Pain subsides but not forgotten

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2008
Pain subsides but not forgotten
Mon, 10-28-2013 - 7:57pm

It's been 7 years since DDay.  I have not forgotten, however the pain has subsided.  A little background before my DDay: 20 years of marriage and three daughters.  My H and I grew apart, he traveled a lot for work and I was a working mother with three extremely busy daughters.  Loneliness set in with H traveling alot and to cope, I spent a lot of time with the girls and assisting with their activities.  When H was home on the weekends, it was just another day and to get him incorporate back into our daily routine and activities it was a challenge.  Resentment came from both sides and we grew apart.  H found solace in online chat rooms leading to a EA with two women located in a different states. He did travel to those states for work.  To this day H still claims the relationships were never intimate.  I don't know the truth, but maybe it is best not to know. It took three years for H and OWs to end EAs.  One OW to this date still tries to contact him periodically via his work email which unfortunately has not change, other forms of communication: phone numbers, social email addresses all have been changed or deleted.  I have access to all means of communication including H email so I see everything and we have an open dialogue. I don't look or snope anymore, H tells me if he sees a message come in.

I was one of the individuals that stated "I would not stay with a man that has cheated on me".  I was wrong, I stayed and we worked on our marriage, it was and is still one of the most painful times in my life, and I survived thanks to counseling and friends.    

I hope for you that read the boards will find support and know that you are not alone and that there are others that understand and have experience the same pain. An in time the pain will subside and you will have moved forward.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2013
Tue, 10-29-2013 - 11:12am

trying to do the same 1 month later still haven't seen any remorse or responsibilty on his part but I any working on what I did wrong hopping for the best outcome what ever that is

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002
Thu, 10-31-2013 - 9:57pm

In some cases we can forgive, but I think we really should never forget.  I remember only one thing my doctor told me and that is that as I move forward in our relationship (which I decided to try), she said keep your eyes wide open.  Kind of a sad thought that the rest of your marriage you must always be vigilant.  

To my knowledge he has never cheated again. We have a good marriage and he treats me like a princess.  But even after 20 years, you still don't forget.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2006
Wed, 12-18-2013 - 9:00pm

I am also 7 years out, and I'm glad to see that I am not the only one who can still feel the pain of betrayal by a man I had been married to for many years.  My H had one A that went undiscovered until almost 13 years after the fact, and the last one was seven years ago.  Thankfully, I found out about that one about a year after the fact.   All the evidence was found by   following my gut feeling and snooping better than a PI to confirm his adulterous behavior that almost caused me to lose my sanity. 

Now, we are relating to each other like a faithful couple should, but the memory of the treachery that he was capable of is with me every single day.  I do not feel the need to forgive him, but just staying married to him is forgiveness enough for him.  He knows he wil not risk losing me again, and I do not feel the desperate need to snoop or spy on him anymore.  I do, however, keep the memory of his treachery first and foremost in a special place in my mind because it helps to keep me grounded and reminds me to only trust myself.