Peace, Myradorn, Kathleen, Lynn, other old friends: I need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Peace, Myradorn, Kathleen, Lynn, other old friends: I need advice
23
Sat, 07-20-2013 - 12:42am

Hey ladies, its GW. I need advice/help from someone who knows what I've been through and who I trust. This isn't exactly a BS situation but I "know" you all and the advice you give and I value your input. So here goes.....

Since Jan. 2010, I've been dating a man who totally accepts my disabled daughter, has been good to us all, but I'm not happy with him anymore. He wants to get married and I don't. For one thing, I would lose my alimony and I absolutely need that to care for my disabled daughter. (My ex is completely out of the picture. He hasn't even seen her since Oct. 2012) Its nothing he's done, its just that we never go anywhere. Maybe out to eat 3 or 4 times in the last year and camping 2 or 3 times for a weekend and that's it. I've told him over and over that I NEED to get out sometimes, more than 3 or 4 times a year!

You may remember that the 20 years I was married, my ex worked out of town and I had everything to take care of by myself, never went anywhere other than the usual errands, kids to school, drs appts with my daughters. I was almost completely isolated for all those years. I rarely had help from anyone to babysit or provide me with respite from the demands and stress of caring for my daughter, house, yard, horses and farm. In 20 years, I went to lunch with one friend one time. And that was basically "it" for getting out for a while.

He was laid off from his job and so money was tight for him and I totally understand that. So I would ask him to go out to eat, go places, etc. and I would pay 9 times out of 10. But he's been working now for the past year building up his own home business (that is mostly seasonal in summer months) and still we go nowhere. He was coming over every single night for quite a while and I had to tell him this had to stop. It was interfering with my taking care of my daughter (her disability requires 24/7 care) + he would stay til 12am every night.  During the school year, this was very difficult. She doesn't sleep well as it is, which means neither do I. Ok, so finally after telling him 3 times, he got it and quit coming over so much. I hated to hurt his feelings but I had my daughter and myself to think about, too.

He's really a good man and very caring but he doesn't associate really with anyone but me. If we camp or ride, he doesn't want to be around other people. All the friends that he made through the years he's lost touch with (plant they all worked at closed). He has no family except for his son and a few cousins that are much older than him and some nephews.  So I know he's lonely and because of that I feel obligated to him. He helped me out with moving and things around here when I first moved in after the divorce(NOT moneywise, I pay my own way). When my older daughter was in an accident, he drove us to the hospital 2 hrs away. Again, the obligation. But then I remember that I also fed him nearly every night for 2 years, did his taxes, took care of finances for him, etc. so its not like I never did anything for him either.

I hate to hurt him but I feel trapped and my stress level is through the roof. I've only been getting about 3 to 4 hours sleep for the last 2 months. I'm completely worn out. A few nights ago, he texted about coming over. I told him it just wasn't a good day, I'd been up all night.  So then he texts this long message "do we need to talk? you hardly ever text anymore, we hardly ever talk, etc." I went off. He knows that I have almost no signal here, that my daughter is out of school on summer vacation and as I said, she requires 24/7 assistance and supervision because of autism and several other disabilities.  I told him I needed to focus on her and everything I had to do around here for a while. So then I got the "thanks for all you've done for me but i never thought it would end in a text" speech and then the "I won't bother you again" spiel. WTH ever. I'm worn out and honestly, he's just added stress. I feel like a horrible person for saying that because he is such a good person. So he made me feel guilty ( I really hate hurting anyone) and we got back together. Totally wrong thing to do I know. I'm just so mixed up, sleep deprived, and going through menopause on top of that!

ANY advice would be appreciated!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010

Hi,  No, actually we dated a while before I introduced him to my DD, although he did know about her and her disabilities. It wasn't anyone here on ivillage who told me that. It was a friend here at home.

I receive alimony because my DD's disabilities make it impossible for me to work to provide the basic things needed for her such as housing, elec, water, clothing, special needs supplies, medicines,medical bills, travel to and from drs 400 miles away, in addition to child support. As you may know, the costs of caring for a special needs child are high. The child support she receives would in no way even begin to cover any of this. There are programs that help,like SSI, but some people mistakenly think that just because you have a special needs child, you automatically receive them. That's not the case. So you see the alimony IS for her support.

I have ended it with him or should I say, he ended it. I told him I needed a break, that we could maybe date sometimes, but that I needed to get out more and socialize. To which he replied HAPPY TRAILS!

Thanks so much for replying! :) Gw

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Unfortunately he is not responding well to your request for a break or to slow things down.  You were nice to him and I think he could have been more mature to you.  If he needed a complete break up and not to see you, he just could have said that it would have been better for him & it was too difficult to only see you sometimes.  But his crying "poor me" is certainly not endearing himself to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010

You're right; it certainly didn't endear me to him.  A while after this, we had a talk where I thought he actually understood that I needed to actually DATE the guy I was dating; not just have him come over every weekend and sit there, that for my own sanity, I needed to get out of the house. Ok, he says we can certainly do that. He was pitiful, said the breakup was worse than losing his parents.....I was like HUGE RED FLAG! But ok, maybe that's his way of expressing his love, albeit a little overboard IMO.  Well, as you can guess, nothing changed. We went camping with my DD's one weekend (which I supplied all the food and paid camping fees; he was buying dinner one night at the lake lodge nearby but my oldest D's BF grabbed the ticket and paid). And that was it. No going out to eat, going for drives, to movies, nothing. 

So a couple hours ago, I told him that on Wednesday night I was meeting a friend at the lodge for a girls night for about an hour. She has been asking me for at least 3 years to go, but an hour or so is all I can get away.  He said Why r u telling me? As he always comes over on Wed.night, I thought it was courteous to let him know.  So he says he thinks I was right, we need a break, that he thinks the last 6-7 weeks have been nothing but a long goodbye. (Gah, he loves to quote lines from songs or movies in his conversations and I find it completely fake.)  He always said if I had something else to do or it wasn't a good time or I didn't feel well, let him know, it was no problem. Obviously, it was a problem to him because once when I was just worn out and now this time when I wanted to meet my friend for girls night, I got the same 'poor me, you've changed,etc." spiel.   

Well, I totally agreed with him and told him I think a breakup is in order, that I just don't have the time or the energy and that I have my hands full with my DD. (But I am going to meet my friend for an hour or so but I think I'm entitled to that!)  I told him I'd get his mom's stuff back to him and get mine at his house. He could leave it on the porch and I'd do the same with his stuff and that would be for the best. Of course, I'm taking my brother with me, just in case.  He's a good man and I don't think he'd do anything stupid but one never knows.

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