Phone sex with ex-lover

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2009
Phone sex with ex-lover
4
Sat, 07-11-2009 - 1:01pm

I can't get over it. I've forgiven him, but I can't forget and wonder about all the details.

Basically, 7 years ago we were in an awful relationship. Just 3 years ago we made amends, told the truth, and have been much happier now...but I can't let it go.

He had phone sex with a girl that he was once intimate with, plus phone sex with another girl that he met online, PLUS cyber sex for 18 months with hundreds of girls. He swears that it is all over. He has changed and is treating me better. I do believe that he doesn't do those things anymore, but I can't seem to stop wondering about it. I want to know gruesome details that I know will break my heart. I don't know why I want to know...for some reason I think that it will make me feel better. Has anyone had an experience with this...does knowing make you feel better...is it easier to let it go??

Please help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
Sat, 07-11-2009 - 6:16pm

The amount of details a BS "needs" to know seems to be different for different people. I think it's something you have to be very careful about. Once you find out about something, you'll never forget it.

For me I had to find a balance. I needed enough details to make it real and to make me feel like I wasn't completely left out of this other life my H had (that also took the secrecy out it for him and made it real for him), but not so much detail that I had these pictures in my mind that would haunt me.

For me, part of needing to know is because *I* am supposed to be the one he is intimate with. When he was intimate with others, he shared a part of himself and quite deliberately left me out of it. That feeling of exclusion can be quite unsettling, and I think the WS carefully sharing some of the details of what happened can help us regain some of the intimacy and trust that we seek.

One thing I did was to NOT ask for details on a whim. I would deliberate a while and if I found that I continued to feel the need to know something, I would eventually ask it. Other times, I would be able to simply let it go - deciding that knowing was worse than not knowing.

I would also recommend reading the letter from the link below. You may want to have your H read it too. It deals with our need to know the details of what happened.

http://www.network54.com/Realm/HealingHeart/Josephletter.htmlhttp://www.network54.com/Realm/HealingHeart/Josephletter.html

I wish you the best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Sat, 07-11-2009 - 10:01pm

i found out a few years back that my husband was cheating on me. i had intercepted a phone call and when i spoke to the woman she told me my husband was posing as a widower and that he was trolling on the internet personals. so my obsession began, i HAD to know everything. i began to dig, go thru drawers, his wallet, his cell phone, his car, then one evening - i woke up and for some unknown reason there it was on the tip of my lips his password to his computer. do not ask me to explain - but i got up, went downstairs and typed it in. there it was everything!!!!!!! sickening details of my husband doing disgusting things with these women. an** sex, unprotected and worse. i printed all of the emails they had shared reliving their times together. i read them over and over and over again. i was obsessed. the words, the pictures burnt into my phsyche - words can not even begin to express what happened to me. i snapped - i was no longer the same person. i was angry, hurt, full of an almost hate like feeling. i could not sleep, could not laugh, i did nothing but dwell on the betrayal.

my husband is a serial cheater. perhaps that is why it took me so long to heal. from what you are telling us your husband seems to get it. he had empathy for what he did. if you truly believe all of that crap is in the past then my advice would be to let it go. no good can come of knowing any more than what you already do. you will only be setting yourself up for continuous pain. we only go around one time mmm - this is not a dress rehearsal. if you are happy and you believe him then LET IT GO.

stop looking thru the rear view mirror, you will never get where you deserve to be - happy. look forward, seek out the dreams you so want to live.

do not punish yourself by obsessing about what he did. focus on what makes you happy your life is about you not him. you do not ned him to make you happy - this you must believe. this is how you should live your life HAPPY. so many women make their whole life about their spouses - this is not a good thing to do. when we loose sight of us we are giving away any sense of happiness. when we begin to believe that we need another person to make us happy we have taken the wrong fork in the road.

make this about you and what you want out of life, not him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! by being determined to make your life about you and not what he did or him then you can find peace.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 07-12-2009 - 8:58am
Why do you feel that you need to know all the intimate details?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2009
Sun, 07-12-2009 - 11:16pm

Hi,

Thank you so much for your advice. Actually, I completely agree. Just yesterday my husband and I had another breakthrough. The betrayal happened years ago, but I can't let it go. He is truly sorry...he didn't just say it once. He feels so ashamed of himself and is in a lot of pain because he knows that he hurt me. I have never in my life seen a grown man cry and yell in so much pain. Yesterday, I kept pushing the issue again and wanted him to go through years of cell phone bills to show me just how many times he talked to these girls. I don't know why I needed to know. I trust him now. I believe that he is sorry and will not do it again. Our relationship is actually very healthy and happy now, but when I think about the betrayal...I just plunge into depression and it kills me to not know how many times he talked to this girl, what he said, why he did it, etc. It just makes me furious to think that this girl probably thought she was all that because he called her for this "booty phone sex call." He says that it happened twice, from what he can remember and it was years ago.

I have decided to find a therapist because this is ruining our relationship now. I have many sleepness nights because of these awful thoughts I have.

I believe him. I believe that everytime I talk about it -- he is tormented. He wants to move on and not think about it anymore, but I can't stop thinking about it.

Again, thank you for your support. I feel somewhat lame to post my issue because I've read about the horrors that other women have been through.