The OW is?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
The OW is?
11
Thu, 03-26-2009 - 4:54pm

It’s been almost 11 months since I found out (D-Day) and I handled a lot of the situation badly.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2008
In reply to: thoughtson
Thu, 03-26-2009 - 7:02pm

gee, you have painted a very unflattering picture of her, justified or not, i don't know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-1999
In reply to: thoughtson
Thu, 03-26-2009 - 8:17pm

Hi,


While I can certainly sympathize with you, I think you need to concentrate on your husband, not the OW. You have painted the picture that your husband is almost a "victim" of this woman. Your husband didn't do anything he didn't want to do. Don't blame her- blame him. "I feel sorry for my husband to have undured this humiliation". You have got to be kidding me. And it wasn't a "mistake"- it was a "choice". How is it that you seem to know so much about what this OW feels and thinks? That's a lot of assuming, don't you think? Sorry if I am harsh but it pisses me off big time that you as a wife are willing to blame the OW so readily and blaming her instead of your husband.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
In reply to: thoughtson
Fri, 03-27-2009 - 12:39am

It's pretty stupid when any of them even TRIES to convince us that "it just happened".

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2008
In reply to: thoughtson
Fri, 03-27-2009 - 10:11am
That's one bizarre post.
Avatar for moondesert
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: thoughtson
Fri, 03-27-2009 - 10:38am

Yeah that really was a weird post.

I agree with the first 2 replies. The husband is the one that cheated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
In reply to: thoughtson
Fri, 03-27-2009 - 11:05am

Hi thoughtson-

Hmm... I think my first impression from your post is a bit different then the other replies you've received here, but it is related. What struck me more about it was that it seemed to me you might be blaming YOURSELF too much, in relation to him. I totally agree that both spouses share the responsibility for any problems that existed in the marriage before the affair. BUT- only one decided to deal with that by CHEATING.

My situation was similar to yours in that, my H and I had also gone through a period of time not long before his affair where one extremely stressful thing after another happened in our lives. His mother was sick with cancer and then passed away. Not even 3 months later, his grandmother passed away. Less than a month after that MY mother had a severe grand mal seizure out of the blue and we find out she not only had a benign brain tumor that had to be removed, but also multiple sclerosis. Once she was out of the hospital I had to begin helping to take care of her, and about a month later my H lost the job he loved because the plant closed and left the country. He was laid off for awhile, then took a job for less pay than he'd made before and he hated it.

He shut me out while he was grieving, and he was repressing anger he had towards his mother (wouldn't let himself be angry with her because she was dead), and he turned that onto me. I had started working more hours at my regular job and was also working harder at a small business that I started not long before in order to try to do what I "should" to help out my family and make up for his lower income. He resented and was jealous that I was making more money per hour than he was. When I would spend time helping out my mother, he resented THAT because it took away my complete attention from HIM. But if *I* were to complain that I was stressed about trying to fit in taking care of my mother, then he would say, "At least your mother is still ALIVE". I just couldn't win with him. Whatever I did wasn't "right", or "good enough" for him. And now I realize that this was more because he wasn't happy within himself, not so much that I had done something so terrible.

We ended up in counseling for a few months where we were having MC, and he was getting individual counseling with the same therapist. Once we started going, I did start speaking up for myself, and not always in the sweetest of ways. And this was actually encouraged by our counselor. I can look back on it now and there are of course lots of things that I wished I had done differently. I of course played my part in the marital problems. But at the same time I have forgiven MYSELF, because I realize hindsight is 20-20, and I've never had a crystal ball, so all I could do back then was the best that I could. And it also hasn't escaped me that no matter what I did back then, even when I was making mistakes, I was always thinking of my H. Always considered him in any decisions I was making. Unfortunately when he had his affair, I can't say the same thing for him.

So basically, I do take responsibility for my part in the marital problems, but I will NEVER take ANY responsibility for HIS affair. We were both going through rough times, were both in the same marriage, and he's the only one that chose to cheat. I didn't consider cheating an option. I had panic attacks instead, from all of the stress. I don't consider marital problems an excuse for, or reason to cheat. If things were SO bad with the marriage itself, they could have LEFT first! Mine didn't really want to give me up completely. He just wanted something that would make things better for HIM. It was a completely selfish thing to do, and he chose a poor coping method. When only one spouse cheats, there is something else that is coming into other than marital problems, in my opinion. The reason that one spouse cheats and not the other is, because there is something else going on within the wayward spouse. Something within them that they need to address, something that led them toward choosing to CHEAT, rather than the other options they had available to them.

So we were in counseling for a few months, and basically I think he was getting scared about delving deeper into some things that the counselor was beginning to touch on and address, and this happened around the same time that he first met the OW and was presented with an opportunity to have an affair.

Maybe when I was reading your post I didn't "catch" that you were blaming the OW, or see it that way, because some of what you said rang some bells for me too. The OW in my case turned out to be someone that has a long history of having affairs with married men in order to scam them out of money. She's married herself, and I even have good reason to believe that her H is IN on it- they do this to get money to support their drug habits. Where you were talking about the OW in your case being a bad mother because she would bring strange men around her son, would introduce them to him as "friends", and would send him out to play... everything you said was true in my H's affair as well. In fact, my H even told me during his affair while we separated that he had to tell OW that they shouldn't "make out" in front of her son.

And fast forward to after my H ended the affair... she harassed my H for the 2 months that he and I weren't back together yet, and once we WERE and OW found out we were, she then harassed ME as well, for 8 months. She basically stalked me and tried to terrorize me in my own home. She even involved her little boy in THAT. She made him call my house and leave a message on my answering machine, saying sexual things that my H and OW used to say to each other. Things like, "I love you, I want to touch your body, I can't wait until we're together someday"... in the sing-songy voice of an 11 year old child. And there was the time I had the sound of machine gun shots on my answering machine that I highly suspect was audio from one of her son's video games, and we even think she got him to vandalize a neighbor's property once so she could blame that on my H, hoping the neighbor would come after him to beat him up or something. I finally got her to go away by getting the police involved.

Long story short, after all of this, I think I can understand where and why you view the OW's actions the way you do. What I have come down to after sorting everything out is, I see it that my H is completely 100% responsible for HIS actions, and the OW is completely 100% responsible for HERS. I hold my H responsible for the affair itself. He shouldn't have talked so "friendly" with her in the first place, and when she gave him her phone number, he should have thrown it into the trash immediately. But in looking at her actions separately, can I say I think she was totally "innocent" and did nothing wrong- H*LLLL NO! She is "guilty" of doing some pretty nasty things herself.

But- and this is a BIG BUT- I think even when the OW has done some terrible things herself, we have to be extremely careful to not allow our Hs or OURSELVES to use that to excuse away, or take ANY of the responsibility off of our Hs' shoulders. Like in my situation... OW conned my H into giving her money. I think it is a horrible thing to do, to play with someone's head and emotions for MONEY. BUT, what I have chosen to focus on is, my H never had to give it to her! He just plain should not have done it. ANYTHING the OW did in the affair... she couldn't have "gotten away with" ANY of it, if my H had not gone along with it. Anything she did, absolutely takes NOTHING AWAY from what HE did.

And I feel the same goes when we are comparing him to me. Nothing *I* did, takes away anything from his responsibility for the affair itself. Period. We each are 100% responsible for our own actions, and ONLY our OWN.

So I guess overall what I would say here is, I understand your feelings and opinion of the OW's actions, and I also think it's healthy for us to "own" our own part of the marital problems. But please be careful not to let your H off the hook too easily when it comes to placing blame on yourself OR the OW. Don't let him (or yourself) use anything that either you or the OW did in order to excuse away any part of what HE has done.

I've been rebuilding for over 2 years now, and both my H and I would tell you that our marriage is probably better than it ever has been. I think it is absolutely CRUCIAL that the WS does take full and complete responsibility for their own actions. That way, they can address the REAL reasons "why" they did this, and that can lead to them being much less likely to ever do it again, and can also help with addressing THEIR part in the marital problems. I also think them taking full and complete responsibility does a lot to help with the BS's healing. Not just so you can feel that they are "making amends" to you, but because I think when we fully face EVERYTHING that they've done to us, then we can work through the emotions that we have due to it. I think anything we try to ignore for awhile and put on the "back burner" in our own minds because it's too painful to face, will likely lead to an "eruption" of some kind later.

Take care, and I wish you the best of luck, and am so sorry for what you have and are going through.

Val

Val                                   &n

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
In reply to: thoughtson
Fri, 03-27-2009 - 11:10am

Somehow I don't find calling someone's post "weird" or "bizarre" as being in line with the purpose and goals of this board. We of course do not always have to agree with someone else's opinion, but it is appreciated if posters could try to express themselves in a supportive and non-judgmental manner.

Thank you

Val

Val                                   &n

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2009
In reply to: thoughtson
Fri, 03-27-2009 - 11:49am

WOW, Val & the original poster, i see myself & my story in both our yours. My H & I were having MC, like Val's

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
In reply to: thoughtson
Fri, 03-27-2009 - 3:04pm

.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
In reply to: thoughtson
Fri, 03-27-2009 - 3:51pm
Thanks for the support.

Pages