ooouuuuccchhh!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2013
ooouuuuccchhh!!!
2
Sun, 01-27-2013 - 9:20pm

How long does this excruciating pain last?  I know it takes years to get over an affair, but how long until I can breath again?  Until the panic attacks stop?  The hate.  The paralysis that keeps me from taking proper care of the baby? The actual physical pain that makes me not able to read or watch tv or distract myself in any way?  I know it hurts, maybe forever, but how long before that initial impact start to quell?  It's been a week and I think it's actually getting worse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Wed, 01-30-2013 - 12:19am

A week is nothing....you're still BLEEDING.  Whether it's an emotional or physical affair, the betrayal just cuts you to the bone.  You wrote nothing that sounds the least bit unusual, I think it's safe to say we all go thru that emotional roller coaster and how long it lasts is how long it lasts.  Some seem to handle it faster than others, but who cares about that - you're you and it takes as long as it takes.  Try not to worry about that for now, for now it's a matter of just getting out of bed in the morning, it's one day at a time.  You need counseling, I'm sure you know that.  Nobody here is a therapist that I know of, so although we can offer you first-hand feedback, a therapist often can, as well - they're just people, too, many of whom have been stung by infidelity just like you have.  For now that damned tape just keeps playing in your head, and with every new detail it plays over from the start a dozen more times.  Just know one thing from the get-go:  no matter what HE might have to say, him cheating had NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.  Nothing at all.  Some of them basically try to say "see what you made me do" one way or another, but it's ludicrous - he did what he simply wanted to do, he had many other choices to fix what's really ailing him, but what he chose was an affair, it was a pathetic choice, and he knew it would hurt you but just didn't care about that at the moment.  I think if you can get yourself out of the house to see a therapist it could definitely help you to see the reality of things and learn now is not the time to make any big decisions, you have enough on your plate as it is.  Keep posting, many "aha moments" take place here.  You've joined a club none of us wanted to be a member of.....

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2012
Mon, 01-28-2013 - 1:29pm

Applejacks, I am so sorry you are going through this! First off what you are experiencing unfortunately is totally normal. I would describe my first few weeks the exact same way, I felt like a crazy person, I sat in my car one day for 6 hours just paralyzed and crying, the next day I left my car door wide open in a very busy city with my purse sitting on the seat! The crying the rage the pain consumed every second of my days. I desperately searched the internet trying to figure out a way to make the pain go away immediately; unfortunately I never found an article with the cure. Like you the first week I was in complete shock, the next week is when my mind finally grasped what was happening to me and that was when the true pain came. Applejacks you will get through this, the pain will lessen, I know you want an immediate fix and I wish I could offer you one, but please take comfort in that many women/men have unfortunately gone through this exact pain and the majority of us are in a much better place now. You need to talk to someone, I wouldn’t recommend a friend or family member at the moment (you may regret it later) but possibly find a therapist. I literally called a therapist an hour after I found out and was at his office the next day. He helped me very much, he explained that what I was going through the next day was basically shock and he guided me through it, the following week I saw him 4 days in a row because I literally thought I was going insane! At this point you need to not make any quick decisions about divorce or staying together, the only thing you need to concentrate on right now is taking care of yourself so you can take care of your baby that is #1!!!! I was so sad I couldn’t figure out anything that would make me happy so I just forced myself to go places and do things that would normally make me happy, some worked some didn't. The point is that you need you and you need to heal yourself before you can even begin to discuss healing a broken relationship. I promise you it will get easier you won't always feel like this, I know that's a hard pill to swallow when you are in such immediate pain, but it's true! Just try and breathe and know that in 6 months, 1 year from now it won't be as bad as it is now. Again I am so sorry you are going through this, and I wish you the best