The OW killed herself after my husband ended it

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2014
The OW killed herself after my husband ended it
8
Thu, 01-09-2014 - 1:16am

I have followed this board for a while now and never got the courage to post. My husband of 22yrs had an affair on and off over 7yrs with a coworker. I found out On my own. I know this sounds dumb of me but I love him. We had a good marriage.  I know he loves me and is full of guilt he said he tried so many times to end it but she'd threaten me, herself,his job on and on....he came clean this New Year's Eve to me. He said  it was a power thing with them. It was sick and full of fighting and drama. He couldn't break free. we together came up with a plan for him to end it with my help. She stalked me. He said she was obsessed with knowing about me. She called my home New Years Eve drunk. Telling me he didn't love me. Blah blah blah....I told her how wrong she was and called her choice things as you can image. We than blocked her number from our phones and Facebook etc.... When dh was going to work Thursday the plan was to call me if she showed up at his building and office. He was worried she would show up at our home and if she did I was to call the police. He called me shortly after he arrived at work to find out she was at a party made calls and left after yelling at someone on the phone  (that would be me) . She drove to her home and she had killed herself. Her brother found her New Years day.  My husband is full of guilt and I want this over. I grieve for my marriage.  Has this ever happened to anyone else......will I get my life back. Could my marriage be ok even good again?   I need advise on how to move forward. I know it's only been days but I need someone to leave hope.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Thu, 01-09-2014 - 9:08am
yikes that is one messy situation. It is going to take time for things to fall back to normal but during that time you need to confront the unavoidable guilt that both you and mostly your husband are going to feel. I think seeing a therapist would help. Also understanding and accepting that this particular woman was not well in the head to begin with. At the end of the day you and your husband are not responsible for the way she decided to handle this situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Thu, 01-09-2014 - 9:08am
yikes that is one messy situation. It is going to take time for things to fall back to normal but during that time you need to confront the unavoidable guilt that both you and mostly your husband are going to feel. I think seeing a therapist would help. Also understanding and accepting that this particular woman was not well in the head to begin with. At the end of the day you and your husband are not responsible for the way she decided to handle this situation.
Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Thu, 01-09-2014 - 10:34am

I strongly recommend that you and your husband see a therapist together and possibly separately.  This is a terrible situation, but your husband will need more help than you alone can give.  For your part, you're going to need to give him more help than you feel you are able to, and I think it will be hard to do that on your own.

I believe the most important thing for you both to remember is that neither of you are responsible for this woman's death.  People who kill themselves suffer from mental illness.  Please also remember how concerned your husband was for your safety.  No one intentionally enters into an affair with the character from "Fatal Attraction," but your husband unfortunately found himself there.  Yes, he made a bad choice seven years ago, but it seems like he has been paying dearly for it since and that he sincerely wanted it to be over.

I suppose it's going to be worse for you in some ways than for some other betrayed spouses because out of kindness to your own spouse's trauma, you won't be able to share with him everything you're thinking and feeling - which in a normal situation he would deserve to hear.  If you truly want to rebuild your marriage, sharing with friends and family will not help that in the long run. That's why I recommend that you see the therapist too.  I'm so sorry you are going through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Thu, 01-09-2014 - 11:03am

I agree with Mahopac........the bottom line is that this was a sick woman, there is no other way to look at it.  It was wrong of your husband to have started it, of course, but given her obvious mental illness, she knew exactly what she was doing when the situation started.  I'm sure if it had been a "normal" fling, it would have ended as soon as it started, and you'd never have known about it.  Good for you that you're standing by him, but you'll both need to get somekind of outside help for this......but neither of you should feel guilty........someone who commits suicide for ANY reason is a very sick person that has lost touch with reality.  In this situation your husband needs to not feel guilty.  Many women have been dumped from affairs, and by boyfriends, they do NOT kill themselves.  I hope the two of you can work it out.....you need each other right now.  Good Luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Fri, 01-10-2014 - 5:29pm

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.  I agree that you both need to get into counseling to deal with this situation. But right now, GET OFF THE GUILT TRAIN! YOU had no part in this, you didn't have an affair with her, you didn't make her kill herself, YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE ACTIONS OF SOMEONE WHO WAS CLEARLY MENTALLY ILL AND/OR JUST DOWNRIGHT IMMATURE AND MEAN!

When she started making threats to your H regarding hurting you, herself and his job, HE should have come clean and notified the authorities. Yes, I'm sure he didn't want to risk losing his job and respect of family, friends and coworkers but when threats involving death are being made, its time to buck up and take your medicine, regardless how it plays out. It kinda pisses me off that he would continue the A with her when she's threatening to hurt you especially.  You say he couldn't break free but that is not true. He could have~he just didn't want to deal with you finding out, losing his job, all the drama that would ensue, and loss of respect from everyone. You said you found out about the affair on your own, but then say he came clean with you on NYE. I'm a little confused by this. Did you find out and keep the info to yourself and not confront him with the fact that you knew he was having an affair?

You definitely both need counselling to help you cope with all this. Your post almost comes across that you are defending him; that he was the victim here and he definitely was not.  You are the one he betrayed and you are the one he put at risk.  But neither one of you caused her to commit suicide. That alone was her decision. He definitely needs to get to the root of why he would continue an affair for 7 years that he says he wanted to end.

What a lesson this is to everyone who even considers an A, but they won't take it I'm sure. You reap what you sow and there are always consequences to every decision we make, be it good or bad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2014
Sat, 01-11-2014 - 12:17pm

I figured it out around Christmas. I confronted him and gave him and myself until New Years. Believe me there was a lot said in that almost week.  When he tried to get rid of her she went crazy....that's how the blow up happened on nyreve. I am trying to keep my house calm and normal for my 4 kids right now.  Who range in ages from 16 to 6.   I feel no remorse for her death and I do not feel I played a part in it either. I'm glad she's dead! It's sick I know but I'm angry.  perhaps that disnt come across clear. I've been going to consoling  he will not go.   I  guess I'm in a hurry to get my life into some kind of order.   Is it normal for me to obsess about what they did where they went  how he did it?   Right now I feel like a fool!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010

When she went 'crazy' is when he should have gone straight to the police. Her threats, harassing phone calls, stalking, etc. should have been reported.  I'm glad you feel no remorse for her death because you shouldn't.  I think you're making a wise decision in going to counseling for your own health and wellbeing. He's making a big mistake by refusing to go. He's got some issues to deal with~first and foremost why he choose to hurt you and his family in this way and also why he felt so intimidated by the OW that it took him this long to end it. 

Sounds like he just wants it all to 'go away' but by burying it all and not confronting it, its just going to crop up later. But you can't control what he does or force him to go. Yet, the OW 'forced' him to continue the affair. So IDK that I wouldn't make it a stipulation that he must go to counseling for you to continue in this marriage. He would stay in an affair for 7 years that he wanted out of but won't go to counseling to get help and save his marriage??? That doesn't make sense.

Of course, you're angry! You have every right to be! And I will admit, though it isn't very Christian of me, when I first read your story, I couldn't help thinking darn, why couldn't that have been the outcome in my case, Horrible I know because I'd never taken him back anyway but old human nature creeps up sometimes and although we know we are not to take revenge in our own hands, nor even want it, the hurt overrides our thinking.

Yes, it is absolutely normal to obsess about all those things. This is all very early days from your discovery of the affair. You're hurt, you're bewildered as to how he could have done this to you, how he could have gotten involved with a psycho who threatened your life, how he could have let it go on as long as he did. You're trying to carry on with life as normal for your kids all the while having this to deal with also. You are such a smart woman to get into counseling!!!! Don't you dare feel like a fool! You were doing what you were supposed to, being a good wife and mother, taking care of family and finances and household.  He's the one who was the fool. None of us would have ever believed our Hs and exH's possible of an affair, much less one with a wacko. And I think that's an understatement here!

Hopefully by now, you've seen a doctor to have tests run for STDs. You may also want to consider asking your dr for something to help you cope with all this. You've been through a tramatic experience and you may need something to help take the edge off. There's no shame in asking for meds, nor does taking them now mean you have to continue on them forever. I have never taken any kind of antidepressant or anxiety med in my life til I went through this. But let me tell you, it made all the difference in being able to cope with day to day activities and responsibilities. (I have a special needs daughter that needs 24/7 care and I absolutely would NOT let this cause me to be unable to give her the very best care she deserved.) When we go through something of this magnitude, and in your case having death threats against you and the outcome of the OW, it alters our brain chemistry. Meds can help balance that back out. You'd take an antibiotic if you had an infection and this is no different.

I wish you the absolute best. Please know we are here for you to vent, gripe, get mad, cry, whatever. We've been there and we understand and no one is going to judge you. We want to help anyway we can. Sending much love and hugs your way....

GW

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010

One more thing....while obsessing is normal, its draining and not good for you in any means. Your counselor should be able to help you with strategies to combat the obsessing.  One I used when I started thinking of it was to visualize a HUGE STOP SIGN and remind myself that it (the sex) was NOT going on now, that the things I was thikning of them doing may or may not have been correct and again to STOP.  Then get busy with anything that will divert your mind from it. We often visualize that the sex they had was so wonderful and fantastic and romantic when in fact, it more than likely wasn't. She was nuts and he had to have guilt and visions of you flashing through his head each and every time. Plus thinking he HAD to get away from this pyscho.  Not very romantic and erotic there, was it?

Again, meds can help with the pictures that play over and over in your mind, which are cased by the trauma you've been through. Plus help you cope, sleep, laugh and put things in persceptive. Work with your dr to find one that will work with you. Having kids to take care of like you, I couldn't take something that would knock me out and honestly, so many ppl think they will when in fact, your dr will find one that won't do that. Tell him or her your situation, that you have kids to take care of, etc. and he/she will have the expertise to prescribe one that will work for you.