! I answered and she asked to speak with my husband and I said im sorry he left for a walk and she replied will you tell him "Dana" called....i said yes i can do that, does he have your number? She said he should we've been dating for a couple months now! I said excuse me dating ummmm your aware he is married right....she went silent then hung up! I immediately went and pulled up the text/ calling history for his pre paid cell and they would text over 100 times a day!!!!! I confronted him and he said it was just a buddy from work and they were just joking around. I should add that both he and the girl claim to never have met! So he said if it would make me happy he would change his phone # so he did...........
Fast forward to Christmas time he supposable found a job that was working midnights. He wasn't getting checks and said it was a new company and that things were just delayed. I believed him for a short period time. This went like this for maybe 3-4 months.......he'd bring home a little money here and there and that was it.....then I noticed his unemployment money was being used in a city around 3 hours away on days he had to "work"..........he'd come home and lost his coat and then another time he said he was in a car accident and that's why he didn't contact me for 2 days!!!!! So he came home after the "accident" and I told him we needed to talk....I asked him flat out if he was having an affair he said no.....I said well we aint been intimate in more than 3 months so your gettin it somewhere!! Then a few days later I get a call on my cell from a woman.....said she seen my number on his phone when he ran in to the store with her kids and she waited in the car and noticed how many times I had called and wanted to know why I was "MESSING WITH HER MAN"! I told her he was married and that she was having an affair with my husband and she said that "he warned me about his psyco ex wife"!!!! I said look it up its public record of divorce and marriage in this state and gave her the website....she ended the relationship with him then called to inform me that it was over with him and that they had an intimate relationship and were engaged and even sent the ring to my house! It was my original engagement ring from 1999!!!! He still denies ever knowing this woman let alone spending the night with her and I have pics she sent and everything! She said she met him thru an online singles group....plentyoffish.com. I found his profile and deleted it!
Currently I am takin him back and forth to work daily and he has no cell phone at all! I stop on his breaks and even arrive early just to check to see where he is and who he is with! I am the only one with a cell and canceled the landline also. He is also getting his check deposited into my sole checking account. I then deposit money into the joint account for bills and such. I feel like he should have no right to have access to any of the accounts because he was spending our money on "her"! I cannot trust him and still havent gotten the truth outta him. We are just barely civil enough to live in the same house. I sleep in the master bedroom and he sleeps on the couch! He finally did come to me the other day saying he made a terrible mistake and he was sorry and that he wanted our marriage back. I just don't know if I can do that.
Where do I or we go from here? I've been seeking counseling on my own since I found out about "her". What do I do. I hate to give up completely but then again I think i already have!
Thanks and sorry so long!