Peace, Myradorn, Kathleen, Lynn, other old friends: I need advice
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|Sat, 07-20-2013 - 12:42am|
Hey ladies, its GW. I need advice/help from someone who knows what I've been through and who I trust. This isn't exactly a BS situation but I "know" you all and the advice you give and I value your input. So here goes.....
Since Jan. 2010, I've been dating a man who totally accepts my disabled daughter, has been good to us all, but I'm not happy with him anymore. He wants to get married and I don't. For one thing, I would lose my alimony and I absolutely need that to care for my disabled daughter. (My ex is completely out of the picture. He hasn't even seen her since Oct. 2012) Its nothing he's done, its just that we never go anywhere. Maybe out to eat 3 or 4 times in the last year and camping 2 or 3 times for a weekend and that's it. I've told him over and over that I NEED to get out sometimes, more than 3 or 4 times a year!
You may remember that the 20 years I was married, my ex worked out of town and I had everything to take care of by myself, never went anywhere other than the usual errands, kids to school, drs appts with my daughters. I was almost completely isolated for all those years. I rarely had help from anyone to babysit or provide me with respite from the demands and stress of caring for my daughter, house, yard, horses and farm. In 20 years, I went to lunch with one friend one time. And that was basically "it" for getting out for a while.
He was laid off from his job and so money was tight for him and I totally understand that. So I would ask him to go out to eat, go places, etc. and I would pay 9 times out of 10. But he's been working now for the past year building up his own home business (that is mostly seasonal in summer months) and still we go nowhere. He was coming over every single night for quite a while and I had to tell him this had to stop. It was interfering with my taking care of my daughter (her disability requires 24/7 care) + he would stay til 12am every night. During the school year, this was very difficult. She doesn't sleep well as it is, which means neither do I. Ok, so finally after telling him 3 times, he got it and quit coming over so much. I hated to hurt his feelings but I had my daughter and myself to think about, too.
He's really a good man and very caring but he doesn't associate really with anyone but me. If we camp or ride, he doesn't want to be around other people. All the friends that he made through the years he's lost touch with (plant they all worked at closed). He has no family except for his son and a few cousins that are much older than him and some nephews. So I know he's lonely and because of that I feel obligated to him. He helped me out with moving and things around here when I first moved in after the divorce(NOT moneywise, I pay my own way). When my older daughter was in an accident, he drove us to the hospital 2 hrs away. Again, the obligation. But then I remember that I also fed him nearly every night for 2 years, did his taxes, took care of finances for him, etc. so its not like I never did anything for him either.
I hate to hurt him but I feel trapped and my stress level is through the roof. I've only been getting about 3 to 4 hours sleep for the last 2 months. I'm completely worn out. A few nights ago, he texted about coming over. I told him it just wasn't a good day, I'd been up all night. So then he texts this long message "do we need to talk? you hardly ever text anymore, we hardly ever talk, etc." I went off. He knows that I have almost no signal here, that my daughter is out of school on summer vacation and as I said, she requires 24/7 assistance and supervision because of autism and several other disabilities. I told him I needed to focus on her and everything I had to do around here for a while. So then I got the "thanks for all you've done for me but i never thought it would end in a text" speech and then the "I won't bother you again" spiel. WTH ever. I'm worn out and honestly, he's just added stress. I feel like a horrible person for saying that because he is such a good person. So he made me feel guilty ( I really hate hurting anyone) and we got back together. Totally wrong thing to do I know. I'm just so mixed up, sleep deprived, and going through menopause on top of that!
ANY advice would be appreciated!