Now What???? It didn't end!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2009
Now What???? It didn't end!
8
Wed, 04-29-2009 - 11:56am

We are talking about an EA.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 04-29-2009 - 3:13pm
So far there has been no downside to your H's behavior.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2009
Wed, 04-29-2009 - 3:37pm

Thank you Lily.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2009
Sat, 05-02-2009 - 11:16pm

You're right for not going to counseling. The cheaters use that to their advantage. They realize that they just have to put on a good show of being committed to the marriage and use some of the buzz words and dog ear and read just a few pages of any books recommended in case the counselor asks them about what they thought of the book, etc. The whole time they are using the counseling

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2008
Mon, 05-04-2009 - 2:26pm

Hi confuseddragonfly,

So sorry about your situation, but I was intrigued by your question of "why didn't it end?" because I had the same question. Yes, after twenty-three years of marriage, I found out about an affair he had been having for two years with someone fifteen years his junior. So while we were supposed to be working things out, I activated a GPS on his phone and caught him at her place one night and a few months after that, he admitted he was still communicating with her and that was the last straw for me. Just like your husband, mine wanted me to make the decision and I did--I moved out with our boys. I realized he "played" me for almost a year and I think that hurt more than finding out about the betrayal. We lost our business, our house and our family is completely torn apart--but he is still with her and I think that is all he cares about. I couldn't grasp what kind of person does this to their family?? Certainly not the guy who claims to love and protect us?? Yes--he's the one. I am still trying to get my life straightened out and eventually I will. I hope and pray that you can do the same. I think it helps to know that you are not alone, and believe me, you are not.
God Bless.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2009
Mon, 05-04-2009 - 7:19pm

I am very sad to hear about your situation too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Tue, 05-05-2009 - 1:07am
This already IS an affair, an emotional affair.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2009
Tue, 05-05-2009 - 9:13am

Thank you for putting it into perspective.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Tue, 05-05-2009 - 10:03am

"So far there has been no downside to your H's behavior."

I thought about this thread for a while and I think this is right on the money. I think the downside comes in a variety of ways. Anywhere from being tossed to the street to having to sit and watch your spouse come completely unraveled. I use to be this stone wall of emotion. There was normal me, angry me and laughing me. That's it. When I started crying on D Day my spouse thought to herself, "good, now he knows how I feel." When I could not stop crying for literally hours at a time, it gave her pause, when i didn't stop crying for six months, she admitted that she made a really big mistake.

What she did to me was ever-present. She didn't mind hurting me. But she never intended to absolutely crush me. And in a lot of ways, having to face "that," was "that" really big downside for her. Combined with having to face the reality that I wasn't going to move out and if she was going to continue her actions, she would have to leave me and the kids and find an apartment. And do what? Sleep with married men? She thought she could have it all. Me, the kids, the men. When she faced losing two of the three, it shook her out of the fog. Ironically, she is a good person. She was just a good person who got herself in way over her head.

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Sorting Things Out.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.