Only a week past Dday..still struggleing

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2010
Only a week past Dday..still struggleing
3
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 3:47pm

My Dday was a week ago today. The OW is the one that made sure to tell me. My husband had told her that day that the one time they were together a week before was a mistake and would never happen again. He told her he would not talk to her again or see her again. We had some things stored in her garage and he told her they would be out within the next 2 days. She told him that she would tell me about what they did and that he would come running to her after I threw him out. All of this on text messages. That night she started texting him again and me as well. He denied it all at first but then finally did admit it when he knew I was not going to back off at all and he had no choice. I then started going through his phone and saw the whole thing. I was never the jealous type so he didnt bother to even try to hide it! She told me that she owed no apology since she was honest and that he should have known what would happen if he was alone with a woman that hadnt been with a man for a while. She had actually come on to him several times in the prior months but he told her no. He said that it was flattering though for her to pursue him. He is about to turn 50 and he said it just felt good even if it made him feel guilty. She is the mother of our 17 yo son's gf for about a year now. She would ask my H to come and fix things. We did feel obligated since she stored some things for us in her garage and she charged us nothing. But I had a bad feeling about her. I should have listened more to my gut!

He is a recovering alcoholic and lapsed for 2 weeks. He was hiding it from me and drinking over at her house when replacing the bathroom plumbing in her house. In the two weeks the A happened he said they kissed a couple of times. Then the final day he was over there he drank alot. He said that he slept with her that day. He knew immediately he really had gone off the deep end. He went to a meeting that night and every day after. He avoided her calls for the next week. She actually told our son then that they were "seeing each other. Because and she was no liar she was going to let me know about it. My son was devastated! He confronted his father and my H told him there was NOT going to be any relationship with her. He had no intention of leaving me or anything like that and would be doing everything in his power to keep us together!

My son now hates her..the relationship with his gf is strained to say the least. My H and I are trying to put the pieces together the best we can. I hate being alone as well. That is why I searched for this board. No one knows but me, my H and unfortunately our son. My daughters and our youngest have no idea and that is how I want to keep it. It is not as hard since they are grown and live on their own. Our youngest is 10 but he is unaware.

I am struggling so hard with this. I feel like I will boil over at any moment. I know it was very short lived and I even get why it happened, but it makes things no easier. I know he is sorry. I do... I know he loves me..I also believe him when he tells me he hates her for hurting his family. He also knows that he is responsible for giving her the power to do that. He was the one that did this.

He now calls me on every break at work. Calls me as soon as he starts home and comes straight home. It is hard for him since he feels like he is "checking in" but he does understand why it is so important. He just keeps telling me that we will get through this and he loves me with all his heart. I have to admit that I am just now getting to the point where I am listening to him at all.

When we got married it was for better or worse. I just hope we can get back to the better. I love this man. I know he isnt perfect. Im not either. We just have to make sure we are strong enough so that this can never happen again.

I am glad I found this board. I really needed to get this out. Like I said, no one else knows about it and I would be so humiliated if they did. People are so quick to judge and tell you to leave. They hold grudges as well. As angry as I am at my H, I am not in the mood for my family or friends to bash him. He is human and he has made a horrible mistake. Until a person walks in the shoes of another, it is hard to understand. I can actually understand why it was so flattering to him. I have put myself in his shoes and I can see how he would feel that way. Especially when I know he has been struggling with his age. Falling off the wagon didnt help either. She was aware he was an alcoholic too.

I think she is a lonely pathetic excuse of a woman that wants a man to take care of her. She is losing her house and has been unemployed for a while. My husband does make pretty good money and she knows that. He is also a very handsome man. I know that and believe me my friends have commented on this so it isnt just in the eye of the beholder. I still cant come to grips with her behavior since it was so manipulative. I am thankful atleast that she can no longer have children or I believe she would claim pregancy next.

He recognizes that he was manipulated but he also sees that he gave her that power and he made the wrong choices. That he was the one that cheated. I just pray each day and night that I can get past it somehow and we can come out better and stronger in the end. So atleast SOMETHING positive can come from it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Wed, 05-12-2010 - 6:08pm
This is never easy. Take it day by day and step for step. Dont make any "rash" decisions. hang in there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2010
Wed, 05-12-2010 - 10:44am
Thank you...I hope I am. I am trying. I had a melt down last night but am recovering today. I haven't hurt like this except for when my father died.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Wed, 05-12-2010 - 9:47am
Hugs. It looks like your going through some really rough things right now. Just take one day at a time. Your doing great though. We are all here for you.