Please help me -my wedding is in one month and I don't know what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Please help me -my wedding is in one month and I don't know what to do.
8
Sat, 09-01-2012 - 12:57pm

I am getting married in one month.  I am writing out the thank you cards for my shower right now.  In March I discovered that he was sending emails to various women advertising sex on craigslist.  His emails said "HI" or "do you have a pic?".  I confronted him, he denied it, erased all the emails and then after a week of my hysterical crying he finally admitted he sent the emails.  Now we go through thereapy and talks and a long series of conversations about how to regain my trust.  He maintains to this day there was no intention for physical contact with these women.  The therapist says it is entirely possible, but that he needs to be open about what is going on with him.  I explained it will take a long time for me to trust again, and that he needs to reassure me, he needs to be an open book with me and that I didn't want to live the rest of my life with him worried about what he is doing, checking emails or texts. I WANT to trust him.  Well, obviously I don't yet - and two weeks ago found ANOTHER email to a woman living in a location he was at for a business trip.  The email said "HI"...that is it. Of course I find out who what her name is and where she lives and confront him.   At first he denied it and then wiped out all his emails again.  The next day says "I don't want to lie"......"I sent the email, but she is just a friend I knew from college and was in the area and thought I would drop a line to say hi".

I've been so upset the last couple weeks and through all of this, he says he loves me, there is only me in his life, he wasn't intending on doing anything, he will never lie to me again, etc, etc....on and on.  I can tell he is getting aggravated by my questioning him about this woman - but I flat out told him that if we are going to get through this, he needs to answer any questions that.  I never heard him mention her name before and I feel betrayed. I don't care if she is married or whatever (as he says) and there was no intention on his part and that the email was just innocent. It is not ok to go on a business trip 7 states away and send an email to a women you went to college with, without telling me, just to say hello - after what he did with the craigslists emails.

For a minute, please take the craigslists emails out of the picture, and tell me - lets say for argument that the women really was his friend in college and he was just dropping a line to say hi, since he was in the area.  Should that be okay?  Am I a complete idiot for considering believing his story?  Please tell me that what he did was ok and I am just being paranoid because of the past. .  If your husband went on a business trip and tried to contact a women he went to college that lived in the area, and didn't tell you about it, would you be okay with that?  I don't know if I can get through this.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2006
I have been through what you are going through, and it is only going to get worse. Please listen to what your soul is telling you. Postpone the wedding. I know it seems like people will freak out, or care about it. Trust me. If they do, they don't matter. And yes, you can tell his family what he has done. You have done nothing wrong. DD will be ok. She will be fine. Everyone else will be fine, you have to take care of you. Please take care of you, and never let a man make you doubt yourself. It's the worse thing a person can do to another. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2009

I would cancel the wedding and end your engagement. If this is going on before you get married, it will only get worse. 

I am really sorry.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2003
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 4:34pm

Granted there were no children involved in my situation, but we did live together, and had for 3 years.  So we also had to face family and friends.  I agree with others that your daughter will be better off in the long run dealing with it now than a few years down the road if there is a divorce.  Hugs to you, I remember vividly how difficult that time was for me, and hate that anyone has to go through it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2003
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 4:26pm

My heart goes out to you, but can I just tell you from someone who has been in your shoes.  DO NOT MARRY someone you don't trust BEFORE the wedding.  I was engaged for 2 years in college, and our wedding was all arranged for the fall after we graduated.  I had my dress, all the vendors were ready to go, church, reception, you name it.  2 months before the wedding, a week before invitations were to go out, I actually started listening to that voice in my head and in my gut, telling me that I didn't trust this guy, no matter how much I loved him, and I couldn't go through with it.  It took more courage than I had ever had in my life at that point, but I told my parents (who just happened to be relieved), and then went back to school and told him.  It was at that time the hardest thing I had ever had to do.  We had to return gifts, cancel reservations and plans, honeymoon stuff, it was realy hard.  but once I had said it out loud, i felt a HUGE weight lifted off my shoulders.  Of course I still loved him, and that didn't go away for a while, but I knew that I had done the right thing.  Now, 15 years later, he is twice divorced and married to the mama of his third child (who was born out of wedlock after they got pregnant while he was cheating on his wife).  So please, listen to your gut, and no matter how hard it may be, do what is right for YOU!!!

 

Best wishes to you in whatever decision you  make. 

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Re: Please help me -my wedding is in one month and I don't know
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 3:32pm
I agree with all the others. No wedding. If he thought he did nothing wrong, why delete the emails? Why would you write just "Hi" to an old college friend, wouldn't you have more to say than that?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Re: Please help me -my wedding is in one month and I don't know
Thu, 09-06-2012 - 10:53pm

where is the like button Thomas! :smileywink: