obsessing over no answers to my questions

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2012
obsessing over no answers to my questions
Fri, 12-14-2012 - 3:19pm

hello.  why do i feel like the world is over?  i have been so badly cheated on that i can't even breath.  i have a freaking phd, make good money, we have two great and successful kids, yet this man felt the need to satisfy himself elsewhere.  I just want to smash his face in.  in my spare time all i do is search the internet (social media sites or trying to crack his passcodes).  I am truly pitiful.  how can i move on with some semblence of sanity? why do i love and hate him so intensely at the same time?


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2002
Sat, 12-22-2012 - 11:18pm

Hello I'm new to his board, just reading for my own support. Its still fresh, thats why your doing that. But you need to focus on what you can do to keep your sanity. Read Tips and advice to help u cope over and over if you have to. I started with a good easy funny but true book called"" Its called a break up because its broken""

Its only been 3 weeks for me, an Im working on it hard!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sat, 12-15-2012 - 9:37pm
Peter Familia is right, the more you ask/find out, the more tortured you really are. You have the right to ask and demand any details you wish, but understand some of it could easily become even more of an obsession than it currently is. I'm living proof of that, there are details I now wish I had never found out, and mine didn't get physical, as far as I know. Some I found out without even trying, things that literally plopped into my lap, but the result was the same - I have driven myself half crazy with it all. Be sure what you want to know and let him know what you do NOT want to know - ever, and then don't change your mind. Nobody has the right to cheat, it's a choice they make, knowing if you find out it'll halfway kill you, but selfishness is the hallmark of it all. That love/hate thing? Most of us say the same thing, how could you feel any other way? Nothing wrong with YOU, this is ALL ON HIM. Dear Abby had a major blurb today about people chiming in on a previous column about a man who cheated and how they all agreed he had no right. You're still bleeding, so I hope you will find a good, sympathetic therapist to help you right from the start. Not getting help is the worst thing you can do right now.


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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sat, 12-15-2012 - 5:03pm


  I think I can shed light on your questions.

      " why do i feel like the world is over?"

       One is cultural conditioning.  What you learned of how it is supposed to be.  2nd. Your universe has been altered.

 In reality a therapist may help you re-center.  I noticed your writing was about academic,child raising,but not the relationship.  Each couple has a different dynamic.  We can look at what we have read and what we have experienced seen thru the filter of our experiences,values,choices,beliefs and personal outcomes.  In other words we are not you. 

  "why do i love and hate him so intensely at the same time?"

       Those emotions are the same coin. Exploring this is a place for you and a professional therapist.

  There are no hard and fast rules. 


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2012
Fri, 12-14-2012 - 9:21pm
Unfortunately I do not have an answer or am anywhere near as successful as you, but you just described exactly how I am feeling and I am sorry for what you are going through. Hope you can move past this situation and that there are better tomorrows!
Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Fri, 12-14-2012 - 8:01pm

What you are doing is so very normal. I would spend hours searching the Internet looking for information. I’m four years out and occasionally have to talk myself down from doing it again. This is called self-torture. If you can keep from doing this, it will be better for you. 

Have you asked yourself what it is that you really want to know? Consider that there are some things that in a few years, you will wish you didn’t know. 

Can I offer some advice from someone that’s been there? What you should know, and what you deserve to know, and what will be helpful to know is actually really small.

Who is it?

When did it start?

Has it ended?

When did it end?

Did they touch?

Did they have sex?

Was it protected sex or not?

You deserve, and should, know all of the above answers. Period. He should come clean with all of this or he should be shown the door. No excuses. 

Anything beyond this, I would seriously consider talking to a shrink before pushing your spouse to tell you. This is self-preservation I’m talking about. In the end, you deserve to know anything you wish to know. But some information is more harmful than helpful to know.

You have a Ph. D.? Then I got something for you, actual scholarship on this subject. I read this book like five times. It is called “Getting Past the Affair.” I pored over like ten books and this was the one that had real solutions. I got my copy from Amazon and had it fedexed to my home. Saved my life! Several scholars on the subject with real answers for you AND your spouse. You of all people will get what I'm saying.

I’m so sorry. You’re not alone. Don’t do this alone either.

My Best



We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.