So tomorrow is 2 weeks since Dday.
I can answer the question in regards to the kids:
I would say do not tell the kids anything unless you really think they are suspicious.
Hi, sorry you have to be here with us. Your questions are good and I think I can offer my opinion on a couple of them based on all I have learned through being on this board over two years and suffering through two ddays.
IMO the best outcomes are when the affair was shorter AND it died its own natural death before the dday even occurs. I have seen quite a few stories of the BS having to go through more than one dday if the A was still going on when the WS is confronted. APs get addicted to the highs of the affair and even though they may say the A is over and they want their marriage, they often have relapses and end up back in contact with the OM/OW. I have lurked on the MAS board and see that
I never told my four young children about my H's A or what was going on with us. Protecting them and their relationship with their dad was a high priority for me. I did not want them growing up with the knowledge that their dad had had an A. They had already been hurt enough by his actions, I wouldn't contribute more to their pain and confusion. I also believe that finding out something so terrible about their parent would negatively impact their entire life.
I did my best to be myself when they were around. Although, at times they did see me cry and I was sometimes short tempered with them. I knew that my strange behavior would be short lived and I was willing to risk that my behavior was something they would and could get over. An A is something that once you know about it never ever goes away.
When they asked why I was crying, I would explain that I was just feeling really sad and that soon I would be okay again. My parents moved out of state right after I discovered the A so I used their move as a reason for this sadness. I assured them that I loved them and that they in no way were the cause of my sadness.
More than 3 years past D-day, I am very glad I never told them. They are once again very, very close to their father and me, their lives are carefree and they are thriving.
Will I tell them in the future? No. Telling them that their father had an A will serve no positive purpose in their lives. It won't prevent them from having their own A and it won't protect them from being hurt by an A. I will do my best to share the knowledge that I've learned from the A in hopes that they can avoid a similar fate in their own adult relationships.
Thank you everyone for responding!
Our relationship up until the point of discovery had never shown any signs of conflict or other issues to anyone including me or our children. We appeared to be a very happy couple, so I decided that it was best not to tell our children unless it really looked like we would separate or divorce. I also told my husband when he would talk of leaving that he would be the one to tell them, not me. I hadn't done anything to drive us to the point of breaking up the family and I wasn't going to be the one to break their hearts.
Had our relationship been more volatile before the discovery of the A, I may have had a different view on what they needed to know.