Peace, Myradorn, Kathleen, Lynn, other old friends: I need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Peace, Myradorn, Kathleen, Lynn, other old friends: I need advice
23
Sat, 07-20-2013 - 12:42am

Hey ladies, its GW. I need advice/help from someone who knows what I've been through and who I trust. This isn't exactly a BS situation but I "know" you all and the advice you give and I value your input. So here goes.....

Since Jan. 2010, I've been dating a man who totally accepts my disabled daughter, has been good to us all, but I'm not happy with him anymore. He wants to get married and I don't. For one thing, I would lose my alimony and I absolutely need that to care for my disabled daughter. (My ex is completely out of the picture. He hasn't even seen her since Oct. 2012) Its nothing he's done, its just that we never go anywhere. Maybe out to eat 3 or 4 times in the last year and camping 2 or 3 times for a weekend and that's it. I've told him over and over that I NEED to get out sometimes, more than 3 or 4 times a year!

You may remember that the 20 years I was married, my ex worked out of town and I had everything to take care of by myself, never went anywhere other than the usual errands, kids to school, drs appts with my daughters. I was almost completely isolated for all those years. I rarely had help from anyone to babysit or provide me with respite from the demands and stress of caring for my daughter, house, yard, horses and farm. In 20 years, I went to lunch with one friend one time. And that was basically "it" for getting out for a while.

He was laid off from his job and so money was tight for him and I totally understand that. So I would ask him to go out to eat, go places, etc. and I would pay 9 times out of 10. But he's been working now for the past year building up his own home business (that is mostly seasonal in summer months) and still we go nowhere. He was coming over every single night for quite a while and I had to tell him this had to stop. It was interfering with my taking care of my daughter (her disability requires 24/7 care) + he would stay til 12am every night.  During the school year, this was very difficult. She doesn't sleep well as it is, which means neither do I. Ok, so finally after telling him 3 times, he got it and quit coming over so much. I hated to hurt his feelings but I had my daughter and myself to think about, too.

He's really a good man and very caring but he doesn't associate really with anyone but me. If we camp or ride, he doesn't want to be around other people. All the friends that he made through the years he's lost touch with (plant they all worked at closed). He has no family except for his son and a few cousins that are much older than him and some nephews.  So I know he's lonely and because of that I feel obligated to him. He helped me out with moving and things around here when I first moved in after the divorce(NOT moneywise, I pay my own way). When my older daughter was in an accident, he drove us to the hospital 2 hrs away. Again, the obligation. But then I remember that I also fed him nearly every night for 2 years, did his taxes, took care of finances for him, etc. so its not like I never did anything for him either.

I hate to hurt him but I feel trapped and my stress level is through the roof. I've only been getting about 3 to 4 hours sleep for the last 2 months. I'm completely worn out. A few nights ago, he texted about coming over. I told him it just wasn't a good day, I'd been up all night.  So then he texts this long message "do we need to talk? you hardly ever text anymore, we hardly ever talk, etc." I went off. He knows that I have almost no signal here, that my daughter is out of school on summer vacation and as I said, she requires 24/7 assistance and supervision because of autism and several other disabilities.  I told him I needed to focus on her and everything I had to do around here for a while. So then I got the "thanks for all you've done for me but i never thought it would end in a text" speech and then the "I won't bother you again" spiel. WTH ever. I'm worn out and honestly, he's just added stress. I feel like a horrible person for saying that because he is such a good person. So he made me feel guilty ( I really hate hurting anyone) and we got back together. Totally wrong thing to do I know. I'm just so mixed up, sleep deprived, and going through menopause on top of that!

ANY advice would be appreciated!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010

Hi Ollie, my talented friend! Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. I needed the prospective of you all to help me see clearly. I had one friend tell me "You're never going to find someone who will accept your daughter, so you better stick with him." So encouraging~NOT! Quite frankly, I don't need to have a man in my life to feel complete. If another comes along, so be it, but I'm not gonna roll up in a ball and die if I don't ever have a relationship again.

Granted, a lot of my old friends got lost by the wayside during the divorce and as a result of me having to take care of my daughter. But anyone who can't understand and drops me as a friend because of me not being able to go with them everytime they call because I have my DD, weren't really true friends to start with.

We did at one time talk about marriage but then I began to see just how that would play out down the road and told him that it was not an option for me. I do remember how your exH (aka King Turd!) was! lol This guy supports himself but again, 9 times out of 10 if we do go out to eat, I am the one who plans it and I pay. He never says, "Hey, lets go out to eat." Or for a drive, or movie, or anything.  I know that when his money was tight, having my DD along was an added expense but I always offered to pay for her. And its not like he didn't understand my situation with her from the get-go.

My DDs and I went out yesterday to shop for a baby shower. He texted asking how I was as I wasn't feeling well the day before. I told him ok and that we were on our way shopping and that my cell was going dead. (which was true, it was, battery doesn't last very long lately). So then later while we were out he sent me a text saying when he first met me , he was afraid to hold me, then afraid to kiss me and then afraid to love me and now he's afraid of losing me. I didn't even reply. He's smothering me and I'm sorry, but that text sounded a little bit too much like a Hallmark card of a Lifetime movie! He called later and I'd been asleep so he didn't come over. Then sent a text asking if I got his earlier text. I didn't reply again. I was just so worn out from the heat, no sleep, and IDK drained from all this, kwim?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Ugh, he just sounds so needy.  Of course no one wants to be the one who is broken up with but as adults we have all had to deal with that and we all got over it at one time or another.  He will too.  I think you don't want to hurt him because you must be a caring person & used to taking care of people (Like your DD)--but how about someone who will take care of you for a change?  Wouldn't that be nice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010

Thank you again for all your help. You all helped me see things more clearly and that I was not a horrible person for feeling the way I did.

I just told him regarding the text he sent, (see reply to Ollie) that I did get his text and it was very sweet but that I had to again be honest with him~i need a break. That I have so much on my plate right now with DD, not sleeping, trying to find a house, taking care of everything here and estate of my late grandparents. I told him that marriage or living together is not an option for me (as I had many times before).That I didn't want to string him along thinking that either one would ever happen. And (THANK YOU OLLIE!) that at this point in my life I needed to get out more and socialize with friends and he needed to also. I suggested that maybe we could just date sometimes, slow things down a bit? (Thanks Peace!)

His reply : HAPPY TRAILS   and that was it.  So, that told me all I needed to know and I don't feel at all in the wrong here.

Thank you all so much for helping me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008

Hi GW,  Well I guess you have your answer.  I am sure he isn't the only man out there who can understand your responsibilities caring for your daughter.   Your boyfriend may come around later and realize what he is giving up.  If he does at least you know you told him what you need and want for your life.  If he doesn't you will have a little less stress!  

Take care!

Ollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

No you weren't in the wrong here. It just takes a while to really get to know someone your dating. And I think that this guy needs someone that's just as needy as he is to be happy, so maybe he'll find a woman that wants to get married and spend ALL her free time with him. Idk I think men in general need to be taken care of and need a lot of attention and don't handle being alone very long. Hence why when a man gets divorced or becomes a widower statistics show that they tend to remarry much quicker than women do. And personally I'd rather be alone than be with someone that's too needy and whining about not getting enough attention all the time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010

Well, I probably committed the break up faux pas but I texted him a few hrs after his HAPPY TRAILS text and said, " Ok, then, I will box up the china and crystal that  you said was ur mama's and get that back to you asap and get my saddle and whatever."  I didn't want him worrying over his late mother's china and crystal, too.(He had given me it as a Christmas gift. I had pretended that I didn't remember that he'd told me it was hers long before that. I knew he was short on funds at Christmas.)  He replied he wanted nothing back that he'd given me, r u clear on that?  I told him his son would want the china someday. He replied to give it to my DD, he thought ofher as his anyway, that some things never change. (Correct me if I'm wrong, but "insert guilt trip here")

I didn't reply so he texted back to forget it for a while, just to let it go, that this didn't bother me nearly as bad as it did him, that I would still be all 'ribbons and curls' as always. That again he wasn't good enough. That he'd done his part, etc etc etc.

I wished him well and told him to get rid of the idea that he wasn't good enough. He deserved someone who wanted what he did. And that I understood. (I thought that would be the end of it.Oh No)

He texted back Is that all you have to say. u could be bitter but u do not understand. I told him IDK what u mean. I couldn't marry or live with him; he wanted more than i could give and nothing could change that and that he said HAPPY TRAILS and I don't blame him. I had my DD to take care of and that was just reality. We have to do what is right for each of us.  The end? Oh No....

Then he texted that I have been all he's ever wanted and he fell in love with my heart and if U wanna jump the fence, have at it but I won't come get ya. igot it, we can see other ppl and sometimes date ourselves. WTF? After 3 years if I'm not what u want, i know uve changed but its still hard. It sounds like u haven't got time for me anyway but ever it is I'm sure you'll find more than 1's. (I have no idea what that last part meant.)

Ok, does this sound manipulative and like I'm being given an ultimatum to anyone else? Its not working.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

Maybe a bit manipulative but it sounds more like he's upset that your breaking up with him and he's not handling it well. And his neediness is really coming out in theses texts too. Did he always act so needy or do you think your just noticing it more now that you've been in the relationship longer?  Sometimes things that seem endearing early in the relationship become things that drive you bonkers after a year or two of dating. But the good thing is that your seeing this behavior now and have no intention of marrying the guy.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010

I think it all started in May 2010 when he lost his job and just got worse. I did everything I could to encourage him and help him with unemployment filing, job search, called in favors from friends, you name it. I was patient and understanding about the money situation as far as going out was concerned. I know he was depressed and lonely and worried. I helped him find a great rate to refinance his truck to lower the rate and cut the payment in half.

It just kills me to hurt him but he made he decision himself that he wouldn't tolerate taking a break to let me breathe and get things in order. It was all or nothing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

This board is new to me, and I'm confused!  It sounds like you accepted this guy into your life because he "accepted" your disabled daughter.  And someone here told you that you should hold on to him because you'll never find someone else that will accept her?  What a terrible thing to say!  Of course there will be some that can't accept her, but there will also be many who WILL accept her because they care enough about you.  This man isn't fulfilling YOUR needs, therefore your daughter has an unhappy mother, and that's bad for her.  Of course you don't want to hurt him, but when any relationship ends, there's always one side that will be hurt.  As you write this, you are hurting......and he's oblivious.  Who's more important in your life?  If he can't handle it, it's his problem, not yours.  Your duty is to yourself, and to provide your daughter with a happy Mom.

I'm confused about your "alimony".  What about "child support"?  Child support doesn't end if the mother remarries!  The child will be "supported" as long as necessary, for a lifetime if that's what's needed.  Alimony is for YOUR support, not your daughters.......unless the man you divorced isn't your daughter's father.  There are also many state and federal programs that help with disabled children (and adults if necessary).  If you're receiving alimony on a regular basis, then you should receive child support, too.  You can always go back to court to change things, too. 

You need to end it with this man, you need to return his mother's items, and call it off completely and permanently.  Otherwise you will be "tempted" to be with him, and you'll never be able to move on with your life.  Good Luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010

Hi,  No, actually we dated a while before I introduced him to my DD, although he did know about her and her disabilities. It wasn't anyone here on ivillage who told me that. It was a friend here at home.

I receive alimony because my DD's disabilities make it impossible for me to work to provide the basic things needed for her such as housing, elec, water, clothing, special needs supplies, medicines,medical bills, travel to and from drs 400 miles away, in addition to child support. As you may know, the costs of caring for a special needs child are high. The child support she receives would in no way even begin to cover any of this. There are programs that help,like SSI, but some people mistakenly think that just because you have a special needs child, you automatically receive them. That's not the case. So you see the alimony IS for her support.

I have ended it with him or should I say, he ended it. I told him I needed a break, that we could maybe date sometimes, but that I needed to get out more and socialize. To which he replied HAPPY TRAILS!

Thanks so much for replying! :) Gw