please can somebody help me

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2010
please can somebody help me
5
Mon, 04-19-2010 - 9:08am

this is my first post here

on friday night my dad phoned me to tell me he has been having an affair for the past 6 months. obviously my mum doesnt know he told me he had to talk to someone but now im at a loss as to what im supposed to do.

ive been crying on and off since the call and havent actually spoke to my dad since or actually spoke to my mum because i fear im now part of this and that by talking to her about general things im somehow lieing to her. i have this huge knot in my stomach that wont go away and from the minute i wake up in the morning its all i can think about.

i would never in a million years thought that my dad could do something like this :( i always thought they had the best relationship and i feel like such a baby in the crying that i have done coz im nearly 30 with kids of my own.

what am i supposed to do with thtis information?? i cant tell my mum because im scared, scared she will blame me for being the one to tell her and scared for what i know will happen if/when she finds out. it would seriously destroy my mums world she has lived her whole life for her family can i seriously be the one to destroy all that for her??

ive told no one except my DF who at first thought i should tell her everything but has left it for me to decide, tbh i wish i never knew because no matter what happens im in this mess too, if she did find out then found out that i knew would she ever forgive me??

i love my dad i really do but i love my mum sooooo much that i wouldnt want to hurt her, i cant talk to any fmaily or anything coz i dont want people knowing this and looking at her different or even knowing things about her marriage that she doesnt, in case she never found out.

please please please can someone anyone give me some advise i dont know what to do for the best

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2009
Mon, 04-19-2010 - 10:09am

Your dad should have never put you in such a position. You need to talk to him and let him know that you now feel as though you are betraying your mum.

If I were in your position, I would give my father so many days to tell my mom himself and I would let him know that if he didn't or couldn't do it, I would tell her. Your father can't expect you to live with this information.

I know you may feel as though you would be hurting your mom by revealing such a horrible detail to her, but you didn't cause this mess. I am a former betrayed spouse and I really wish that one people who saw my H around town with the OW would have had the courage to come to me with the information.

I'm sorry that your father put you in such a terrible position, it wasn't fair of him to do it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2010
Mon, 04-19-2010 - 10:19am

thank you so much for your reply, i think im in a no win situation. i dont want my mum and dad to break up and i certainly dont want to be the one to break them up. i dont want to choose between them and i dont want to cover up for my dad either.

i know my mum inside out and the kind of person that she is, if i were to tell her i know i would physically see the moment where her heart crumbles and i just cant let her be in that much pain, i couldnt cope if anythin happened to her.

i dont understand why all this has happened my dad is a good man he really is, i dont want to have to look at him in a different light either. im so worried i can barely breathe properly and the pain in my chest is suffocating so what would it do to my mum to know???

x

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2009
Mon, 04-19-2010 - 10:53am

I do know what you mean. I experienced it first had about 3 years ago. It is the most painful thing I've ever gone through. I truly didn't know if I would recover or ever be the same. My H is also a good man and not someone that anyone including myself would ever think could have an A. I think that is what makes it so hard, if he was flirting all the time or had any bad characteristic it would have been a lot easier to accept.

From my experience I can tell you that I suspected something wasn't right for a very long time. I even asked a couple of times and was reassured that he would never do anything like that to me. My H's A went on for over 2 years before I found out. I always wonder about the what if's. What if I had found out before he fell in love with her? What if I had found out before the relationship became physical? Would any of this made our recovery easier? Your mum may already have suspicions and even if she doesn't the chances are very, very strong that she will find out. How will she feel knowing that this secret was kept from her?

I know it's a tough position that you are in, but unfortunately you are in it. I would again suggest talking to your dad. He needs to come clean to your mum. It isn't fair for him to continue to make decisions about her life for her. If he wants to stay married to her, he needs to drop the OW. It isn't fair to your mum. Have him read the EAS (Ending Affair Support) board where he can gain some real insight into the toll these A take on everyone involved. Or have him read here so he can understand the pain that he is causing your mum even if she doesn't know yet. Take it from me, she is in pain even if she doesn't know about the affair. My H was absent most of the time either physically or mentally and it was very apparent that something wasn't right - I just didn't know what it was at the time. In my opinion the best and worst day of the A was the day I found out. I hurt worse than I could ever imagine and I gained my power back and the ability to make decisions about my own life.

The breakup of a marriage is not the only outcome to the discovery of an A many marriage survive and thrive with work. Three years ago, I would have told you that my marriage was almost dead with little chance of survival. Today, we are in a strong, happy and healthy marriage. Your parents (both of them) should have a say in how their lives will play out. It shouldn't be left to your dad to decide for them.

Good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Mon, 04-19-2010 - 2:05pm
I would encourage your father to come forward. He needs to tell your mother. Thats not fair to you and it puts you in a bad spot. You also need to explain this to him.
HUGS and hang in there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 04-19-2010 - 5:34pm
Have you thought of seeing a therapist who specializes in this? I agree I cannot fathom why he would burden you with this.

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